It's been a while since I've blogged. I'm not 100% sure why. Maybe I don't have anything to talk about. Maybe I have so much that I've just needed to sort it out in my head. Maybe I've just been busy. This is a season filled with holidays, family, friends, thankfulness, and cheer.
Facebook: I haven't been on FB much in the last few months. Life is much nicer without everyone else's drama. We each have enough going on in our own lives not to worry about some one else's. I used to like FB and tell people that it was a good opportunity to pray for people you know, and to spread good memes and positive thoughts. There's a lot of garbage on there. It's nice to step away from all of that for a while. I have missed everyone's daily things they are thankful for in November. I've missed not seeing the pictures of people's decorated Christmas trees. I don't think I've missed much else. There's always someone fighting on there. Somebody blocked so and so. Drama. Drama.
Thanksgiving: For Thanksgiving I went to my Granny's house. I'm glad that we decided last minute to do that. I love going out to my Granny's. We had laughs, chats, and more food than we could eat. I missed not seeing Chelsea and Danielle on Thanksgiving. This is the first year I've not had either of them. Desi and I decided that we needed to find Mom's Thanksgiving table runner. The Thanksgiving runner...that makes me smile. Mom loved Thanksgiving and Christmas. She over decorated each year. It was her "thing". :) One year she made a table runner for thanksgiving. Every person that came to Thanksgiving at Mom's had to wrote on the runner. We had to write what we were thankful for, our name, and the year. I looked for the runner in the boxes with Mom's place mats and chargers, nothing. I looked in the box with the Thanksgiving China. I found the silverware we used to use, but not the runner. I saw a box that said "Darla, Desi, Danielle - open at Christmas together". It was my handwriting. I didn't remember this box or writing that on there. I had to peek. I cut through all the tape. When I opened the box, I was on the phone with Desi. Mom's gold Christmas chargers were stacked neatly in the center of the box. Beside them there was a zip-lock bag with a light brown material in it. On the bag was written "Thanksgiving table runner". I wept softly. I wasn't in the mood to be thankful. Mom would have been disappointed because there is always SOMETHING to be thankful for. All of that, and who forgot to take the runner to Thanksgiving? *sigh* Meh. Maybe wasn't supposed to be there this year. It has been in that box almost 3 years now. It'll go back in there until next year.
I did my last (for a while) photography shoot Saturday. I'm thankful for the break, but also sad. I really love capturing people. I really love it. I haven't had a break from it in almost 5 years. It's probably going to be weird to not have any shoots scheduled and no editing to do. Free time in the evening is not something I've had in a very long time.
My mom would have been disappointed that I waited until the week of Christmas to put up my tree...again this year. I'm so very thankful that Granny bought me a little tree last year. It made it not seem to be as big of a task. Without kids, it's seems a bit ridiculous to put up a big ole tree. I'm not like my mom. I don't have the time or the desire to put up 4-5 Christmas trees like she did. That was ridiculous in my opinion anyway. She was so good at Christmas. She would work with all the grandkids for a month preparing a Christmas play. Those were so much fun. Every year the tree in the sitting room was filled with memories. Each of us had several ornaments that we had to put on the tree ourselves...yes even as adults. That tree was the biggest one in the house. That tree was put up on The Saturday after Thanksgiving every year. Mom did all the other trees herself. The other ones were like specialty trees, I guess. My favorite one was the one in the upstairs hallway. It was a small tree, may be 3 foot. It was decorated in light pink, white and silver. The ornaments consisted of angels, balls, ribbons and bows. My mother would hand make all of the bows on all of the trees. I am not sure why that one was my favorite. I think maybe it looked soft and sweet, maybe that was because of the colors she used. I've never told anyone that I loved that tree. I sat the other day looking at my decorated tree and thought of two things: 1) I did it wrong all these years, and 2) I wish I had one of those angels from Mom's upstairs tree to hang on it. My tree is different this year. I picked out all of the memorable stuff. I hung memories on the tree. I'm missing some because I didn't get down the boxes from the attic. Mom's big tree in the sitting room had some amazing memories on it. I wish I knew where those ornaments were. I hope that box didn't go in the donation pile when we cleaned out her house. There were wedding ornaments, birth ornaments, first Christmas ornaments, kindergarten ones, hand made grandkid ones, ugly ones, crocheted ones, and so many more. We each had to hang the ornaments the represented our lives. I had to hang my 1977 one. I had one that was a one eyed reindeer that I made in kindergarten. Those are the two I can remember most. I have a few things on my tree that used to be on that tree. The Christmas before Mom died, she sat down and went through important Christmas stuff that she wanted us to take right then. I didn't feel like we should because Mom wasn't gone. She was very sick, but not gone yet. She insisted. I remember that she gave me Little Granny's hand crocheted ornaments. They are on my tree this year. Little Granny was my Gramp's grandmother. She was my great-great-grandmother. Many people don't get the opportunity to meet their great-great-grandparents. I think next year I will do it much differently. Next year My tree will be only memory ornaments. Mine of course wont be as extravagant as my mother's was. I think that comes with age. The older we get the more memories we collect. That's the way life works, right? :)
California: I recently went to California for the first time. I've always been neutral about California, not desire to go, but no reason not to. A couple months ago my boyfriend had asked if I had any shoots on the weekend December 11-13th. I did not. He told me to mark off those days and that he was taking me somewhere. Told me that I would need to be ready to leave work at 11am on the 11th which was a Friday. He said it was a surprise and never told me one detail or hint. I assumed we were going to Wimberly for the weekend since we had talked about that before. I never questioned him. Friday the 11th was kind of a tough day. It marked one month until surgery. I didn't tell anyone that it was on my mind. At 11am, he drove us to the airport. That kind of ruled out my Wimberly assumption. He handed me the boarding pass and told me that we were going to Dallas but that it was not our destination. We had a beer and some hot dogs at the airport at Earl Campbell's Sports Bar. I had eaten there before. The flight was short and uneventful. When we landed in Dallas, he handed me my boarding pass and asked where we were going. It said Los Angeles. That's odd. He told me that was not our final destination, and that we would be renting a car a driving to where we were going. Friday when we left he did tell me that the activity we would be doing on Friday night was something I've always wanted to do. *shrugs* We played a word game together on our flight there. Anyway, so we get to LA, and go to the rental car place. I stood back a little. He was very adamant with the rental guy about a car he had reserved. The guy fixed the problem, and we went out to a brand new Lincoln MKX. I super love these cars. I'm too cheap to ever own one, but they are really nice. I was impressed with the heated steering wheel. Uh yeah. Seriously. Anyway, we drove about 45 minutes. It was already dark, so didn't get to see any of the scenery. (Side note: We both really enjoy old buildings and their history) He pointed and said, "That's where we are going" as we pulled up at this super old building with a long line of people out side. The building was beautiful. Early 1900's. The architecture was incredible. I told him this. I don't always catch on immediately. He actually had to say, "I wonder who's playing". We were driving slowing and I read the marque "Dec11 Dwight Yoakam". This is my absolute all time favorite male vocalist, and I think he is super sexy. I think it's more of how mysterious he is, that's probably because he keeps his hat low and his head down. I enjoy watching him dance a lot, and his voice is absolutely awesome!! I was so excited reading that marque that I may have squealed. We parked a few blocks down and head to the line to get in. The building was so detailed and gorgeous. It was the Ventura Theater. Stunning architecture. We were in the balcony. We were at the rail, so we were able to see quite well. The show was incredible! He played new stuff, old stuff, and two songs from other artists. His voice is just awesome. I could listen to him all day. He danced, he played several guitars, and sang his little hiney off. He is a fantastic performer. I was wowed to say the least. After the show we drove about 15 minutes to a town called Santa Paula. The hotel was beyond anything I can describe. It was perfect. Built in the early 1900's, huge fireplace in the sitting area, enormous windows, warm deep colors every where. There aren't enough words to describe it. We stayed at Glen Tavern Inn. Google it.
Saturday morning we went to have breakfast at a local Mexican restaurant. I don't remember the name. Then we went to all of the little antique shops downtown. Then we drove around and saw a lot of orchards around that town. I had never seen an orchard before. I experienced lots of firsts during this trip. I think he prides himself on introducing me to new things. Early afternoon we headed to Ventura to see the beach and to drive on the coastal highway. I think it was Highway 1. We went to Ventura Beach and walked out on these huge rocks. We walked all the way to the end. We watched the waves crash over the rocks for a while, looked at the mountains, and just enjoyed the weather. It was so beautiful. We went back and walked the beach to the next long set of rocks. There were a lot of rocks on the beach. They looked out of place. They were like randomly placed river rocks of all colors. They were all flat rocks. We took one. We walked back to the car and drove to a nearby restaurant to have an early dinner and a couple of beers. They didn't have the beer he likes anywhere we went, so he tried lots of different beers. He ordered a buffalo burger. It was my first time to try one. I didn't really care for it. I had a shrimp taco. It was a cute little place. The waitress asked where we were from after hearing me talk (she was able to guess). We chatted with her for a while about Texas. She had been once...to Amarillo for a baseball game. We stayed there for a few hours and headed back to Santa Paula. We found a little bar near the hotel that was built in the early 1900s. We went there for a short while and then headed to our hotel.
Sunday we went and had breakfast because he likes to drink coffee. I don't like coffee at all. We ate and headed south. We drove through Ventura again. It is such a beautiful town with really cool beach houses, shops, and old buildings. We stopped to have some lunch in Malibu because, come on...we were there, so might as well. I sometimes like to do things just to say I did them. Now I can say that I've had lunch in Malibu. We went to V's Restaurant and Bar. The waitress asked if we'd like a Bloody Mary. Well, sure! I've never had one before. It was not my favorite. It had a lot of stuff floating in it...spices and such. We shared a salmon burger and fries. After that we went for a walk on the beach in Malibu. There were more of those flat rocks. We took one from Malibu Beach as well. We hung out there for a while just taking it all in. Then we headed to LA to the airport. We found a little sports bar where he could watch football while we waited for the plane. We didn't land in Austin until Sunday at 10 or 11pm. At all the little places we went to, we would look up the history on the building/business. We learned so many cool things while we were there. It was such a fabulous trip. I still can't believe that it happened.
I only have a few more weeks until surgery. We just changed insurances at work. Really inconvenient right now since I was already pre-approved for the surgery with the Human Insurance. I am going to have to rush to get all the info to the doctors and such. I already have one pre-prescription that has to picked up before the end of the year just in case the new insurance cant get the prescription part done in time. I was worried about having to pay two deductibles, but looks like it will only be one. Whew *wipes brow* I'm still not scared. Nervous, but not scared. I already have two nurses that will come by to change bandages. The hospital will show me and my family how to empty the drains before I leave the hospital. I already had all of my pre-operation appointments. I have my schedule of the people that will be staying with me for the first two weeks. I feel as prepared as I can be. Now, I just breathe and do this one day at a time. I have a lot of prepping to do at work, and a lot of things to teach other people to do while I'm gone. Just breathing. I have so many people that are willing to step up and help. I'm lucky to know each of them. I'm not sure how I will heal or how I will feel afterwards, but I'm beyond thankful for the support team that I have. People that don't give up. People that are willing to change bandages or whatever I need during the down time. People that have stopped their lives to help me function with some sort of dignity during this healing period. What an awesome gift that God has given me. I am blessed beyond measure.
That's all I've got for now. I hope any one reading this has a very Merry Christmas. Remember to be kind to people. The holidays are very hard for some people.
~Darla
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
Friday, October 2, 2015
Do not be afraid
These last few weeks have been a little tough. It's October now. October is breast cancer awareness month. My son changes his baseball cleat laces to pink ones for October. He wears a sweat band with my mothers name written on the inside. I know he's just a kid, and this is his only way he can single handedly support awareness. I love him. He's obnoxious and beyond silly, but he makes my heart smile.
I miss my mom and wish she could be here with me through this. I had an appointment with the surgeon that will remove the breast tissue in my upcoming surgery. That was almost two weeks ago. I also got a call last Thursday that did not put my mind at ease. When I met with the surgeon, we discussed the other appointments that had to done before the surgery can be scheduled. There are four appointments. I get anxious and nervous when I have so many doctor's appointments, and I don't like missing work. So, I asked the scheduler to make all of the appointments for the same day. I am really starting to get nervous or maybe anxious about these appointments. I'm trying to bury myself in work and keep busy so that I don't think about it.
When I woke up this morning, I felt very alone. I felt nervous. I wished I had mom to talk to. I wept. I miss her. That doesn't go away. You can't explain it to anyone. You would think that with time, you would quit having the cry fits from missing someone who passes away. I guess I'm not there yet. There is jealousy too. I get jealous of my friends, coworkers, and acquaintances that still have their moms. I know it's silly to want to mom to go with me to these appointments, but she would have been there. I would have never gone to an appointment alone. I'm jealous of the girls of the BRCA group who's moms will be there with them when they have surgery. I know that I have people that will be there with me. I have some close friends that refuse to not be there, my kids, my grandma, some friends from church, etc. I don't really need anyone there since I'll be sleeping, but oh what I would give to wake up from surgery and see my mom's face. I would love to wake up from surgery to hear her voice, saying "I was right here with you, Baby. You did just fine". That's what I was thinking about when I woke up this morning. It's really hard emotionally...all of this. It's my decision alone. I just hope having this BPM and oophorectomy is the best choice. I keep thinking if someone handed my a lottery ticket and said that it had an 87% change of being a winner that I'd be pretty confident it was a winner. Breast cancer is not the kind of thing you want to have an 87% chance of winning.
The appointments are set for October 6th. Tuesday. Next Tuesday. Four days from today. My stomach is in knots. I will go in early morning to imaging for my very last mammogram. Immediately after that, I report to have an MRI of both breasts. Then I report to the doctor that will be removing my ovaries for the last time. In the afternoon, I will see the reconstructive surgeon. There are several things that I'm worried about. The mammogram doesn't bother me except for the fact that it's terribly uncomfortable and usually leaves my chest muscles and tissue sore/tender. If the MRI comes back clear, then we can schedule the surgery. If there is any tissue that looks questionable then we will move on to tissue testing. If there is cancerous tissue, I will have to begin chemo. That would be worst case scenario. The only reason I feel worried about this is because my mother was so young. When she was diagnosed at 47 with breast cancer. At 49 it was stage 4 breast cancer which metastasized. It had spread. It was in her bones. Watching her suffer in pain was beyond the worst thing I ever experienced. Her slow, painful death was excruciating to watch. I'm almost I am only 10 years younger than she was when she was diagnosed. I'm willing to accept that God is in control, even if the results are not clear for the MRI. I would be able to catch this really early, and hopefully survive it. I would never want my kids to see me the way I had to watch mom suffer.
I am on the fence about meeting with the reconstructive surgeon again. See, I've seen several people in the BRCA groups talk about this fairly new, less popular surgery. It is only one surgery. I wouldn't have to go back for the exchange 3 months later. No expanders, minimal drains. I talked with the doctors that will be removing the breast tissue. They said to mention it to the reconstructive surgeon because both doctors would have to be on board with this. This will still be difficult and same recovery time, but it's all at once. I am really hoping that I am a candidate for this option. It is not as popular because of how long you are under. It could potentially be a 8-10 hours surgery and that's a long time to be under. The other thing is that there is no time to stretch the muscle to put the implant under the muscle. I don't like the way they look on top of the muscle, but they can do fat grafting to make them look more natural, and use cadaver skin to create a secure resting place for the implants. People with larger breasts are not typically candidates for this surgery from what I understand. I will talk to the reconstructive surgeon to see if I am a candidate. The only thing that really I have to talk to the doctor about that is removing my ovaries is that I want to know if there are alternatives for menopause once he removes my ovaries. I know that I won't be able to take any hormones especially since my mom's breast cancer was hormone related (according to her medical records as per my doctor's information), so I wonder if there will be other options for me...maybe some natural options, healthier without having to put a bunch of chemicals in my body. I am thankful to be getting all of the appointments done in one day, but I'm still very nervous. I'm scared, and I wish my mom was going with me to tell me that it'll all be ok, no matter what the results of the MRI.
