I miss my mom and wish she could be here with me through this. I had an appointment with the surgeon that will remove the breast tissue in my upcoming surgery. That was almost two weeks ago. I also got a call last Thursday that did not put my mind at ease. When I met with the surgeon, we discussed the other appointments that had to done before the surgery can be scheduled. There are four appointments. I get anxious and nervous when I have so many doctor's appointments, and I don't like missing work. So, I asked the scheduler to make all of the appointments for the same day. I am really starting to get nervous or maybe anxious about these appointments. I'm trying to bury myself in work and keep busy so that I don't think about it.
When I woke up this morning, I felt very alone. I felt nervous. I wished I had mom to talk to. I wept. I miss her. That doesn't go away. You can't explain it to anyone. You would think that with time, you would quit having the cry fits from missing someone who passes away. I guess I'm not there yet. There is jealousy too. I get jealous of my friends, coworkers, and acquaintances that still have their moms. I know it's silly to want to mom to go with me to these appointments, but she would have been there. I would have never gone to an appointment alone. I'm jealous of the girls of the BRCA group who's moms will be there with them when they have surgery. I know that I have people that will be there with me. I have some close friends that refuse to not be there, my kids, my grandma, some friends from church, etc. I don't really need anyone there since I'll be sleeping, but oh what I would give to wake up from surgery and see my mom's face. I would love to wake up from surgery to hear her voice, saying "I was right here with you, Baby. You did just fine". That's what I was thinking about when I woke up this morning. It's really hard emotionally...all of this. It's my decision alone. I just hope having this BPM and oophorectomy is the best choice. I keep thinking if someone handed my a lottery ticket and said that it had an 87% change of being a winner that I'd be pretty confident it was a winner. Breast cancer is not the kind of thing you want to have an 87% chance of winning.
The appointments are set for October 6th. Tuesday. Next Tuesday. Four days from today. My stomach is in knots. I will go in early morning to imaging for my very last mammogram. Immediately after that, I report to have an MRI of both breasts. Then I report to the doctor that will be removing my ovaries for the last time. In the afternoon, I will see the reconstructive surgeon. There are several things that I'm worried about. The mammogram doesn't bother me except for the fact that it's terribly uncomfortable and usually leaves my chest muscles and tissue sore/tender. If the MRI comes back clear, then we can schedule the surgery. If there is any tissue that looks questionable then we will move on to tissue testing. If there is cancerous tissue, I will have to begin chemo. That would be worst case scenario. The only reason I feel worried about this is because my mother was so young. When she was diagnosed at 47 with breast cancer. At 49 it was stage 4 breast cancer which metastasized. It had spread. It was in her bones. Watching her suffer in pain was beyond the worst thing I ever experienced. Her slow, painful death was excruciating to watch. I'm almost I am only 10 years younger than she was when she was diagnosed. I'm willing to accept that God is in control, even if the results are not clear for the MRI. I would be able to catch this really early, and hopefully survive it. I would never want my kids to see me the way I had to watch mom suffer.
I am on the fence about meeting with the reconstructive surgeon again. See, I've seen several people in the BRCA groups talk about this fairly new, less popular surgery. It is only one surgery. I wouldn't have to go back for the exchange 3 months later. No expanders, minimal drains. I talked with the doctors that will be removing the breast tissue. They said to mention it to the reconstructive surgeon because both doctors would have to be on board with this. This will still be difficult and same recovery time, but it's all at once. I am really hoping that I am a candidate for this option. It is not as popular because of how long you are under. It could potentially be a 8-10 hours surgery and that's a long time to be under. The other thing is that there is no time to stretch the muscle to put the implant under the muscle. I don't like the way they look on top of the muscle, but they can do fat grafting to make them look more natural, and use cadaver skin to create a secure resting place for the implants. People with larger breasts are not typically candidates for this surgery from what I understand. I will talk to the reconstructive surgeon to see if I am a candidate. The only thing that really I have to talk to the doctor about that is removing my ovaries is that I want to know if there are alternatives for menopause once he removes my ovaries. I know