I'm not sure how to feel. It really stinks to be alone with all of this stuff going through my mind. Just have to breathe through it, and do it one day at a time. The phrase "Do not be afraid" is written 365 times in the Bible. Coincidence? I think not. One time for every day of the year. I like that.
I miss my mom and wish she could be here with me through this. I had an appointment with the surgeon that will remove the breast tissue in my upcoming surgery. That was almost two weeks ago. I also got a call last Thursday that did not put my mind at ease. When I met with the surgeon, we discussed the other appointments that had to done before the surgery can be scheduled. There are four appointments. I get anxious and nervous when I have so many doctor's appointments, and I don't like missing work. So, I asked the scheduler to make all of the appointments for the same day. I am really starting to get nervous or maybe anxious about these appointments. I'm trying to bury myself in work and keep busy so that I don't think about it.
When I woke up this morning, I felt very alone. I felt nervous. I wished I had mom to talk to. I wept. I miss her. That doesn't go away. You can't explain it to anyone. You would think that with time, you would quit having the cry fits from missing someone who passes away. I guess I'm not there yet. There is jealousy too. I get jealous of my friends, coworkers, and acquaintances that still have their moms. I know it's silly to want to mom to go with me to these appointments, but she would have been there. I would have never gone to an appointment alone. I'm jealous of the girls of the BRCA group who's moms will be there with them when they have surgery. I know that I have people that will be there with me. I have some close friends that refuse to not be there, my kids, my grandma, some friends from church, etc. I don't really need anyone there since I'll be sleeping, but oh what I would give to wake up from surgery and see my mom's face. I would love to wake up from surgery to hear her voice, saying "I was right here with you, Baby. You did just fine". That's what I was thinking about when I woke up this morning. It's really hard emotionally...all of this. It's my decision alone. I just hope having this BPM and oophorectomy is the best choice. I keep thinking if someone handed my a lottery ticket and said that it had an 87% change of being a winner that I'd be pretty confident it was a winner. Breast cancer is not the kind of thing you want to have an 87% chance of winning.
The appointments are set for October 6th. Tuesday. Next Tuesday. Four days from today. My stomach is in knots. I will go in early morning to imaging for my very last mammogram. Immediately after that, I report to have an MRI of both breasts. Then I report to the doctor that will be removing my ovaries for the last time. In the afternoon, I will see the reconstructive surgeon. There are several things that I'm worried about. The mammogram doesn't bother me except for the fact that it's terribly uncomfortable and usually leaves my chest muscles and tissue sore/tender. If the MRI comes back clear, then we can schedule the surgery. If there is any tissue that looks questionable then we will move on to tissue testing. If there is cancerous tissue, I will have to begin chemo. That would be worst case scenario. The only reason I feel worried about this is because my mother was so young. When she was diagnosed at 47 with breast cancer. At 49 it was stage 4 breast cancer which metastasized. It had spread. It was in her bones. Watching her suffer in pain was beyond the worst thing I ever experienced. Her slow, painful death was excruciating to watch. I'm almost I am only 10 years younger than she was when she was diagnosed. I'm willing to accept that God is in control, even if the results are not clear for the MRI. I would be able to catch this really early, and hopefully survive it. I would never want my kids to see me the way I had to watch mom suffer.
I am on the fence about meeting with the reconstructive surgeon again. See, I've seen several people in the BRCA groups talk about this fairly new, less popular surgery. It is only one surgery. I wouldn't have to go back for the exchange 3 months later. No expanders, minimal drains. I talked with the doctors that will be removing the breast tissue. They said to mention it to the reconstructive surgeon because both doctors would have to be on board with this. This will still be difficult and same recovery time, but it's all at once. I am really hoping that I am a candidate for this option. It is not as popular because of how long you are under. It could potentially be a 8-10 hours surgery and that's a long time to be under. The other thing is that there is no time to stretch the muscle to put the implant under the muscle. I don't like the way they look on top of the muscle, but they can do fat grafting to make them look more natural, and use cadaver skin to create a secure resting place for the implants. People with larger breasts are not typically candidates for this surgery from what I understand. I will talk to the reconstructive surgeon to see if I am a candidate. The only thing that really I have to talk to the doctor about that is removing my ovaries is that I want to know if there are alternatives for menopause once he removes my ovaries. I know that I won't be able to take any hormones especially since my mom's breast cancer was hormone related (according to her medical records as per my doctor's information), so I wonder if there will be other options for me...maybe some natural options, healthier without having to put a bunch of chemicals in my body. I am thankful to be getting all of the appointments done in one day, but I'm still very nervous. I'm scared, and I wish my mom was going with me to tell me that it'll all be ok, no matter what the results of the MRI.
I'm not sure how to feel. It really stinks to be alone with all of this stuff going through my mind. Just have to breathe through it, and do it one day at a time. The phrase "Do not be afraid" is written 365 times in the Bible. Coincidence? I think not. One time for every day of the year. I like that.
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
Thrive...we shall see.
It's been a while since I've blogged, about a month. I think this blog will actually be my Thrive Experience testimony.
My weight: There was a time I was considered obese. I am 5'1". I weighed 195lbs at my heaviest. My problem was that I ate crap food all the time, and quit exercising. I have talked about this in a previous blog, so we will skip ahead. I was always a runner. I love running. I don't care for meat. I don't like the tearing part. I think meat feels barbaric on my teeth, and it's just not for me, so diets are really hard for me. I wouldn't say that I battle with my weight. I would say that I don't like my body. Never have. I think that is how most women feel. We will skip forward and talk about where I am at today. Right now I stay between 145-150lbs. I have been since probably September/October of last year. Even though I haven't gained any weight since losing 40 lbs last fall, I feel like I fell off the wagon.
My lifestyle: Let's go back to almost 3 months ago. For this to make sense, you have to know a little about my day to day life. I would get up around 4:00am. Sometimes I would lay in bed until 4:30 or 5:00. I am a morning person, so most of the time 4am just worked for me. I would get to work between 5-6am. I could get a lot of work done before the doors opened, customers came in, and the phones start ringing off the hook. I work in a very busy, high volume service department at a Ford dealership in Austin. I would leave work around 5-7pm. There are days that I would work until 9pm just to get caught up on particular projects. I was taking B12 for energy and still drinking a ton of soda. My day consisted on one B12 first thing in the morning, a monster for breakfast, fast food for lunch, no dinner, and 6-10 sodas per day. Remember that I also do photography on the side, so I would stay up until midnight some days editing photos. I would drink soda for the awesome pep that the caffeine gave me. I love Diet Coke. I love the energy that a soda gives me. I always drink Diet Coke because the sugar in regular soda makes me crash after a while. So, there I was surviving off of caffeine and B12 most days, and going going going 18-20 hours per day.
My friend Jana: Where do I begin with this woman? She is a very active person. She's a runner. She has 4 kids and fostered more for years. She goes to baseball games, works a job, manages a large household and has a fantastic body. Her legs are lean and toned. Her arms are toned and not flabby at all. She has a flat tummy, and tons of energy all the time. Jealous? Uh, yeah, me too. I've always been so jealous of her body and her energy. One day, she was telling me about this product that she had been using. It's called Thrive. I am skeptical of EVERY thing. I listened, but dismissed what she was saying because I'm not interested in buying stuff (sorry, Jana). *wink* A couple of weeks later she was telling me that this stuff really works, and that her husband had decided to try it. Her husband and I both work an insane crazy amount of hours. She said that he was really loving it. We met a few weeks later for a sit down talk about Thrive. She gave me a 4 or 5 days sample pack (I can't remember now). It took me over a week to actually try it. I didn't feel a difference. She said that some people don't at first. I read all over the internet on Thrive trying to find a reason not to try/buy it. The only negative thing I could find was mostly from people trying the sample pack and not seeing a difference in energy. I really thought that it was not for me. The more I read, the more I noticed that people who went a head and bought an entire month, and just jumped in were the ones noticing the difference. After reading tons of blogs, forums, discussion pages, FB pages, Thrive experiences, I found that heavy soda/energy drinkers took longer to feel the effects. I kept reading about all of these people that had their "wow day". I was having a hard time justifying spending the money on Thrive. I added up how much I spend on soda and energy drinks. I would get them out of our vending machine at work. One monster ($2.50) and on average 7 canned Diet Cokes ($.75 each). I was spending on average $7.75/day to stay alert all day and have energy. Wow! Lets say I was working only 5 days a week (yeah right). At 5 days per week, I was spending about $155.00 per month on just soda and energy drinks. That was the deciding factor. I decided to go all in and just order an entire month of Thrive.
My Thrive experience: I got my first order in. Jana kept calling me. She would say, "Have you tried it yet?'. My answer was no for over a week. She called (or texted) one day to say, "How can you have this awesome product in your mailbox and haven't even tried it?". She was so excited for me to try this product. So, game on. Let's do this. I took the two vitamins when I woke up, and slapped on my DFT (vitamin patch). On day three I can remember not being able to sleep at all. That can't happen because I only get about 4 hours of sleep at night anyway. Day 4, same thing. Day 5, I took the DFT off around 10pm. I slept fine that night. Maybe this stuff was working? Hmmmm. I also noticed on Day 5 that I had not had a soda all day. If you know me, you know that is NOT normal for me. I thought this was interesting. My "wow day" was day 10. I hadn't had a soda in 5 days, nor had I drank a monster for breakfast. I just didn't need them. I was driving to work on Day 10, and said out loud, "I feel good. Actually, I feel really good". I was excited and ready for the day to begin. That was when my Thrive Experience began. At some point I began wearing my patch through the night. I did notice that I woke up easier. I no longer had days that I would lay in bed for 30min to an hour hitting snooze. I would describe Thrive as a game changer for sure. My energy level isn't over the top like with sodas, or energy drinks. My energy is level ALL day. I am more alert, less tired. There is no need for caffeine or energy drinks. I have had maybe 3 sodas in the last 8 weeks. I have been using Thrive for 10 weeks now. I have missed one day of taking my vitamins and putting my patch on. I will not be doing that again. I remembered very quickly the tired me. I love running, walking, and going to the gym but lost the drive to do it. Three weeks ago I was talking with one of my daughters about walking at night, and we decided to just go. :) We walk 20 miles per week. We walk 4 miles per day, 5 days a week. We love it. I have the energy to actually do it! I get home from a 14 hour work day, change my clothes and off we go. I absolutely love this product and can't say enough about it. I was very skeptical at first, but now, I'm hooked. I love the level energy that I have all day long. I love that I pop out of bed at 4am. I love that I have the energy to walk 4 miles per day. So, this is my Thrive Experience so far.
People have actually seen a difference in my energy. They have also noticed that I'm not getting a soda every 2 hours. This was huge for me in particular. I have 2 friends that have noticed a change in MY energy, and have recently ordered for themselves. I'm ecstatic that I decided to "just give it a try". A very special thanks to my friend, Jana for continuing to push me to go get my Thrive out of the mailbox. :)
My weight: There was a time I was considered obese. I am 5'1". I weighed 195lbs at my heaviest. My problem was that I ate crap food all the time, and quit exercising. I have talked about this in a previous blog, so we will skip ahead. I was always a runner. I love running. I don't care for meat. I don't like the tearing part. I think meat feels barbaric on my teeth, and it's just not for me, so diets are really hard for me. I wouldn't say that I battle with my weight. I would say that I don't like my body. Never have. I think that is how most women feel. We will skip forward and talk about where I am at today. Right now I stay between 145-150lbs. I have been since probably September/October of last year. Even though I haven't gained any weight since losing 40 lbs last fall, I feel like I fell off the wagon.
My lifestyle: Let's go back to almost 3 months ago. For this to make sense, you have to know a little about my day to day life. I would get up around 4:00am. Sometimes I would lay in bed until 4:30 or 5:00. I am a morning person, so most of the time 4am just worked for me. I would get to work between 5-6am. I could get a lot of work done before the doors opened, customers came in, and the phones start ringing off the hook. I work in a very busy, high volume service department at a Ford dealership in Austin. I would leave work around 5-7pm. There are days that I would work until 9pm just to get caught up on particular projects. I was taking B12 for energy and still drinking a ton of soda. My day consisted on one B12 first thing in the morning, a monster for breakfast, fast food for lunch, no dinner, and 6-10 sodas per day. Remember that I also do photography on the side, so I would stay up until midnight some days editing photos. I would drink soda for the awesome pep that the caffeine gave me. I love Diet Coke. I love the energy that a soda gives me. I always drink Diet Coke because the sugar in regular soda makes me crash after a while. So, there I was surviving off of caffeine and B12 most days, and going going going 18-20 hours per day.
My friend Jana: Where do I begin with this woman? She is a very active person. She's a runner. She has 4 kids and fostered more for years. She goes to baseball games, works a job, manages a large household and has a fantastic body. Her legs are lean and toned. Her arms are toned and not flabby at all. She has a flat tummy, and tons of energy all the time. Jealous? Uh, yeah, me too. I've always been so jealous of her body and her energy. One day, she was telling me about this product that she had been using. It's called Thrive. I am skeptical of EVERY thing. I listened, but dismissed what she was saying because I'm not interested in buying stuff (sorry, Jana). *wink* A couple of weeks later she was telling me that this stuff really works, and that her husband had decided to try it. Her husband and I both work an insane crazy amount of hours. She said that he was really loving it. We met a few weeks later for a sit down talk about Thrive. She gave me a 4 or 5 days sample pack (I can't remember now). It took me over a week to actually try it. I didn't feel a difference. She said that some people don't at first. I read all over the internet on Thrive trying to find a reason not to try/buy it. The only negative thing I could find was mostly from people trying the sample pack and not seeing a difference in energy. I really thought that it was not for me. The more I read, the more I noticed that people who went a head and bought an entire month, and just jumped in were the ones noticing the difference. After reading tons of blogs, forums, discussion pages, FB pages, Thrive experiences, I found that heavy soda/energy drinkers took longer to feel the effects. I kept reading about all of these people that had their "wow day". I was having a hard time justifying spending the money on Thrive. I added up how much I spend on soda and energy drinks. I would get them out of our vending machine at work. One monster ($2.50) and on average 7 canned Diet Cokes ($.75 each). I was spending on average $7.75/day to stay alert all day and have energy. Wow! Lets say I was working only 5 days a week (yeah right). At 5 days per week, I was spending about $155.00 per month on just soda and energy drinks. That was the deciding factor. I decided to go all in and just order an entire month of Thrive.
My Thrive experience: I got my first order in. Jana kept calling me. She would say, "Have you tried it yet?'. My answer was no for over a week. She called (or texted) one day to say, "How can you have this awesome product in your mailbox and haven't even tried it?". She was so excited for me to try this product. So, game on. Let's do this. I took the two vitamins when I woke up, and slapped on my DFT (vitamin patch). On day three I can remember not being able to sleep at all. That can't happen because I only get about 4 hours of sleep at night anyway. Day 4, same thing. Day 5, I took the DFT off around 10pm. I slept fine that night. Maybe this stuff was working? Hmmmm. I also noticed on Day 5 that I had not had a soda all day. If you know me, you know that is NOT normal for me. I thought this was interesting. My "wow day" was day 10. I hadn't had a soda in 5 days, nor had I drank a monster for breakfast. I just didn't need them. I was driving to work on Day 10, and said out loud, "I feel good. Actually, I feel really good". I was excited and ready for the day to begin. That was when my Thrive Experience began. At some point I began wearing my patch through the night. I did notice that I woke up easier. I no longer had days that I would lay in bed for 30min to an hour hitting snooze. I would describe Thrive as a game changer for sure. My energy level isn't over the top like with sodas, or energy drinks. My energy is level ALL day. I am more alert, less tired. There is no need for caffeine or energy drinks. I have had maybe 3 sodas in the last 8 weeks. I have been using Thrive for 10 weeks now. I have missed one day of taking my vitamins and putting my patch on. I will not be doing that again. I remembered very quickly the tired me. I love running, walking, and going to the gym but lost the drive to do it. Three weeks ago I was talking with one of my daughters about walking at night, and we decided to just go. :) We walk 20 miles per week. We walk 4 miles per day, 5 days a week. We love it. I have the energy to actually do it! I get home from a 14 hour work day, change my clothes and off we go. I absolutely love this product and can't say enough about it. I was very skeptical at first, but now, I'm hooked. I love the level energy that I have all day long. I love that I pop out of bed at 4am. I love that I have the energy to walk 4 miles per day. So, this is my Thrive Experience so far.
People have actually seen a difference in my energy. They have also noticed that I'm not getting a soda every 2 hours. This was huge for me in particular. I have 2 friends that have noticed a change in MY energy, and have recently ordered for themselves. I'm ecstatic that I decided to "just give it a try". A very special thanks to my friend, Jana for continuing to push me to go get my Thrive out of the mailbox. :)
Thursday, July 16, 2015
Forgive yourself
It's been a month since my last post.
I have so much I'd like to blog about, but sometimes I feel guilty. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings with my blogs. I've really been thinking about this. I want to blog everything. My fears, my loves, my highlights, and my bummed out moments...buuuuut what if someone gets offended? This blog is public. So, after thinking about it and praying about it, I decided that I am going to blog whatever I feel like. :)
This was the entry in my daily devotional of Jesus Calling this morning:
SELF – PITY IS A SLIMY, BOTTOMLESS PIT, Once you fall in, you tend to go deeper and deeper into the mire. As you slide down those slippery walls, you are well on your way to depression, and the darkness is profound.
Your only hope is to look up and see the Light of My Presence shining down on you. Though the Light looks dim from your perspective, deep in the pit, those rays of hope can reach you at any depth. While you focus on Me in trust, you rise ever so slowly out of the abyss of despair. Finally, you can reach up and grasp My hand. I will pull you out into the Light again. I will gently cleanse you, washing off the clinging mire. I will cover you with My righteousness and walk with you down the path of Life. (reference scripture is: Psalm 40:2-3, Psalm 42:5, and Psalm 147:11)
I enjoy those daily devotionals in that book. Most of them are applicable to any situation. I don't have self-pity. I've said before that everything in my life has brought me to the exact place in my life that I am. I fell that this passage can apply to your life in general or a specific trial that you are going through. I think that sin carries weight. Most of us pack up a suitcase with our sins, and wrongdoings and carry them around with us. I personally feel that there are three ways to completely release yourself of the guilt/weight of sin. 1. Apologize. Apologies to people that you have wronged are huge. It allows a release. It allows open communication to heal from the wound caused by a sin or a wrong doing. James 5:16 says: "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective". Wow!! Pretty cool, huh? Here's the second thing: 2. Talk to God. Do not hid from your sin/wrongdoings. This is going to be shock, but He already knows. As filthy as sinners are, He still sent His son to die for those. Think about that for a minute. Think of a person that you know that maybe you don't like or that you have judged because of their sin. My example will be Hitler. Hitler had a lot of people killed. He treated the Jews terribly, yet God sent His son to die for Hitler as well. Come to Him. Come as you are. You wouldn't believe what a release it is when you feel in your heart that you are forgiven. When you know that God has forgiven you. It will bring a cleansing cry for your heart, mind and soul. Here is my last step in what I think it takes to unpack those suitcases of guilt: 3. Forgive yourself.
I have asked for forgiveness so many times for breaking the vows of my marriage. A little more than three weeks ago I was driving home from work, and praying. I like to pray in my car where it's nice and quiet. I do it on my way to work everyday. This particular day, I prayed peace over the people at my job. Seems to be a lot of chaos and stress, and that was weighing heavy on me. Then I apologized to God. I apologized for being a stumbling block to others. I apologized for the fact that I was not a person that people would see Jesus in because I broke the vows of my marriage. I cried hard. I want people to see Christ in me. I want people to say, "That girl has Jesus glowing from her". I haven't felt that I could be that person since I had the affair. It's been almost 11 months since that happened. I was bawling and apologizing for it again as I had done so many times before. This time (3+ weeks ago) was different...it was almost audible. In my heart and soul, I felt the words "I already forgave you". How can this be? How can He have already forgiven me? It's because He already knew my sin. I had already asked for His forgiveness of my wrongdoing. The week before I had actually apologized (via blog) to an important person affected by my wrong. So, 3+ weeks ago, I finally forgave myself. I finally unpacked that suitcase of guilt that I was carrying around. I can't not begin to tell you what a fantastic release that has been. No set backs, no turning back. I am forgiven! I am no longer carrying that guilt. I will no longer feel the need to continually confess to people why I am down or drift off in thought. I'm not down anymore. I am looking up. God has got this. I'm not sad or burdened by my affair. It happened. I can't change it now. I have needed to release it for so long. The only thing I can describe it as (which I have said before) is like a balloon. We carry around this balloon (guilt). It's tied to our wrist. It gets in the way and is a constant reminder of our sin/wrongdoing. The balloon (guilt) is constantly there, over your head, tugging at your wrist. God has asked you for the balloon several times, and you reply, "No, it's mine". You keep carrying that around with you. One day, you decide to trust God to carry that (just as Jesus carried the weight of all sin when on the cross). You let go. No more tugging at your wrist, no more constant reminder, no more dragging around that guilt. That the best way I know to describe it. It allows you to look at yourself again, refocus. You can love yourself again. You can smile again. You can breathe deeply. You can feel worthy of things. Everyone deserves that release. Everyone deserves to love themselves. Everyone deserves to feel God's sunshine and warmth on their face. Everyone. I feel so very free! I feel loved, and worthy of love.
It was hard for me when my ex-husband started dating (immediately after our divorce), but I have released that as well. I am excited for him. I really hope he is good. I hope he is able to love freely. I hope she is everything he ever needed and wanted in a partner/friend. I hope "the one" is nice to him. I hope his heart can heal through the love of another. Here is a letter to the person who dates my ex-husband:
Dear woman (couldn't come up with anything else),
The person you are interested in, and may fall in love with is my ex-husband. He's a gentle man. He will never harm you and will do anything to protect you. He has a hard time with emotion, but do not fault him for that. It's the way he is structured. It's part of what makes him, him. He's rarely angry. He will sit with you and listen to every word. He doesn't talk much, so in conversation his contribution is his listening skills. He's quite handy. He can fix just about anything. He loves deeply, and shows it by being helpful. He doesn't have to have a list of "things to do". He just does them. He drifts off in thought a lot, but it's usually about you. He's a people pleaser, and will go out of his way to diffuse a situation before it can lead to conflict. Be nice to him. He doesn't express himself much, but he thoroughly enjoys people who are not mean. He gets frustrated, but doesn't show it. He was the man I once loved with everything in me. Please don't hurt him. He's strong and masculine, but he can be hurt. Hold his hand, but don't crowd him. He is not perfect, but neither are you. Love his faults. He will let you dig through his phone. He closes browsers, but does not clear history. Check it. Be sweet to the kids. All of them. Keep in mind that the two middle children have two mothers (biological and me). We are quite protective of them. Don't be upset if he forgets things. He will make up for it. Last but not least, love him with everything you have. Help him in his life journey. Help him to be a better man today than he was yesterday. Be an addition to his life, not a an anchor.
Love, Darla
Where does that put me? Where am I at now? Well, I feel forgiven. Free. Capable of feeling and showing love. I now feel worthy of love. I am dating. The man I've been dating...well...he's nice. He's really nice. I'm not brave enough to talk much more about him than that. He makes me smile. I guess somewhere in the last 10+ months, I had forgotten how to genuinely smile. I'm smiling for me now. I don't feel the weight of that suitcase or balloon. I have unpacked everything, given it to God, and stepped out into the sunshine. You can't start your life story over, but you can end a chapter and move on to the next one. You will never feel freedom of your mind and heart if you keep re-reading and trying to edit the last chapter.
I have so much I'd like to blog about, but sometimes I feel guilty. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings with my blogs. I've really been thinking about this. I want to blog everything. My fears, my loves, my highlights, and my bummed out moments...buuuuut what if someone gets offended? This blog is public. So, after thinking about it and praying about it, I decided that I am going to blog whatever I feel like. :)
This was the entry in my daily devotional of Jesus Calling this morning:
SELF – PITY IS A SLIMY, BOTTOMLESS PIT, Once you fall in, you tend to go deeper and deeper into the mire. As you slide down those slippery walls, you are well on your way to depression, and the darkness is profound.
Your only hope is to look up and see the Light of My Presence shining down on you. Though the Light looks dim from your perspective, deep in the pit, those rays of hope can reach you at any depth. While you focus on Me in trust, you rise ever so slowly out of the abyss of despair. Finally, you can reach up and grasp My hand. I will pull you out into the Light again. I will gently cleanse you, washing off the clinging mire. I will cover you with My righteousness and walk with you down the path of Life. (reference scripture is: Psalm 40:2-3, Psalm 42:5, and Psalm 147:11)
I enjoy those daily devotionals in that book. Most of them are applicable to any situation. I don't have self-pity. I've said before that everything in my life has brought me to the exact place in my life that I am. I fell that this passage can apply to your life in general or a specific trial that you are going through. I think that sin carries weight. Most of us pack up a suitcase with our sins, and wrongdoings and carry them around with us. I personally feel that there are three ways to completely release yourself of the guilt/weight of sin. 1. Apologize. Apologies to people that you have wronged are huge. It allows a release. It allows open communication to heal from the wound caused by a sin or a wrong doing. James 5:16 says: "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective". Wow!! Pretty cool, huh? Here's the second thing: 2. Talk to God. Do not hid from your sin/wrongdoings. This is going to be shock, but He already knows. As filthy as sinners are, He still sent His son to die for those. Think about that for a minute. Think of a person that you know that maybe you don't like or that you have judged because of their sin. My example will be Hitler. Hitler had a lot of people killed. He treated the Jews terribly, yet God sent His son to die for Hitler as well. Come to Him. Come as you are. You wouldn't believe what a release it is when you feel in your heart that you are forgiven. When you know that God has forgiven you. It will bring a cleansing cry for your heart, mind and soul. Here is my last step in what I think it takes to unpack those suitcases of guilt: 3. Forgive yourself.
I have asked for forgiveness so many times for breaking the vows of my marriage. A little more than three weeks ago I was driving home from work, and praying. I like to pray in my car where it's nice and quiet. I do it on my way to work everyday. This particular day, I prayed peace over the people at my job. Seems to be a lot of chaos and stress, and that was weighing heavy on me. Then I apologized to God. I apologized for being a stumbling block to others. I apologized for the fact that I was not a person that people would see Jesus in because I broke the vows of my marriage. I cried hard. I want people to see Christ in me. I want people to say, "That girl has Jesus glowing from her". I haven't felt that I could be that person since I had the affair. It's been almost 11 months since that happened. I was bawling and apologizing for it again as I had done so many times before. This time (3+ weeks ago) was different...it was almost audible. In my heart and soul, I felt the words "I already forgave you". How can this be? How can He have already forgiven me? It's because He already knew my sin. I had already asked for His forgiveness of my wrongdoing. The week before I had actually apologized (via blog) to an important person affected by my wrong. So, 3+ weeks ago, I finally forgave myself. I finally unpacked that suitcase of guilt that I was carrying around. I can't not begin to tell you what a fantastic release that has been. No set backs, no turning back. I am forgiven! I am no longer carrying that guilt. I will no longer feel the need to continually confess to people why I am down or drift off in thought. I'm not down anymore. I am looking up. God has got this. I'm not sad or burdened by my affair. It happened. I can't change it now. I have needed to release it for so long. The only thing I can describe it as (which I have said before) is like a balloon. We carry around this balloon (guilt). It's tied to our wrist. It gets in the way and is a constant reminder of our sin/wrongdoing. The balloon (guilt) is constantly there, over your head, tugging at your wrist. God has asked you for the balloon several times, and you reply, "No, it's mine". You keep carrying that around with you. One day, you decide to trust God to carry that (just as Jesus carried the weight of all sin when on the cross). You let go. No more tugging at your wrist, no more constant reminder, no more dragging around that guilt. That the best way I know to describe it. It allows you to look at yourself again, refocus. You can love yourself again. You can smile again. You can breathe deeply. You can feel worthy of things. Everyone deserves that release. Everyone deserves to love themselves. Everyone deserves to feel God's sunshine and warmth on their face. Everyone. I feel so very free! I feel loved, and worthy of love.
It was hard for me when my ex-husband started dating (immediately after our divorce), but I have released that as well. I am excited for him. I really hope he is good. I hope he is able to love freely. I hope she is everything he ever needed and wanted in a partner/friend. I hope "the one" is nice to him. I hope his heart can heal through the love of another. Here is a letter to the person who dates my ex-husband:
Dear woman (couldn't come up with anything else),
The person you are interested in, and may fall in love with is my ex-husband. He's a gentle man. He will never harm you and will do anything to protect you. He has a hard time with emotion, but do not fault him for that. It's the way he is structured. It's part of what makes him, him. He's rarely angry. He will sit with you and listen to every word. He doesn't talk much, so in conversation his contribution is his listening skills. He's quite handy. He can fix just about anything. He loves deeply, and shows it by being helpful. He doesn't have to have a list of "things to do". He just does them. He drifts off in thought a lot, but it's usually about you. He's a people pleaser, and will go out of his way to diffuse a situation before it can lead to conflict. Be nice to him. He doesn't express himself much, but he thoroughly enjoys people who are not mean. He gets frustrated, but doesn't show it. He was the man I once loved with everything in me. Please don't hurt him. He's strong and masculine, but he can be hurt. Hold his hand, but don't crowd him. He is not perfect, but neither are you. Love his faults. He will let you dig through his phone. He closes browsers, but does not clear history. Check it. Be sweet to the kids. All of them. Keep in mind that the two middle children have two mothers (biological and me). We are quite protective of them. Don't be upset if he forgets things. He will make up for it. Last but not least, love him with everything you have. Help him in his life journey. Help him to be a better man today than he was yesterday. Be an addition to his life, not a an anchor.
Love, Darla
Where does that put me? Where am I at now? Well, I feel forgiven. Free. Capable of feeling and showing love. I now feel worthy of love. I am dating. The man I've been dating...well...he's nice. He's really nice. I'm not brave enough to talk much more about him than that. He makes me smile. I guess somewhere in the last 10+ months, I had forgotten how to genuinely smile. I'm smiling for me now. I don't feel the weight of that suitcase or balloon. I have unpacked everything, given it to God, and stepped out into the sunshine. You can't start your life story over, but you can end a chapter and move on to the next one. You will never feel freedom of your mind and heart if you keep re-reading and trying to edit the last chapter.
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
Smiling is contagious
I'm an open book. You can ask me anything and I will give you the honest answer. I've always said that one should be careful with the questions they ask because you just might get an answer. Don't set yourself up to receive information you don't want. Don't ask the questions if you have not prepared yourself for the possibility of every answer. I've blogged many times on individuality (or lack there of), viewing life from different perspectives, being you, and your "normal".
I am honest. I'm sincere. I'm not mean or hateful. I make excuses for every person in order to justify not being upset with a situation. For instance, lets say the person driving in front of you is doing 45 in a 55. That's irritating, huh? What if it's actually a girl who has soup in her front seat that she's taking to her very sick mother, and she's trying to not spill it. How about the guy in the movies that's texting? Really, guy?! Well, maybe he just got a text alert from his doctors office about his diagnosis...maybe he was at the movies to just pass the time and try not to worry. Maybe the girl that seemingly hates her job at Sonic this morning is actually just tired from working all three of her jobs to get through college. The old man walking slow that inconvenienced you so much at Walgreens that you had to go down a different isle is just there because he used to pick up his wife's prescriptions before she passed away, and being at Walgreens feels comforting. How about the parents of the young kid on the bike that darted out in front of your car. Where are his parents? Terrible parenting, right? What if his father is fighting for our country, and the mother was right there, but the child didn't hear her say to stop.
I'm not saying to make excuses for everyone you come in contact with. I am simply saying that maybe we should all think about what possibilities might be going on in other people's lives. None of our lives are the same. We are all dealing with different situations in our lives. Be patient with each other...you have no idea what their life luggage contains. You don't know what they have to carry with them every day for the rest of their lives.
Be kind. Say sorry, and mean it. Be honest. Be helpful. Pay for someone behind you in the drive through. Be gentle. Give a homeless person $50 just because. Be patient. Don't yell. Buy someone's dinner across the restaurant. Be love to others. Be sweet. Be thoughtful. Send flowers to someone anonymously. Smile. Compliment people. Tip $100 for no reason at all. Be positive.
Smiling is contagious. Just smile.
I am honest. I'm sincere. I'm not mean or hateful. I make excuses for every person in order to justify not being upset with a situation. For instance, lets say the person driving in front of you is doing 45 in a 55. That's irritating, huh? What if it's actually a girl who has soup in her front seat that she's taking to her very sick mother, and she's trying to not spill it. How about the guy in the movies that's texting? Really, guy?! Well, maybe he just got a text alert from his doctors office about his diagnosis...maybe he was at the movies to just pass the time and try not to worry. Maybe the girl that seemingly hates her job at Sonic this morning is actually just tired from working all three of her jobs to get through college. The old man walking slow that inconvenienced you so much at Walgreens that you had to go down a different isle is just there because he used to pick up his wife's prescriptions before she passed away, and being at Walgreens feels comforting. How about the parents of the young kid on the bike that darted out in front of your car. Where are his parents? Terrible parenting, right? What if his father is fighting for our country, and the mother was right there, but the child didn't hear her say to stop.
I'm not saying to make excuses for everyone you come in contact with. I am simply saying that maybe we should all think about what possibilities might be going on in other people's lives. None of our lives are the same. We are all dealing with different situations in our lives. Be patient with each other...you have no idea what their life luggage contains. You don't know what they have to carry with them every day for the rest of their lives.
Be kind. Say sorry, and mean it. Be honest. Be helpful. Pay for someone behind you in the drive through. Be gentle. Give a homeless person $50 just because. Be patient. Don't yell. Buy someone's dinner across the restaurant. Be love to others. Be sweet. Be thoughtful. Send flowers to someone anonymously. Smile. Compliment people. Tip $100 for no reason at all. Be positive.
Smiling is contagious. Just smile.
Monday, June 8, 2015
A fat ugly troll
Initially I thought blogging was a good idea for just getting my thoughts out. I have a couple of people who read them that really are just being nosy. I don't mind that at all. This particular blog is for one of them (specifically). :)
Dear Unnamed,
I'm not going to lie...there are people that I wish would blog so that I could be nosy. You are NOT one of them. I really feel terrible that you have nothing better to do than read my blogs, judge me, and run your mouth about me. Guess what? I don't care. It doesn't effect me in the slightest. I don't care about your judgment. Not one of us is perfect, and you certainly fall in that same category. Smile, it's ok. I'm not judging you for it. You have to do what makes you feel good about yourself. Right?
You call me a fat ugly troll all the time to other people. Awww. That's really special. You're vocabulary rarely reflects that you have a college education. I think it's sad. I'll have you know that I'm not fat, nor am I a troll. I am not 100 lbs, and I'm not a size 0, but I'm not fat. I'm comfortable in my body. There was a time when I was fat, and you were as well. I worked hard to lose the weight. I didn't have weight loss surgery. I didn't take a magic pill. I went to the gym 4-5 nights a week for 1-2 hours to work off what I didn't like. I don't have a perfect body in my eyes, just as you don't in your eyes. I don't know any woman personally that thinks she has a perfect body. So, I'll sit back and let you call me fat, because frankly, I don't care what your thoughts are about me. As far as being a troll, I'm not sure where you dreamed that up. The definition of a troll is a mythical, cave-dwelling being depicted in folklore as either a giant or a dwarf, typically having a very ugly appearance. Well, I am not cave dwelling, giant, dwarflike (well maybe a little short), or ugly. I'm not beautiful physically. I'm aware of that. I accept that. Your heart and the way you treat people is ugly and that ugliness radiates through your skin. I thought you were pretty, but your hatred, mean demeanor, and mouth has botched my initial opinion on your physical beauty. Meh, who cares what a fat troll thinks anyway, right? *wink* My suggestion for you is to spend time reflecting on what actually makes a person beautiful. Helpful hint: it's never someone else's opinion.
Now, this paragraph is me sincerely apologizing for your life being turned upside down. I had no intension of ever hurting you. I never meant for things to turn out the way they did. You hated your life before, and got "rid of the worst part of your life". I'm glad that worked out in your favor. I'm so glad that you are now able to move on to greater things. Good for you. I really am sorry for the trauma that I caused you and your family. I'm sure that underneath all of that hard core, mean, tough girl front that you emit, is a very hurt person. I am sincerely sorry for that hurt. I realize that my apology doesn't change a thing. I'm not perfect. I have never claimed to be. I have more faults and wrongs than I can list, as does everyone else in this world. I realize that you feel that you are never wrong. I'm sure you've never wronged anyone in your life or so it may seem. I want you to know that I was hurt in this as well. I lost everything, and I deserved that without a doubt (that doesn't make it hurt less). I can tell you that for a while the picture of you sitting on my husband's lap 4 days after our divorce killed me. It hurt every time I looked at my phone, and I deserved that hurt. That picture was taken the day before the anniversary of my mother's death. The timing was horrendous. I was a mess. I'm sure that makes you happy. I can understand that you are delighted in knowing that you hurt me as well. I deserve that.
Your relationship with your ex-husband is your business. Your relationship with my ex-husband is also your business. I do not care about the relationships you have. You have exposed and flaunted your hatred for me. I don't have a problem with that either. I am not bothered by your opinion of me. It doesn't change any thing. I am by no means cocky, or confident. I never really have been. I take life one day at a time. Some days are good, and some days are not. I try to keep a positive attitude in hopes that even on the bad days, something good will blossom from it. If you feel the need, you are more than welcome to contact me via email, phone, FB messenger, or however you'd like. I don't hate you. I don't even dislike you. I don't really have an opinion of you since I've only met you that one time.
I hope you find absolute happiness. I hope that one day you can look back on this and realize that this turning point in your life was towards something grander. I hope that you can forgive the people in your life that hurt you. I hope that you smile. I hope that someone enters your life and makes your heart melt every time you see him. I hope that your heart heals, so that you can love with purity and without fear of being hurt. I hope your nights aren't sleepless. I hope you find peace in all of your decisions. I hope that you learn to love again.
Dear Unnamed,
I'm not going to lie...there are people that I wish would blog so that I could be nosy. You are NOT one of them. I really feel terrible that you have nothing better to do than read my blogs, judge me, and run your mouth about me. Guess what? I don't care. It doesn't effect me in the slightest. I don't care about your judgment. Not one of us is perfect, and you certainly fall in that same category. Smile, it's ok. I'm not judging you for it. You have to do what makes you feel good about yourself. Right?
You call me a fat ugly troll all the time to other people. Awww. That's really special. You're vocabulary rarely reflects that you have a college education. I think it's sad. I'll have you know that I'm not fat, nor am I a troll. I am not 100 lbs, and I'm not a size 0, but I'm not fat. I'm comfortable in my body. There was a time when I was fat, and you were as well. I worked hard to lose the weight. I didn't have weight loss surgery. I didn't take a magic pill. I went to the gym 4-5 nights a week for 1-2 hours to work off what I didn't like. I don't have a perfect body in my eyes, just as you don't in your eyes. I don't know any woman personally that thinks she has a perfect body. So, I'll sit back and let you call me fat, because frankly, I don't care what your thoughts are about me. As far as being a troll, I'm not sure where you dreamed that up. The definition of a troll is a mythical, cave-dwelling being depicted in folklore as either a giant or a dwarf, typically having a very ugly appearance. Well, I am not cave dwelling, giant, dwarflike (well maybe a little short), or ugly. I'm not beautiful physically. I'm aware of that. I accept that. Your heart and the way you treat people is ugly and that ugliness radiates through your skin. I thought you were pretty, but your hatred, mean demeanor, and mouth has botched my initial opinion on your physical beauty. Meh, who cares what a fat troll thinks anyway, right? *wink* My suggestion for you is to spend time reflecting on what actually makes a person beautiful. Helpful hint: it's never someone else's opinion.
Now, this paragraph is me sincerely apologizing for your life being turned upside down. I had no intension of ever hurting you. I never meant for things to turn out the way they did. You hated your life before, and got "rid of the worst part of your life". I'm glad that worked out in your favor. I'm so glad that you are now able to move on to greater things. Good for you. I really am sorry for the trauma that I caused you and your family. I'm sure that underneath all of that hard core, mean, tough girl front that you emit, is a very hurt person. I am sincerely sorry for that hurt. I realize that my apology doesn't change a thing. I'm not perfect. I have never claimed to be. I have more faults and wrongs than I can list, as does everyone else in this world. I realize that you feel that you are never wrong. I'm sure you've never wronged anyone in your life or so it may seem. I want you to know that I was hurt in this as well. I lost everything, and I deserved that without a doubt (that doesn't make it hurt less). I can tell you that for a while the picture of you sitting on my husband's lap 4 days after our divorce killed me. It hurt every time I looked at my phone, and I deserved that hurt. That picture was taken the day before the anniversary of my mother's death. The timing was horrendous. I was a mess. I'm sure that makes you happy. I can understand that you are delighted in knowing that you hurt me as well. I deserve that.
Your relationship with your ex-husband is your business. Your relationship with my ex-husband is also your business. I do not care about the relationships you have. You have exposed and flaunted your hatred for me. I don't have a problem with that either. I am not bothered by your opinion of me. It doesn't change any thing. I am by no means cocky, or confident. I never really have been. I take life one day at a time. Some days are good, and some days are not. I try to keep a positive attitude in hopes that even on the bad days, something good will blossom from it. If you feel the need, you are more than welcome to contact me via email, phone, FB messenger, or however you'd like. I don't hate you. I don't even dislike you. I don't really have an opinion of you since I've only met you that one time.
I hope you find absolute happiness. I hope that one day you can look back on this and realize that this turning point in your life was towards something grander. I hope that you can forgive the people in your life that hurt you. I hope that you smile. I hope that someone enters your life and makes your heart melt every time you see him. I hope that your heart heals, so that you can love with purity and without fear of being hurt. I hope your nights aren't sleepless. I hope you find peace in all of your decisions. I hope that you learn to love again.
Friday, May 15, 2015
I think knee caps are weird.
Life isn't a movie. You can't rewind it. You can't edit it. No scene is perfect. The lighting is not ideal. The weather is unpredictable. The characters aren't played by selected actors. There's no second takes because you didn't like the last scene. By the time you get to the end, you realize that it was yours. No one else had all of the same people, scenes, experiences, or choices in their life. We are each unique even in the way we live, learn, and love.
I began life as a wee little thing 7lbs 6 oz, born on a rainy spring evening to an unwed mother. My mother had just turned 16 when she had me. Her life was much harder than I can imagine. She was Little Miss Sequin a couple years before I was born. She was stunning. She danced so gracefully. She moved with an incredible elegance about her. I didn't inherit those qualities. Dancing did not come naturally to me. I was in dance for years, and it just didn't take well. I don't have the beauty that my mother had. I don't look like my father either. I am just me. I've always just been me. I'm not pretty. I'm not grotesque. I'm a 5 on the 1-10 scale. I've always been a 5. I don't turn heads or stomachs. I'm just mediocre. A solid 5. I was never good at anything. I tried basketball, football (water boy), weight lifting, tap dancing, twirling, ballet, tumbling, cross country, boys...the list goes on. I've never really been good at anything. I never succeeded at any of those things.
At 16, I got pregnant with my daughter Chelsea. I had her just before my 17th birthday. By the time I was 18, I was pregnant again. I gave birth to another girl. At 8 months old, I placed her with a very loving and incredible family from the church. They had been trying to have a baby, and were on adoption lists awaiting a child. I won't go into all of the details of what was going on in my life at that time. It irrelevant. Most people don't even know that I had another child. When I was 23 I got married to a fantastic man. He was absolutely the nicest person I had ever met in my life. He was 18 at the time. We had a lot of fun. We learned, laughed, cried, did silly things, and loved each other very much. A year into our marriage, we found out that we were pregnant. We had our son Brian. When Brian was 5, we divorced. Skipping details (for now). Here I was single mother, two kids, a dog, two cars, a mortgage, and no idea how to work a lawn mower. I met a guy that I had gone to school with. Incredible man. Our children were the same age. Our girls were 8 months apart and our sons were 1 year apart. The kids got a long fabulously, still do. After a year of dating, he asked me to be his wife. To this day, I can say that our wedding day was my favorite day in my life. I was pretty that day. I wasn't a 5. I was a 10 to him. It was a perfect day. 4 years later...divorced. You can read previous blogs for the details on that. I didn't get it right again. I failed as a wife, not once but twice. I'm quite a catch, eh? I'm not a perfect mom. I know there are people who would look at me as a failure because I placed my child for adoption. I have never really talked about it. Don't assume that I'm a failure because of it. I'll tell you that I thought that...for years. It wasn't until the day that she thanked me that I realized that I didn't fail her. She thanked me for her family. She thanked me.
I didn't get it all right. I didn't even get half of it right, not even a third or a 16th of it right. Life was tough. Still is. But I am still me. We don't have to get it "right". That's an opinion. We do make it ours.
I've never been an exceptionally exciting person. I am an oddball to most. I am just me. Each little thing in my life created/s this person I am. I am witty. I can make you laugh in most any situation. I love doing impressions. I love baking, but I only do it when I'm happy. I love to run but can't always find the time. I love water with lemon in it. I don't eat a lot of meat. I despise chicken. I like math. It's like a puzzle to me. I think Dwight Yoakum is the sexiest man alive. I can eat butter with a spoon. I love photography, but have a long way to go. I'm good at my job. It's black and white with rule books. It takes a LOT to make me mad, but I'm easily hurt. I don't think people hate me, but I am a bit much for some. I have never tried drugs of any kind. I love dancing in the rain. I have long hair because I cry if I cut it. I eat out of containers so that I don't have to do dishes. I love popcorn. I like ribbon & lace together. I only had two wisdom teeth. I had them taken out during a lunch break once. I have 5 sisters. I love technology, but I am terrible at using it. I loved being married. I do craft projects because I'm too cheap to buy wall art. I don't iron. I wear a size 4-5 shoe. I can buy in the kids section. I hate spiders. Even the little ones freak me out. I'm highly allergic to poison ivy, and have been in the hospital because of it. I bit my nails until I was 13. I cry when I'm mad. I wish poodle skirts and saddle shoes would come back in style. I can't keep a plant alive. I once tried to lower my sister in a well. I don't use the word step to describe family members. I'm jealous of people with dark eyes. If there was an ethnic sign up sheet at birth, I would have been Mexican. I'm hypoglycemic. I have never lived alone until the last 3 weeks of my life. My favorite color is green. I've never tried a martini, but have always wanted to order one because of how cool James Bond sounded when he ordered one. I think knee caps are weird. I love red polish, but never polish my fingernails. I love asparagus, and will eat it out of the can. I have one tattoo that I sincerely regret. My first name is Laura. I've been in more fist fights with boys than girls. I have no filter. I love drag racing. As a kid, my favorite movie was Born Free. I liked the actor accents. I've been in automotive for 20 years. I like the smell of skunks. I do not think that leggings are pants. I like barbeque sauce, but don't eat barbeque. My favorite sound is the laughter of children. I have no idea what grits are. Tulips are my favorite flower. I think skipping rocks is fun. I think every one should kiss in the rain. I love the Bee Gees. I've never bought a brand name purse. I have a necklace that my niece made me at church with Christmas ribbon and beads. That was 11 years ago. I still wear it. My second toe is shorter than my big toe. I only wash my hair 1-2xs per week. I love looking at the stars. I think octopuses are a little creepy. When I was a kid, my sisters had .22s I had a sling shot. I was a better aim then they were. I like hopscotch. My favorite author is Dean Koontz. I've never owned a pair of cowgirl boots, but want to. I'm 5'1", but say that I'm taller. I'm a terrible player of Monopoly. I once had my tongue pierced in two places. I think football is the most ignorant sport on the planet, and I refuse to watch it. A boy once swam to the middle of a pond in February to get a leaf because I asked him to. I've never been kissed at sunset. I love the beach. I touched a sting ray recently for the first time in my life. I want to ride on a city bus at least once in my life. I say "excuse me" when I burp even if I'm alone. I like the smell of cigars and pipes. I put salt on watermelon. I can still do a back bend. I carry floss in my purse. I eat the stem of okra. I've wrecked every car I've ever owned. 13. At thanksgiving, I can't stand the turkey carcass in sight. I don't use pencils. I think jello is confusing because it's not a solid or a liquid. I love the smell of honeysuckles. I think poop comes up way too often in conversation. This is all me. These are the quirks, the sillys, the weirds, the goods, and the bads, these things are me.
These are not exciting things. I've never accomplished much, but this is mine. No redos. No second takes. No scene changes. No make-up artists. This is me. I'm just me. Nothing spectacular. Merely a 5. I don't deserve a pedestal, medals, trophies, or awards. I didn't get it all right, and guess what none of us do. We all fault ourselves. Each day is yours. You can make whatever you want of it. You can chose to love, dance, sing, whatever you want, but you don't get a redo, so make it something that is you. Make today yours. There will be storms in life, adjust your sail so you can enjoy the ride.
~Darla
I began life as a wee little thing 7lbs 6 oz, born on a rainy spring evening to an unwed mother. My mother had just turned 16 when she had me. Her life was much harder than I can imagine. She was Little Miss Sequin a couple years before I was born. She was stunning. She danced so gracefully. She moved with an incredible elegance about her. I didn't inherit those qualities. Dancing did not come naturally to me. I was in dance for years, and it just didn't take well. I don't have the beauty that my mother had. I don't look like my father either. I am just me. I've always just been me. I'm not pretty. I'm not grotesque. I'm a 5 on the 1-10 scale. I've always been a 5. I don't turn heads or stomachs. I'm just mediocre. A solid 5. I was never good at anything. I tried basketball, football (water boy), weight lifting, tap dancing, twirling, ballet, tumbling, cross country, boys...the list goes on. I've never really been good at anything. I never succeeded at any of those things.
At 16, I got pregnant with my daughter Chelsea. I had her just before my 17th birthday. By the time I was 18, I was pregnant again. I gave birth to another girl. At 8 months old, I placed her with a very loving and incredible family from the church. They had been trying to have a baby, and were on adoption lists awaiting a child. I won't go into all of the details of what was going on in my life at that time. It irrelevant. Most people don't even know that I had another child. When I was 23 I got married to a fantastic man. He was absolutely the nicest person I had ever met in my life. He was 18 at the time. We had a lot of fun. We learned, laughed, cried, did silly things, and loved each other very much. A year into our marriage, we found out that we were pregnant. We had our son Brian. When Brian was 5, we divorced. Skipping details (for now). Here I was single mother, two kids, a dog, two cars, a mortgage, and no idea how to work a lawn mower. I met a guy that I had gone to school with. Incredible man. Our children were the same age. Our girls were 8 months apart and our sons were 1 year apart. The kids got a long fabulously, still do. After a year of dating, he asked me to be his wife. To this day, I can say that our wedding day was my favorite day in my life. I was pretty that day. I wasn't a 5. I was a 10 to him. It was a perfect day. 4 years later...divorced. You can read previous blogs for the details on that. I didn't get it right again. I failed as a wife, not once but twice. I'm quite a catch, eh? I'm not a perfect mom. I know there are people who would look at me as a failure because I placed my child for adoption. I have never really talked about it. Don't assume that I'm a failure because of it. I'll tell you that I thought that...for years. It wasn't until the day that she thanked me that I realized that I didn't fail her. She thanked me for her family. She thanked me.
I didn't get it all right. I didn't even get half of it right, not even a third or a 16th of it right. Life was tough. Still is. But I am still me. We don't have to get it "right". That's an opinion. We do make it ours.
I've never been an exceptionally exciting person. I am an oddball to most. I am just me. Each little thing in my life created/s this person I am. I am witty. I can make you laugh in most any situation. I love doing impressions. I love baking, but I only do it when I'm happy. I love to run but can't always find the time. I love water with lemon in it. I don't eat a lot of meat. I despise chicken. I like math. It's like a puzzle to me. I think Dwight Yoakum is the sexiest man alive. I can eat butter with a spoon. I love photography, but have a long way to go. I'm good at my job. It's black and white with rule books. It takes a LOT to make me mad, but I'm easily hurt. I don't think people hate me, but I am a bit much for some. I have never tried drugs of any kind. I love dancing in the rain. I have long hair because I cry if I cut it. I eat out of containers so that I don't have to do dishes. I love popcorn. I like ribbon & lace together. I only had two wisdom teeth. I had them taken out during a lunch break once. I have 5 sisters. I love technology, but I am terrible at using it. I loved being married. I do craft projects because I'm too cheap to buy wall art. I don't iron. I wear a size 4-5 shoe. I can buy in the kids section. I hate spiders. Even the little ones freak me out. I'm highly allergic to poison ivy, and have been in the hospital because of it. I bit my nails until I was 13. I cry when I'm mad. I wish poodle skirts and saddle shoes would come back in style. I can't keep a plant alive. I once tried to lower my sister in a well. I don't use the word step to describe family members. I'm jealous of people with dark eyes. If there was an ethnic sign up sheet at birth, I would have been Mexican. I'm hypoglycemic. I have never lived alone until the last 3 weeks of my life. My favorite color is green. I've never tried a martini, but have always wanted to order one because of how cool James Bond sounded when he ordered one. I think knee caps are weird. I love red polish, but never polish my fingernails. I love asparagus, and will eat it out of the can. I have one tattoo that I sincerely regret. My first name is Laura. I've been in more fist fights with boys than girls. I have no filter. I love drag racing. As a kid, my favorite movie was Born Free. I liked the actor accents. I've been in automotive for 20 years. I like the smell of skunks. I do not think that leggings are pants. I like barbeque sauce, but don't eat barbeque. My favorite sound is the laughter of children. I have no idea what grits are. Tulips are my favorite flower. I think skipping rocks is fun. I think every one should kiss in the rain. I love the Bee Gees. I've never bought a brand name purse. I have a necklace that my niece made me at church with Christmas ribbon and beads. That was 11 years ago. I still wear it. My second toe is shorter than my big toe. I only wash my hair 1-2xs per week. I love looking at the stars. I think octopuses are a little creepy. When I was a kid, my sisters had .22s I had a sling shot. I was a better aim then they were. I like hopscotch. My favorite author is Dean Koontz. I've never owned a pair of cowgirl boots, but want to. I'm 5'1", but say that I'm taller. I'm a terrible player of Monopoly. I once had my tongue pierced in two places. I think football is the most ignorant sport on the planet, and I refuse to watch it. A boy once swam to the middle of a pond in February to get a leaf because I asked him to. I've never been kissed at sunset. I love the beach. I touched a sting ray recently for the first time in my life. I want to ride on a city bus at least once in my life. I say "excuse me" when I burp even if I'm alone. I like the smell of cigars and pipes. I put salt on watermelon. I can still do a back bend. I carry floss in my purse. I eat the stem of okra. I've wrecked every car I've ever owned. 13. At thanksgiving, I can't stand the turkey carcass in sight. I don't use pencils. I think jello is confusing because it's not a solid or a liquid. I love the smell of honeysuckles. I think poop comes up way too often in conversation. This is all me. These are the quirks, the sillys, the weirds, the goods, and the bads, these things are me.
These are not exciting things. I've never accomplished much, but this is mine. No redos. No second takes. No scene changes. No make-up artists. This is me. I'm just me. Nothing spectacular. Merely a 5. I don't deserve a pedestal, medals, trophies, or awards. I didn't get it all right, and guess what none of us do. We all fault ourselves. Each day is yours. You can make whatever you want of it. You can chose to love, dance, sing, whatever you want, but you don't get a redo, so make it something that is you. Make today yours. There will be storms in life, adjust your sail so you can enjoy the ride.
~Darla
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
I covered your hiney to save you some dignity
It was March 18th 2013. I remember that I had been working a lot of hours. It was warm that year, so I was doing a lot of shoots, a lot of editing, and a lot of hours at my day job. I was tired. I needed to do some shots of my nieces that day with their softball uniforms on. I really didn't want to. I was tired, it was my birthday, and my husband was taking me out to dinner later that day. We met up at the baseball field, and we did some shots. I took a photo of my sister and her 3 girls just because. I couldn't have known that for the next week, I would look at that image more than 100 times in complete confusion and despair. My sister seemed fine. I would say she was joyful and full of life. She's had some medical issues in such as fibromyalgia, arthritis, and some other things. She has good days and bad days. I love my sisters so very much. They were my first friends. I, being the oldest, was mean to them a lot. I have regrets now for how I treated them. So, we finished up the photo session. I really only needed a few shots of my nieces. It took about 45 minutes or so. It was a nice warm sunny day. I can close my eyes and go back to that day at anytime.
Lets back up a little bit. In January of that year, we lost an uncle that we were very close to. February 10th of the same year, my mother lost her battle with breast cancer. On March 10th, I had my very first mammogram and was notified of a "spot" in my left breast. Me and my sisters felt like we had been through the ringer. It was a rough start to the year.
Fast forward to continue the first paragraph: We finished the shoot and I went home. The next evening was March 19th, the day after my birthday. I believe it was around 5-6:00pm. My sister's ex husband called me. He was very scared and his voice was shaking. He told me that my nieces said when they got home their mom was sleeping just as she had been that morning when they left for school. They said that she wasn't really talking much. My ex-brother in law was telling me that she was unresponsive, her mouth was foamy, and her skin was a weird color. I live 8 miles or so from my sister. I got in my car and drove there immediately. I called my other sister on the way. When I got there, my sister (Desi) was unresponsive. She looked like mom did just before she died. The whites of her eyes were a yellow color, her skin was grey, there was dried saliva at the corners of her mouth and foam between her lips. She moaned in pain when we tried to move her. Her eyes wouldn't stay open. She was trying, but she couldn't keep them open. I began to cry. The sight of her was causing flashback to 5 weeks prior when I watched my mother lose her color, and take her last breath. I called the ambulance. They came and got her.
Danielle and I drove to the hospital and went to the ER to wait. The doctor came out to talk to us. He explained that Desi had the worst case of Pneumonia that he had ever seen. He said that she only had about 10% of her lung capacity that she could use. He explained that she wasn't able to move or respond because her body wasn't getting enough oxygen to function. He said that her pneumonia was fatal. I asked, "what does that mean? She's going to need to be in the hospital?" He grabbed my arm and said, "do you understand FATAL? She's going to die. We can bring in the Chaplin for y'all". I was floored. He was wrong. He had to be. I was just with her 24 hours prior and she was fine. This was ridiculous. Danielle and I were taken to the grievance room. We cried. A counselor came in to talk to us. This didn't make sense. We couldn't lose her. We just lost mom. Where was God??!!?! Why was he leaving us here like this!?!? We called my grandmother to tell her. The doctors had her in there with Desi for about 15 minutes and told us that they were going to give Desi a shot to reverse any pills she had taken (all prescription stuff). Maybe 2 minutes had passed when we heard her. She was screaming. She was not making sense, but it was definitely her voice. She was in excruciating pain, and she was mad. They wouldn't let us go in with her. We convinced them that we could calm her down. They said she didn't have enough lung capacity to support her being this upset. Her being upset and yelling could kill her. They allowed us to go in there with her briefly. I can't remember everything that we said to her, but she was more calm with us in there. We tried to explain things to her. We tried to explain that these doctors were helping her. I remember her saying very clearly "I see Mom". Danielle and I looked at each other. We were very scared that she could see Mom because she was going to join her. We tried to get her to explain but she couldn't. To this day, she doesn't remember saying that. Shortly after, they gave her some medicine to help her relax, and go to sleep.
They explained to us that there was only one option that they had. They were going to put her in a bed that would have her on her stomach and rotate her slowly to help the 10% or her lungs be able to function better. She would rotate from side to side. We watched as they loaded her onto this bed and strapped her down. She was put in a medically induced coma, and put on life support. The nurse's name was Linda (that was our mom's name). The other nurse was Charlie (the name of my mother's brother). Strange coincidence, huh?
I didn't want her to be alone when she died. My sister was dying. My life could have ended with hers and I would have been content with that. I realized during all of this that I loved her. I loved her more than I knew, more than I loved myself. She was in there for a week. I didn't have anyone to talk to. I would talk to her. I would write notes to her in my phone. I guess I was kind of blogging the events to her. I am writing this blog to document the letters/notes that I wrote to her. You need to know that I call her Lou. I have since she was little. Anyway, my sister was dying and I wanted to remember each step. Below are those notes I typed to her on my phone.
March 20, 2013 1:17am - Desi, It's a little after one in the morning. They have your fancy spinning bed working properly with all of the machines you need. I'm scared. The doctor said on a scale of 1-10, your lungs are a 10. Danielle was here but left around 11:30 with Chelsea & Samantha. The nurse just gave you a shot in your tummy about an hour ago. It was a blood thinner to that you don't clot. I keep praying, but the fear of losing you keeps sneaking in. I can see your face through a peep hole in the machine. Your eyes are closed but very swollen. Your tongue and lips are very swollen and your lower lip is split from the swelling. Your mascara is still holding strong. Lou, I'd rather it be me in that bed than you. I love you very much. I'll keep these notes for you to read when you get better. They didn't sound optimistic a few hours ago...even asked me and Danielle if we needed to talk to the chaplain. We freaked out...a lot. But the nurse watching you now said your oxygen is improving. Her name is Dorothy. The head nurse is Jean. They are both really nice. I'll write more later. I love you, Lou.
March 20, 2013 1:42am - Desi, here's how this all began: Phillip called me around 5pm on Tuesday the 19th. He said he came over to your house to get the girls for practice because you weren't answering the phone. He walked in and were on the living room floor unresponsive and that there was white film on your lips. The girls said that you were like that when they left for school that morning. I left my house and went to your house immediately. When I got there for a few minutes. I went in and you were laying on the couch. You would look at me for a second or two if I said your name, but you couldn't speak. We were gonna load you in my car to go to the ER but when Phillip tried to lift you, you yelped in pain and scrunched your face. I called 911. There were so many people there and it made me think about Kaylie. It was too much. I hated seeing you like that. The ambulance took you to the hospital. Danielle and I beat the ambulance here (to the hospital). When you got to the hospital they gave you a shot that reverses narcotics. Because they weren't sure if you had taken you medicine of not and then maybe not eaten. They also did an x-ray of your lungs. The doctor said on a scale of 1-10 (10 being the worst), you were a 10. He showed us the x-ray. You were violent and very irate. They had to retrain you. Danielle and I went in there with you and would talk to us but you wanted us to help you get out of the restraints. You kept saying "expect it". At one point you said you saw mom. That scared us real bad. Anyway, the doctor told us that you were on 100% oxygen but your blood oxygen level was 70. He said healthy people breathe in 21% oxygen from regular air and their blood oxygen level is 95. Ok. That was beyond scary. He said that your lungs weren't able to function well because of all the fluid and possible aspiration. He said that they would have to sedate you and then put you on life support because the life support could push oxygen into your lungs so that your lungs wouldn't have to work so hard. Without life support your chance of survival was bad. They got you on life support and then moved you to ICU to this bed that you kind of rock from side to side...very slowly. I going to try and sleep now. I can see you from the couch I'm sleeping on. I won't leave you. Love you, Lou. Gnite, my sister.
March 20th, 2013 7:42am - Desi, This morning they have brought your oxygen intake to 50% instead of 100%. That's great. That means your lungs are taking in the oxygen...well, your blood is. You are going to be on the life support while you are in this bed. Last night the nurse said "this bed is going to save her life". At this point I think she may be right! They are also pumping your stomach because without food your stomach will produce acid and they can't leave that in there. I rubbed your arm. You don't know that I'm here. It's going to be your birthday tomorrow. I won't leave you. You're gonna have to spend your birthday with me, life support and that bed. You have a new nurse today. Her name is Heather. She doesn't really talk to me. Oh well. They said your blood oxygen level is 96. It was 86 last night. This is good news. I didn't sleep well. I could see you in that bed every time I woke up. There's no TV in this room, so I just watch you. That's probably creepy, huh? My bad. Phillip is coming up here in a bit, so that I can go home, shower and change. I smell bad. :(
March 20th 2013 11:50am - Desi, You are still on life support and still in that rotisserie bed. They just checked your lungs with a stethoscope. He said your lungs sound better. They are improving. They gave you a breathing treatment in your life support machine. A man just came in here from another department to tell me and Phillip that the bed you're in saved his wife's life about 3 years ago. So we are getting more hopeful. Your lips and eyes are even more swollen. I covered your hiney to save you some dignity in front of Phillip. :) Oh Desi, I can't wait to see you breathe on your own. They started you on food...it's liquid...obviously. They are hoping you will improve with some food. I'll write more later.
March 20th 2013 2:58pm - Desi, I sit by your bed a lot. You don't look like yourself. I'm sorry that I can't fix this. Last night in the ER you asked me to help you. You asked me to let you out. I can't help. I fell totally useless and helpless. I cry a lot when I look at you. I love you so muh. I hate seeing you like this. I few weeks ago I told you that I couldn't understand yyou being sick. I understand. I'm so scared. Nothing has changed since the last note I wrote...just feeling alone and wish I could do something to fix your lungs, your arthritis and your pain. I know that I don't want you to be here alone even though you don't know that I'm here. I miss you.
March 20th 2013 4:14pm - Desi, The doctor just came in. He said that they are treating you for all the culprits of infections. Your lung cultures did not come back with a specific type of bacteria to blame. that doesn't sound good to me. Your skin looks good, your color is good, your lungs sound better but they alr4eady told me that earlier. I think there is no change and they don't know what else to say to me. Two doctors have casually mentioned that they will be praying for you. Girl, half the nation is praying for you...seems like. :) Lots of people praying. It scares me that the doctor said they can't pinpoint a bacteria. What does that mean? I wish mom was here with me and you. She would know what questions to ask. I was hopeful earlier, but now doubt is sneaking in. If they can't fine the bacteria causing the infection, then how can they treat it? White blood cell count is lower than it was when you came in so that's good. I brought my computer back with me (when I went home to shower) so that I could work, but I haven't gotten any thing done. I just watch you...spinning in your rotisserie bed. The respiratory doctor came in too. He left your oxygen at 40% which is not much higher that regular air; however, its still having to be pumped in you through life support. That's all I have for now.
March 20th 2013 6:05pm - Desi, The nurse walked out of here very quickly after checking one of your machines. When she came back she brought the respiratory doctor with her. There were talking about your breathing. Apparently your life support makes you breathe 23xs per minute, but you breathed 25 which means your lungs are ignoring the paralytic medicine and they are trying to breathe!! This is good. That means when your lungs heal, they will probably work on their own without life support. Oh God is good. Those little bits of reassurance periodically are wonderful. Those little glimpses of hope keep me from being irrational and panicky. Needless to say, you have to be completely immobile in the fancy bed, so they had to bump up your paralytic medicine. This little glimpse of hope means see ya soon, my sister...well probably in a couple of days.
March 20, 2013 8:58pm - It's just been you and I all afternoon/evening. At 7pm you got new nurses for the night shift. Their names are Tiffany and Heather. They seem nice, but they chat with each other too much. I don't like when the mess with you and don't tell ne what they are doing. Tight after they got here, they turned your bed over so that you could be on your back. They cleaned your face, applied lube to your lips and tongue and then repositioned the pads on your bed. I can see your face better now. They said your skin is not breaking down. They said you have good skin. Now your just chillin' again. There have been no improvements this afternoon. Dad is gonna come up here in the morning and Danielle will be here after work. I don't know how word gets out so fast, but everyone and their dog is calling me to check on ya. Laureen texted me and wanted to come up and see you. I told her it would be pointless since she can't see you. I warned dad that you are not recognizable. I know it's you because I've watched you swell and I can see your nicely manicured toes out of a little space at the bottom of the bed. :)
March 20, 2013 10:54pm - Desi, No new news. You were over breathing the life support again. They had to up your dose of the paralytic medicine. I'm gonna play a game I guess to help me stay awake. Your birthday is in one hour and I'm determined to not fall asleep. Love you.
March 21, 2013 12:04am - Desi, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! I love you so much. I know this is not going to be an exciting birthday for you, but I'm pretty excited that you made it to this one. Still not out of the woods yet. Got a long way to go. No changes. You are still on 40% oxygen with blood oxygen level at 95. Life support has you breathing 24 breaths per minute, and your lungs sound better than they did. I'm gonna watch you until I fall asleep. I'll write you again tomorrow. Get some rest, Lou. It's your birthday! Maybe they can add a birthday cake IV. :)
March 21, 2013 12:32am - Desi, I couldn't help it. I walked over to your bed to tell you happy birthday and that I love you, and I lost it. My knees became week. I had to brace myself on the frame of your bed and I sobbed. This time I couldn't stop sobbing. I know this is not where you want to be on your birthday. I'm sorry that you have to be here. I will have a special birthday dinner for you when you get out. Something healthy. Desi, I want you to be healthy. I'll help. I'll do whatever you need me to. Want me to walk with you everyday? Maybe 3-4 miles a week. I'll be your accountability partner. Desi, we will eat salads, walk until we are skinny, and stop smoking forever. We won't even do it socially. We have to get you healthy. I need you around longer. I need you here with me. Your girls need you to be healthy. I'll help. Oh Desi. Seeing you in that bed with your swollen face hurts my heart. My heart physically aches seeing you like this. I'm going to lay down and watch you for a while. Maybe get some rest...both of us.
March 21, 2013 9:09am - Desi, I've been up for a while. Went to the gift shop to find you a birthday present...found nothing. But the doctor came in. I have awesome news! Your left lung is clearing up according to the x-ray. They are going to leave you on your back for a while to see if your body can tolerate it and for how long. They are giving you a bath right now, because you started your period yesterday. The swelling in your face is going down. It'll get better with you on your back now. Your skin looks good. There are a few blisters from being on your stomach in this bed. The doctor said they may have you out of this bed in the next day or two and try to wean you off of the sedatives and the life support in the next couple of days. Every one seems positive and optimistic. The cardio guy is here right now. He is going to do a sonogram of your heart to make sure there was no damage done to your heart from when your blood oxygen level was low. I've been here 2 days and now I'm thinking I'm a doctor. Ha! Just kidding. Anyway, they are positioning you for the cardio sonogram. so far you've not been on your back this long and your vitals are good. your body isn't freaking out. That's really good. :) The have ice packs on your face to reduce the swelling. So the only people that saw your face like that was me and Phillip. However...I did take a picture if you want to see it.
March 21, 2013 10:20am - Desi, your swelling has decreased significantly. Your face is starting to look like you. I'm going to take a picture for you to see later. I'm not leaving you. I am going to go home for a little while later, make a dish of enchiladas, and then I'll come back. Stephan called up to the hospital looking four you. I talked to him and told him what was going on and told him that he can come up here and visit. Phillip said that one of your girls turned on your cell phone and it was dinging with notifications, so he just turned it off. Oh Desi, you look a hundred times better. Your tongue was so swollen that it was smooth and bleeding, but now I can see your taste buds again. I don't know if I've mentioned before that your tongue hangs out of your mouth all the time. Katlyn texted me to let me know that the other day you told her you wanted to sleep all day for your birthday...be careful what you wish for. :)
March 21, 2013 1:42PM - Desi, Well, it's good to see your face. It's still swollen, but it's somewhat recognizable now. Phillip just left. Dad was here earlier and will be back later today. It's just you and me, kiddo. They are going to lower your paralytic meds later to see if your lungs will function on their own. Your blood oxygen level is good, so your lungs are taking in oxyger and distributing it to your blood. Your body IS working. It IS fighting. Just keep fighting, Lou. I'm not going anywhere. You're going to be ok! I know it! When they lower the paralytic medicine they will know if you can come off of the lofe support. If they take you off the life support then they can reduce the sedatives and see if you wake up. :) Hope that's today...actually I don't know that you'd be able to open your eyes with the swelling. They've had to put ice packs on your face to reduce the swelling. Oh I can't wait to see your eyes and hear your voice. Gonna try to rest a bit. Oh! I almost forgot to tell you that apparently my body felt sorry for you and picked up on the vibe to start our periods together. Lovely. Bleh.
March 21, 2013 2:13pm - I'ts 3:21 on 3/21
March 21, 2013 4:38pm - Deeps and Tiger are your nurses right now. The ICU manager, Oscar came by to chat. He wants you to come back when you are up and around to say hellos to everyone here. :) Right now they are moving you to a regular bed and out of the rotisserie bed!! Huge improvement. So Excited! Oh Desi...they tried to get you moved but your heart rate went through the roof. It was 171. They are trying to get you calmed down right now and then try to move you. I'm not sure what's going on. Heart rate is dropping. Whew! Calm down, Lou. Nice and Easy. No one had touched you to make your heart rate go up, so they are letting you relax right now. You're at 115 now. Don't do that. You scared me. You are now transferred to a regular bed. Danielle just got here.
March 21, 2013 6:21pm - Desy, Thye took you off of the paralytics. You are trying to cough but the breathing tube is still in your throat. You are scaring me. You are opening your eyes and looking at me. You shake your head yes and no, but you are trying to talk and that's not good. They need you to relax. You may get the breathing tube out tomorrow. It scares me when you try to cough. It looks like you are convulsing. I am crying and having a hard time seeing you like this. It hurts to know that you are uncomfortable. I am trying not to freak out. I'm sorry.
March 21, 2013 8:59pm - Stefan came by. He was here for about an hour. The nurse (Tiffany) used the suction in the respirator to clear some loose junk in your lungs. When she did that you started coughing. Your coughs don't make noise. It just looks like you're gagging on the breathing tube. You looked at me. I asked if you could see me. You shook your head yes. I asked if you were scared and you nodded again. I explained why you had a tube in your mouth and you quit using your tongue to mess with it. The nurse said you won't remember any of that. I hope not...especially is you are scared. I wish you were not scared. They are taking really good care of you. They are all very nice. Your swelling hos gone down a lot. It's hard for you to open your eyelids because they are very swollen. They gave you more antibiotics and more of the sedative so that you could be more comfortable. Apparently the breathing tube is very uncomfortable and even people who are sedated try to pull it out, so they put your wrists in restraints. Stefan said you had a court appointment tomorrow, so I'm gonna call Phillip and see if he can find that information so that someone can call and let the court know that you can't make it...something about the Wallace house. Anyway, I'll write more later.
March 21, 2013 11:24pm - Desi, You are still coughing (silently) periodically. It's not as scary now. I think they have you on a better sedative. It's now as hard to calm you down when you cough. The nurse tells you that you have a breathing tube and you nod, so that's good. You don't kick around as much when you do wake up. It's usually on about 5-10 seconds that you're awake, and maybe once an hour at most. I'm gonna try to sleep. Tomorrow they are going to do a trial run without the life support. They will turn the sedative really low and then turn the life support off. If you breathe well for a little bit then they will remove the tube from your throat and lungs. If you are not breathing well or if your breathing is erratic then they will bump up the sedative and leave the life support tube. No bueno. So I say you need to get some rest and let's do this tomorrow. Tomorrow I just know you're gonna breathe on your own, you're a fighter. I can't wait to see ya tomorrow. I know that the coughing is uncomfortable and you get scared, but I enjoyed seeing your eyes earlier. They look...different...tired, grey, but I enjoyed seeing them. Well, only 36 more minutes left of your birthday. Happy birthday, Lou. It was a good day. Progress was made.
March 22, 2013 5:05am - Desi, They just emptied your stomach to see if you are absorbing the liquid food. And then they put it back in. X-ray tech came in with her big ole machine and took some x-rays of your chest. You didn't try to cough very much. Just a little. The nurse asked if you were in pain. YOu nodded, so she bumped up your pain medicine. Your swelling has gone down a lot. From this angle you look like Danielle...it's weird. Yesterday when you were still really swollen, Danielle said you looked like me, so I guess we all look the same just depends on how swollen our faces are. :)
March 22, 2013 8:51am - Desi, You woke up a few minutes ago. I was able to talk to you and see your eyes. They are bluer today. I literally see life in them again. I can see you. The swelling is down in your face enough that you look like yourself. You were awake for a couple of minutes. I explained what I could and so did the nurse. You nodded and seemed to understand. You were wiggling your eyebrows, so I though maybe something was wrong but I asked you if you were just moving them and you nodded. :) I would assume all of the paralytics are out of your system now and that you have complete control of your muscles and stuff. You are not over breathing the ventilator. You are just letting it breathe for you. Sounds don't wake you up, but the slightest touch does wake you. :)
Okay, the doctor just left and he said that you can come off of the ventilator at 9:00!! I am so excited. You just had another coughing fit. This one was tougher for you because they have reduced the sedatives a little, so the coughs seem scarier to you (and me). Hang in there a few more minutes and this life support is outta here (using my best umpire voice). This may be the last note to you since you will be awake more and off of life support. You know more of what's going on. I love you so much!! I am going to be a better sister to you. I promise. First thing...I'm smashing your smokes. :)
These were the notes I had typed to her while she was in the hospital. I just don't want to lose my phone and never be able to remember these, or show them to Desi. She has since read them. I will upload pics to this blog at a later time.
Lets back up a little bit. In January of that year, we lost an uncle that we were very close to. February 10th of the same year, my mother lost her battle with breast cancer. On March 10th, I had my very first mammogram and was notified of a "spot" in my left breast. Me and my sisters felt like we had been through the ringer. It was a rough start to the year.
Fast forward to continue the first paragraph: We finished the shoot and I went home. The next evening was March 19th, the day after my birthday. I believe it was around 5-6:00pm. My sister's ex husband called me. He was very scared and his voice was shaking. He told me that my nieces said when they got home their mom was sleeping just as she had been that morning when they left for school. They said that she wasn't really talking much. My ex-brother in law was telling me that she was unresponsive, her mouth was foamy, and her skin was a weird color. I live 8 miles or so from my sister. I got in my car and drove there immediately. I called my other sister on the way. When I got there, my sister (Desi) was unresponsive. She looked like mom did just before she died. The whites of her eyes were a yellow color, her skin was grey, there was dried saliva at the corners of her mouth and foam between her lips. She moaned in pain when we tried to move her. Her eyes wouldn't stay open. She was trying, but she couldn't keep them open. I began to cry. The sight of her was causing flashback to 5 weeks prior when I watched my mother lose her color, and take her last breath. I called the ambulance. They came and got her.
Danielle and I drove to the hospital and went to the ER to wait. The doctor came out to talk to us. He explained that Desi had the worst case of Pneumonia that he had ever seen. He said that she only had about 10% of her lung capacity that she could use. He explained that she wasn't able to move or respond because her body wasn't getting enough oxygen to function. He said that her pneumonia was fatal. I asked, "what does that mean? She's going to need to be in the hospital?" He grabbed my arm and said, "do you understand FATAL? She's going to die. We can bring in the Chaplin for y'all". I was floored. He was wrong. He had to be. I was just with her 24 hours prior and she was fine. This was ridiculous. Danielle and I were taken to the grievance room. We cried. A counselor came in to talk to us. This didn't make sense. We couldn't lose her. We just lost mom. Where was God??!!?! Why was he leaving us here like this!?!? We called my grandmother to tell her. The doctors had her in there with Desi for about 15 minutes and told us that they were going to give Desi a shot to reverse any pills she had taken (all prescription stuff). Maybe 2 minutes had passed when we heard her. She was screaming. She was not making sense, but it was definitely her voice. She was in excruciating pain, and she was mad. They wouldn't let us go in with her. We convinced them that we could calm her down. They said she didn't have enough lung capacity to support her being this upset. Her being upset and yelling could kill her. They allowed us to go in there with her briefly. I can't remember everything that we said to her, but she was more calm with us in there. We tried to explain things to her. We tried to explain that these doctors were helping her. I remember her saying very clearly "I see Mom". Danielle and I looked at each other. We were very scared that she could see Mom because she was going to join her. We tried to get her to explain but she couldn't. To this day, she doesn't remember saying that. Shortly after, they gave her some medicine to help her relax, and go to sleep.
They explained to us that there was only one option that they had. They were going to put her in a bed that would have her on her stomach and rotate her slowly to help the 10% or her lungs be able to function better. She would rotate from side to side. We watched as they loaded her onto this bed and strapped her down. She was put in a medically induced coma, and put on life support. The nurse's name was Linda (that was our mom's name). The other nurse was Charlie (the name of my mother's brother). Strange coincidence, huh?
I didn't want her to be alone when she died. My sister was dying. My life could have ended with hers and I would have been content with that. I realized during all of this that I loved her. I loved her more than I knew, more than I loved myself. She was in there for a week. I didn't have anyone to talk to. I would talk to her. I would write notes to her in my phone. I guess I was kind of blogging the events to her. I am writing this blog to document the letters/notes that I wrote to her. You need to know that I call her Lou. I have since she was little. Anyway, my sister was dying and I wanted to remember each step. Below are those notes I typed to her on my phone.
March 20, 2013 1:17am - Desi, It's a little after one in the morning. They have your fancy spinning bed working properly with all of the machines you need. I'm scared. The doctor said on a scale of 1-10, your lungs are a 10. Danielle was here but left around 11:30 with Chelsea & Samantha. The nurse just gave you a shot in your tummy about an hour ago. It was a blood thinner to that you don't clot. I keep praying, but the fear of losing you keeps sneaking in. I can see your face through a peep hole in the machine. Your eyes are closed but very swollen. Your tongue and lips are very swollen and your lower lip is split from the swelling. Your mascara is still holding strong. Lou, I'd rather it be me in that bed than you. I love you very much. I'll keep these notes for you to read when you get better. They didn't sound optimistic a few hours ago...even asked me and Danielle if we needed to talk to the chaplain. We freaked out...a lot. But the nurse watching you now said your oxygen is improving. Her name is Dorothy. The head nurse is Jean. They are both really nice. I'll write more later. I love you, Lou.
March 20, 2013 1:42am - Desi, here's how this all began: Phillip called me around 5pm on Tuesday the 19th. He said he came over to your house to get the girls for practice because you weren't answering the phone. He walked in and were on the living room floor unresponsive and that there was white film on your lips. The girls said that you were like that when they left for school that morning. I left my house and went to your house immediately. When I got there for a few minutes. I went in and you were laying on the couch. You would look at me for a second or two if I said your name, but you couldn't speak. We were gonna load you in my car to go to the ER but when Phillip tried to lift you, you yelped in pain and scrunched your face. I called 911. There were so many people there and it made me think about Kaylie. It was too much. I hated seeing you like that. The ambulance took you to the hospital. Danielle and I beat the ambulance here (to the hospital). When you got to the hospital they gave you a shot that reverses narcotics. Because they weren't sure if you had taken you medicine of not and then maybe not eaten. They also did an x-ray of your lungs. The doctor said on a scale of 1-10 (10 being the worst), you were a 10. He showed us the x-ray. You were violent and very irate. They had to retrain you. Danielle and I went in there with you and would talk to us but you wanted us to help you get out of the restraints. You kept saying "expect it". At one point you said you saw mom. That scared us real bad. Anyway, the doctor told us that you were on 100% oxygen but your blood oxygen level was 70. He said healthy people breathe in 21% oxygen from regular air and their blood oxygen level is 95. Ok. That was beyond scary. He said that your lungs weren't able to function well because of all the fluid and possible aspiration. He said that they would have to sedate you and then put you on life support because the life support could push oxygen into your lungs so that your lungs wouldn't have to work so hard. Without life support your chance of survival was bad. They got you on life support and then moved you to ICU to this bed that you kind of rock from side to side...very slowly. I going to try and sleep now. I can see you from the couch I'm sleeping on. I won't leave you. Love you, Lou. Gnite, my sister.
March 20th, 2013 7:42am - Desi, This morning they have brought your oxygen intake to 50% instead of 100%. That's great. That means your lungs are taking in the oxygen...well, your blood is. You are going to be on the life support while you are in this bed. Last night the nurse said "this bed is going to save her life". At this point I think she may be right! They are also pumping your stomach because without food your stomach will produce acid and they can't leave that in there. I rubbed your arm. You don't know that I'm here. It's going to be your birthday tomorrow. I won't leave you. You're gonna have to spend your birthday with me, life support and that bed. You have a new nurse today. Her name is Heather. She doesn't really talk to me. Oh well. They said your blood oxygen level is 96. It was 86 last night. This is good news. I didn't sleep well. I could see you in that bed every time I woke up. There's no TV in this room, so I just watch you. That's probably creepy, huh? My bad. Phillip is coming up here in a bit, so that I can go home, shower and change. I smell bad. :(
March 20th 2013 11:50am - Desi, You are still on life support and still in that rotisserie bed. They just checked your lungs with a stethoscope. He said your lungs sound better. They are improving. They gave you a breathing treatment in your life support machine. A man just came in here from another department to tell me and Phillip that the bed you're in saved his wife's life about 3 years ago. So we are getting more hopeful. Your lips and eyes are even more swollen. I covered your hiney to save you some dignity in front of Phillip. :) Oh Desi, I can't wait to see you breathe on your own. They started you on food...it's liquid...obviously. They are hoping you will improve with some food. I'll write more later.
March 20th 2013 2:58pm - Desi, I sit by your bed a lot. You don't look like yourself. I'm sorry that I can't fix this. Last night in the ER you asked me to help you. You asked me to let you out. I can't help. I fell totally useless and helpless. I cry a lot when I look at you. I love you so muh. I hate seeing you like this. I few weeks ago I told you that I couldn't understand yyou being sick. I understand. I'm so scared. Nothing has changed since the last note I wrote...just feeling alone and wish I could do something to fix your lungs, your arthritis and your pain. I know that I don't want you to be here alone even though you don't know that I'm here. I miss you.
March 20th 2013 4:14pm - Desi, The doctor just came in. He said that they are treating you for all the culprits of infections. Your lung cultures did not come back with a specific type of bacteria to blame. that doesn't sound good to me. Your skin looks good, your color is good, your lungs sound better but they alr4eady told me that earlier. I think there is no change and they don't know what else to say to me. Two doctors have casually mentioned that they will be praying for you. Girl, half the nation is praying for you...seems like. :) Lots of people praying. It scares me that the doctor said they can't pinpoint a bacteria. What does that mean? I wish mom was here with me and you. She would know what questions to ask. I was hopeful earlier, but now doubt is sneaking in. If they can't fine the bacteria causing the infection, then how can they treat it? White blood cell count is lower than it was when you came in so that's good. I brought my computer back with me (when I went home to shower) so that I could work, but I haven't gotten any thing done. I just watch you...spinning in your rotisserie bed. The respiratory doctor came in too. He left your oxygen at 40% which is not much higher that regular air; however, its still having to be pumped in you through life support. That's all I have for now.
March 20th 2013 6:05pm - Desi, The nurse walked out of here very quickly after checking one of your machines. When she came back she brought the respiratory doctor with her. There were talking about your breathing. Apparently your life support makes you breathe 23xs per minute, but you breathed 25 which means your lungs are ignoring the paralytic medicine and they are trying to breathe!! This is good. That means when your lungs heal, they will probably work on their own without life support. Oh God is good. Those little bits of reassurance periodically are wonderful. Those little glimpses of hope keep me from being irrational and panicky. Needless to say, you have to be completely immobile in the fancy bed, so they had to bump up your paralytic medicine. This little glimpse of hope means see ya soon, my sister...well probably in a couple of days.
March 20, 2013 8:58pm - It's just been you and I all afternoon/evening. At 7pm you got new nurses for the night shift. Their names are Tiffany and Heather. They seem nice, but they chat with each other too much. I don't like when the mess with you and don't tell ne what they are doing. Tight after they got here, they turned your bed over so that you could be on your back. They cleaned your face, applied lube to your lips and tongue and then repositioned the pads on your bed. I can see your face better now. They said your skin is not breaking down. They said you have good skin. Now your just chillin' again. There have been no improvements this afternoon. Dad is gonna come up here in the morning and Danielle will be here after work. I don't know how word gets out so fast, but everyone and their dog is calling me to check on ya. Laureen texted me and wanted to come up and see you. I told her it would be pointless since she can't see you. I warned dad that you are not recognizable. I know it's you because I've watched you swell and I can see your nicely manicured toes out of a little space at the bottom of the bed. :)
March 20, 2013 10:54pm - Desi, No new news. You were over breathing the life support again. They had to up your dose of the paralytic medicine. I'm gonna play a game I guess to help me stay awake. Your birthday is in one hour and I'm determined to not fall asleep. Love you.
March 21, 2013 12:04am - Desi, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! I love you so much. I know this is not going to be an exciting birthday for you, but I'm pretty excited that you made it to this one. Still not out of the woods yet. Got a long way to go. No changes. You are still on 40% oxygen with blood oxygen level at 95. Life support has you breathing 24 breaths per minute, and your lungs sound better than they did. I'm gonna watch you until I fall asleep. I'll write you again tomorrow. Get some rest, Lou. It's your birthday! Maybe they can add a birthday cake IV. :)
March 21, 2013 12:32am - Desi, I couldn't help it. I walked over to your bed to tell you happy birthday and that I love you, and I lost it. My knees became week. I had to brace myself on the frame of your bed and I sobbed. This time I couldn't stop sobbing. I know this is not where you want to be on your birthday. I'm sorry that you have to be here. I will have a special birthday dinner for you when you get out. Something healthy. Desi, I want you to be healthy. I'll help. I'll do whatever you need me to. Want me to walk with you everyday? Maybe 3-4 miles a week. I'll be your accountability partner. Desi, we will eat salads, walk until we are skinny, and stop smoking forever. We won't even do it socially. We have to get you healthy. I need you around longer. I need you here with me. Your girls need you to be healthy. I'll help. Oh Desi. Seeing you in that bed with your swollen face hurts my heart. My heart physically aches seeing you like this. I'm going to lay down and watch you for a while. Maybe get some rest...both of us.
March 21, 2013 9:09am - Desi, I've been up for a while. Went to the gift shop to find you a birthday present...found nothing. But the doctor came in. I have awesome news! Your left lung is clearing up according to the x-ray. They are going to leave you on your back for a while to see if your body can tolerate it and for how long. They are giving you a bath right now, because you started your period yesterday. The swelling in your face is going down. It'll get better with you on your back now. Your skin looks good. There are a few blisters from being on your stomach in this bed. The doctor said they may have you out of this bed in the next day or two and try to wean you off of the sedatives and the life support in the next couple of days. Every one seems positive and optimistic. The cardio guy is here right now. He is going to do a sonogram of your heart to make sure there was no damage done to your heart from when your blood oxygen level was low. I've been here 2 days and now I'm thinking I'm a doctor. Ha! Just kidding. Anyway, they are positioning you for the cardio sonogram. so far you've not been on your back this long and your vitals are good. your body isn't freaking out. That's really good. :) The have ice packs on your face to reduce the swelling. So the only people that saw your face like that was me and Phillip. However...I did take a picture if you want to see it.
March 21, 2013 10:20am - Desi, your swelling has decreased significantly. Your face is starting to look like you. I'm going to take a picture for you to see later. I'm not leaving you. I am going to go home for a little while later, make a dish of enchiladas, and then I'll come back. Stephan called up to the hospital looking four you. I talked to him and told him what was going on and told him that he can come up here and visit. Phillip said that one of your girls turned on your cell phone and it was dinging with notifications, so he just turned it off. Oh Desi, you look a hundred times better. Your tongue was so swollen that it was smooth and bleeding, but now I can see your taste buds again. I don't know if I've mentioned before that your tongue hangs out of your mouth all the time. Katlyn texted me to let me know that the other day you told her you wanted to sleep all day for your birthday...be careful what you wish for. :)
March 21, 2013 1:42PM - Desi, Well, it's good to see your face. It's still swollen, but it's somewhat recognizable now. Phillip just left. Dad was here earlier and will be back later today. It's just you and me, kiddo. They are going to lower your paralytic meds later to see if your lungs will function on their own. Your blood oxygen level is good, so your lungs are taking in oxyger and distributing it to your blood. Your body IS working. It IS fighting. Just keep fighting, Lou. I'm not going anywhere. You're going to be ok! I know it! When they lower the paralytic medicine they will know if you can come off of the lofe support. If they take you off the life support then they can reduce the sedatives and see if you wake up. :) Hope that's today...actually I don't know that you'd be able to open your eyes with the swelling. They've had to put ice packs on your face to reduce the swelling. Oh I can't wait to see your eyes and hear your voice. Gonna try to rest a bit. Oh! I almost forgot to tell you that apparently my body felt sorry for you and picked up on the vibe to start our periods together. Lovely. Bleh.
March 21, 2013 2:13pm - I'ts 3:21 on 3/21
March 21, 2013 4:38pm - Deeps and Tiger are your nurses right now. The ICU manager, Oscar came by to chat. He wants you to come back when you are up and around to say hellos to everyone here. :) Right now they are moving you to a regular bed and out of the rotisserie bed!! Huge improvement. So Excited! Oh Desi...they tried to get you moved but your heart rate went through the roof. It was 171. They are trying to get you calmed down right now and then try to move you. I'm not sure what's going on. Heart rate is dropping. Whew! Calm down, Lou. Nice and Easy. No one had touched you to make your heart rate go up, so they are letting you relax right now. You're at 115 now. Don't do that. You scared me. You are now transferred to a regular bed. Danielle just got here.
March 21, 2013 6:21pm - Desy, Thye took you off of the paralytics. You are trying to cough but the breathing tube is still in your throat. You are scaring me. You are opening your eyes and looking at me. You shake your head yes and no, but you are trying to talk and that's not good. They need you to relax. You may get the breathing tube out tomorrow. It scares me when you try to cough. It looks like you are convulsing. I am crying and having a hard time seeing you like this. It hurts to know that you are uncomfortable. I am trying not to freak out. I'm sorry.
March 21, 2013 8:59pm - Stefan came by. He was here for about an hour. The nurse (Tiffany) used the suction in the respirator to clear some loose junk in your lungs. When she did that you started coughing. Your coughs don't make noise. It just looks like you're gagging on the breathing tube. You looked at me. I asked if you could see me. You shook your head yes. I asked if you were scared and you nodded again. I explained why you had a tube in your mouth and you quit using your tongue to mess with it. The nurse said you won't remember any of that. I hope not...especially is you are scared. I wish you were not scared. They are taking really good care of you. They are all very nice. Your swelling hos gone down a lot. It's hard for you to open your eyelids because they are very swollen. They gave you more antibiotics and more of the sedative so that you could be more comfortable. Apparently the breathing tube is very uncomfortable and even people who are sedated try to pull it out, so they put your wrists in restraints. Stefan said you had a court appointment tomorrow, so I'm gonna call Phillip and see if he can find that information so that someone can call and let the court know that you can't make it...something about the Wallace house. Anyway, I'll write more later.
March 21, 2013 11:24pm - Desi, You are still coughing (silently) periodically. It's not as scary now. I think they have you on a better sedative. It's now as hard to calm you down when you cough. The nurse tells you that you have a breathing tube and you nod, so that's good. You don't kick around as much when you do wake up. It's usually on about 5-10 seconds that you're awake, and maybe once an hour at most. I'm gonna try to sleep. Tomorrow they are going to do a trial run without the life support. They will turn the sedative really low and then turn the life support off. If you breathe well for a little bit then they will remove the tube from your throat and lungs. If you are not breathing well or if your breathing is erratic then they will bump up the sedative and leave the life support tube. No bueno. So I say you need to get some rest and let's do this tomorrow. Tomorrow I just know you're gonna breathe on your own, you're a fighter. I can't wait to see ya tomorrow. I know that the coughing is uncomfortable and you get scared, but I enjoyed seeing your eyes earlier. They look...different...tired, grey, but I enjoyed seeing them. Well, only 36 more minutes left of your birthday. Happy birthday, Lou. It was a good day. Progress was made.
March 22, 2013 5:05am - Desi, They just emptied your stomach to see if you are absorbing the liquid food. And then they put it back in. X-ray tech came in with her big ole machine and took some x-rays of your chest. You didn't try to cough very much. Just a little. The nurse asked if you were in pain. YOu nodded, so she bumped up your pain medicine. Your swelling has gone down a lot. From this angle you look like Danielle...it's weird. Yesterday when you were still really swollen, Danielle said you looked like me, so I guess we all look the same just depends on how swollen our faces are. :)
March 22, 2013 8:51am - Desi, You woke up a few minutes ago. I was able to talk to you and see your eyes. They are bluer today. I literally see life in them again. I can see you. The swelling is down in your face enough that you look like yourself. You were awake for a couple of minutes. I explained what I could and so did the nurse. You nodded and seemed to understand. You were wiggling your eyebrows, so I though maybe something was wrong but I asked you if you were just moving them and you nodded. :) I would assume all of the paralytics are out of your system now and that you have complete control of your muscles and stuff. You are not over breathing the ventilator. You are just letting it breathe for you. Sounds don't wake you up, but the slightest touch does wake you. :)
Okay, the doctor just left and he said that you can come off of the ventilator at 9:00!! I am so excited. You just had another coughing fit. This one was tougher for you because they have reduced the sedatives a little, so the coughs seem scarier to you (and me). Hang in there a few more minutes and this life support is outta here (using my best umpire voice). This may be the last note to you since you will be awake more and off of life support. You know more of what's going on. I love you so much!! I am going to be a better sister to you. I promise. First thing...I'm smashing your smokes. :)
These were the notes I had typed to her while she was in the hospital. I just don't want to lose my phone and never be able to remember these, or show them to Desi. She has since read them. I will upload pics to this blog at a later time.
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Chose happiness.
What a whirlwind of events. The last week of my life could be categorized in the top 5 worst weeks of my life.
Monday: We sat in court waiting for our turn to have our divorce papers signed. I told Ricky during this time that this was it. This was his last chance to reconsider the divorce. I'm not sure why I said that. I knew he wasn't going to change his mind. I wept a little. The hardest part was watching him hand over the divorce papers to the court clerk to file. Thus ending the marriage.
Tuesday: some things went down at work that I was not expecting. I made a bad judgment call. As a manger, I thought I was doing the right thing. I was wrong. It did get resolved, but it was just a very hard day.
Wednesday: Well, I had a photography session with a baby who was not in the mood for it. We ended up rescheduling. I went out to my car to discover that my battery had shorted. Lovely. I got a ride home. Got a friend to put a battery in my car. Ricky was in a foul mood and was very upset with who put the battery in my car and proceeded to let me hear his opinion of me until 1am in the morning. I will spare you the details of that conversation. It was ugly. He did ask for my engagement ring back.
Thursday: I woke up at 5am and immediately burst into tears. I sat in the bath tub for 4 hours. I sat there until the water was cold. I felt worthless, empty, and dark. I was okay with just dying right there in the tub...not suicidal, just giving up hope on life. I couldn't understand my emotions. I sat there staring at the scars on my arm, at a past that I thought I had overcome. It doesn't work like that. We carry our past with us to remind us where we came from. I wont get into the details on how I felt, but I can tell you that depression can rear it's ugly head and strike at any moment. It's not a choice. It's a place. It's a deep dark hole in which no one can hear your screams. After 4 hours I suddenly realized that darkness is not of God. I started praying out loud. Bawling and praying. I prayed and prayed. I was texting with a very important person in my life which did help. I finally got out of that bathtub, went to the mirror only to find that I did not recognize the person in the mirror. It was as if I had never seen my face before. It was empty, sad, and it wasn't my face. I sat in my room talking to the picture of my mother. I got up off that floor, got dressed and went to work. I was quiet at work. I hadn't known sadness/depression like that since I was 13-14 (which is by far the worst year most girls have to go through). I tried to stay focused and busy at work. I realized that depression can be taken away only by God. I have always thought of people who experience depression as emotionally diseased. I thought it was a little thing that you carry in your pocket always. I had never really experienced any sort of depression or state of severe sadness like that as an adult. I was honestly scared. But after praying, reading some scripture, and just talking to a couple people. I was able to figure out that it can be a temporary state of extreme sadness. God can lead you out of it IF you let Him. You have to be willing to let go of every emotion, empty yourself and let Him hold you. It was a scary place to be, but I was able to get a whole new view on depression. I can understand on a much smaller level what some of my friends have gone through or are going through with depression. It gave me a understanding of what happens when people hit "rock bottom".
Friday: I went to dinner with 2 girlfriends. I went after that to a bar to meet up with a different girlfriend. I'm a real party animal -- I drank Diet Coke. I thought about visiting my sisters in Granger and maybe going to the little bar next to their house where I have several friends that visit there. I decided to go home to bed instead.
Saturday: I got some chores done around the house, and I managed to blew up the living room TV. Later that evening, a girlfriend and I went to a movie and went out for drinks. She was driving, so I had two beers, and then Diet Coke for the rest of the evening. It was good to get out of the house. It was nice to visit with my girlfriend about nothing in particular. When I got home, I was scrolling through Facebook only to see in my newsfeed...pictures of Ricky with a girl. In one of the pictures she was sitting on his lap. Nice - 4 days after our divorce. That stung. The girl was the ex-wife of the man I had an affair with. The only thing I can hope is that our kids don't see those pictures. Our kids think there is a chance of us dating and reconciling our relationship. I can assure you, that is no longer a possibility. Those pictures were posted for one reason. To hurt people. It worked.
Sunday: I went to Sunday school and over shared, as I most often do when I speak. Later that day, I gave Ricky a final goodbye letter. I can't continue to be friends with him. We are not in a position to do that if he is going to continue to intentionally hurt me, and be ugly. I am FULLY aware of the poor decision that I made. Throwing it in my face every time you drink liquid courage is not necessary. I gave him the letter in an envelope with the engagement ring that he wanted back. We talked for a while. He moved a TV for me since I blew up the one in the living room. He took the letter and ring with him. He did not read it in front of me. It basically said that We can't be friends with the constant intentional hurt that he kept doing. It also said that I made a commitment to the kids (his and mine) to be their parent. I explained that I no longer wanted him to call or text me unless it had something to do with the kids. I told him I would no longer answer texts or phone calls from him that were not about the kids. This was also my way of closure. It was my stand to make a decision and move forward.
Yesterday: The anniversary of my mother's death. I probably don't need to elaborate on my emotions from yesterday. I had my sisters over for pizza. We talked for a couple hours and they left.
I have no idea what my future holds. No one does. We are given one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. That's it. That's all we got...the moment we are in right now. God does not promise us next month, next week, or even tomorrow. We are not guaranteed tonight. You have only the moment you are in right now. Be the you that can inspire others. Be the candle in a dark room. Be nice. Love one another. Choose this moment. Choose happiness.
Matthew 6:34
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
John 13:34
My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.
Special note to readers:
I pretty much blog anything. This is not a gossip column. It's my life in a blog. If you don't like it or you are shocked by my lack of a filter...then I encourage you to not read my blogs. I will probably continue to shock you and talk about things that some people think should not be told. These blogs are my life struggles, and my life highlights. I will tell them all. I'm convinced that God made me like this. At 9 months old I started talking and haven't stopped yet. :)
Monday: We sat in court waiting for our turn to have our divorce papers signed. I told Ricky during this time that this was it. This was his last chance to reconsider the divorce. I'm not sure why I said that. I knew he wasn't going to change his mind. I wept a little. The hardest part was watching him hand over the divorce papers to the court clerk to file. Thus ending the marriage.
Tuesday: some things went down at work that I was not expecting. I made a bad judgment call. As a manger, I thought I was doing the right thing. I was wrong. It did get resolved, but it was just a very hard day.
Wednesday: Well, I had a photography session with a baby who was not in the mood for it. We ended up rescheduling. I went out to my car to discover that my battery had shorted. Lovely. I got a ride home. Got a friend to put a battery in my car. Ricky was in a foul mood and was very upset with who put the battery in my car and proceeded to let me hear his opinion of me until 1am in the morning. I will spare you the details of that conversation. It was ugly. He did ask for my engagement ring back.
Thursday: I woke up at 5am and immediately burst into tears. I sat in the bath tub for 4 hours. I sat there until the water was cold. I felt worthless, empty, and dark. I was okay with just dying right there in the tub...not suicidal, just giving up hope on life. I couldn't understand my emotions. I sat there staring at the scars on my arm, at a past that I thought I had overcome. It doesn't work like that. We carry our past with us to remind us where we came from. I wont get into the details on how I felt, but I can tell you that depression can rear it's ugly head and strike at any moment. It's not a choice. It's a place. It's a deep dark hole in which no one can hear your screams. After 4 hours I suddenly realized that darkness is not of God. I started praying out loud. Bawling and praying. I prayed and prayed. I was texting with a very important person in my life which did help. I finally got out of that bathtub, went to the mirror only to find that I did not recognize the person in the mirror. It was as if I had never seen my face before. It was empty, sad, and it wasn't my face. I sat in my room talking to the picture of my mother. I got up off that floor, got dressed and went to work. I was quiet at work. I hadn't known sadness/depression like that since I was 13-14 (which is by far the worst year most girls have to go through). I tried to stay focused and busy at work. I realized that depression can be taken away only by God. I have always thought of people who experience depression as emotionally diseased. I thought it was a little thing that you carry in your pocket always. I had never really experienced any sort of depression or state of severe sadness like that as an adult. I was honestly scared. But after praying, reading some scripture, and just talking to a couple people. I was able to figure out that it can be a temporary state of extreme sadness. God can lead you out of it IF you let Him. You have to be willing to let go of every emotion, empty yourself and let Him hold you. It was a scary place to be, but I was able to get a whole new view on depression. I can understand on a much smaller level what some of my friends have gone through or are going through with depression. It gave me a understanding of what happens when people hit "rock bottom".
Friday: I went to dinner with 2 girlfriends. I went after that to a bar to meet up with a different girlfriend. I'm a real party animal -- I drank Diet Coke. I thought about visiting my sisters in Granger and maybe going to the little bar next to their house where I have several friends that visit there. I decided to go home to bed instead.
Saturday: I got some chores done around the house, and I managed to blew up the living room TV. Later that evening, a girlfriend and I went to a movie and went out for drinks. She was driving, so I had two beers, and then Diet Coke for the rest of the evening. It was good to get out of the house. It was nice to visit with my girlfriend about nothing in particular. When I got home, I was scrolling through Facebook only to see in my newsfeed...pictures of Ricky with a girl. In one of the pictures she was sitting on his lap. Nice - 4 days after our divorce. That stung. The girl was the ex-wife of the man I had an affair with. The only thing I can hope is that our kids don't see those pictures. Our kids think there is a chance of us dating and reconciling our relationship. I can assure you, that is no longer a possibility. Those pictures were posted for one reason. To hurt people. It worked.
Sunday: I went to Sunday school and over shared, as I most often do when I speak. Later that day, I gave Ricky a final goodbye letter. I can't continue to be friends with him. We are not in a position to do that if he is going to continue to intentionally hurt me, and be ugly. I am FULLY aware of the poor decision that I made. Throwing it in my face every time you drink liquid courage is not necessary. I gave him the letter in an envelope with the engagement ring that he wanted back. We talked for a while. He moved a TV for me since I blew up the one in the living room. He took the letter and ring with him. He did not read it in front of me. It basically said that We can't be friends with the constant intentional hurt that he kept doing. It also said that I made a commitment to the kids (his and mine) to be their parent. I explained that I no longer wanted him to call or text me unless it had something to do with the kids. I told him I would no longer answer texts or phone calls from him that were not about the kids. This was also my way of closure. It was my stand to make a decision and move forward.
Yesterday: The anniversary of my mother's death. I probably don't need to elaborate on my emotions from yesterday. I had my sisters over for pizza. We talked for a couple hours and they left.
I have no idea what my future holds. No one does. We are given one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. That's it. That's all we got...the moment we are in right now. God does not promise us next month, next week, or even tomorrow. We are not guaranteed tonight. You have only the moment you are in right now. Be the you that can inspire others. Be the candle in a dark room. Be nice. Love one another. Choose this moment. Choose happiness.
Matthew 6:34
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
John 13:34
My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.
Special note to readers:
I pretty much blog anything. This is not a gossip column. It's my life in a blog. If you don't like it or you are shocked by my lack of a filter...then I encourage you to not read my blogs. I will probably continue to shock you and talk about things that some people think should not be told. These blogs are my life struggles, and my life highlights. I will tell them all. I'm convinced that God made me like this. At 9 months old I started talking and haven't stopped yet. :)
Monday, January 19, 2015
Alone.
I dont deny messing up. I dont deny that I made a mistake.
I wasn't worth working it out. That hurts so deeply that there are no words to describe it. I'm not saying that I don't understand why he left me. I do. I didn't want the divorce. I didn't want to sign the affidavit. Took me two trips to the courthouse to have enough courage to do it. Oh how I loved him...still do. That doesn't just stop.
Today is my first day home without him, without his stuff here. Walking in the house wasn't hard. I lost it when I walked into our room and his closet was open...and empty. When I was able to stop crying, I went to the bathroom to go potty only to notice that my toothbrush was the only one in the holder. I lost it again. I started to leave our bedroom and sat near the door to weep. When I thought I was going to be able to compose myself, I looked around our room. Hanging above our bed is our wedding picture. It's the most beautiful picture I've ever seen. I remember that very moment that the photographer snapped that picture. It was the first time we had gotten to really speak to each other since the ceremony. We were out on a ledge, on a beautiful balcony. He was standing directly behind me. I looked over my shoulder and said "now, I'm your wife". A tear ran down his cheek. The picture was taken when I reached to his face to wipe the tear from his cheek.
I'm still sitting in the floor by our bedroom door typing this. I'm gross. I've cried and cried typing this. I've wiped snot and tears on the sleeve of my blazer. I deserve this. I deserve to hurt. I deserve to be alone. Alone. I've never lived alone. Ever. I've always had children or been married. I can't sit here in the house alone.
I should have been a better wife. I could have worked less. I could have quit one of my jobs. I could have done more house work. I could have mowed the yard. I could have taken my son to practice more. I could have not had an affair. I could have done so many things differently. I could have been a better wife. I could have relied on him less to do things. I could have done it all better. I'm not a good wife. Aside from loving him, I guess I didn't do any of it right. I didn't know I wasn't a good wife. I definitely deserve this. It hurts really bad. It hurts so so so much. I knew this day would. I knew I would be crushed the day he actually moved out. I think in a way maybe I thought he wouldn't do it. Maybe somewhere deep inside I thought I was worth staying for. Even though I know this is best for both of us. His heart will never forgive me. He shouldn't have to live like that.
I know I'll survive. I know I'll move on. I know this will one day be behind me. I hope he's ok. I hope only the best for him. He deserves it. Was he the perfect husband? No. No one is. People can love each other so deeply that everything just works and feels right. You can love someone so deeply that your entire body needs them, but not one of us is perfect. Not one. I've had some not so nice responses on my blogs. Got an ugly email. A quick turn off, have a Christian tell you that you're being prayed for and that sin is ugly, and you need your heart cleansed. Yeah, that's awesome. I know I'll be ok. I know he'll be ok. I hope he finds someone a million times better than me. He's a really fantastic guy. I will miss him.
This will be the last time I blog about him. I like blogging because it gets my words out if my head. It helps me sort out my thoughts and emotions. I needed to vent this. And right now, I will get up off this floor. I will move forward. I will not feel sorry for myself, after all, I did this. I deserve this. Yes, it will hurt. Yes, I will be ok. Yes, people are going to continue to judge me. Yes, I'm going to remember God's grace. I'm going to remember that my sin isn't so big that Jesus' blood can't cover. My sin isn't so big that Jesus died for nothing. I'm not the first one in history to have an affair. I certainly won't be the last. I am ending here. I'm getting off the floor, pulling myself together and figure out what's next for my life.
~Darla
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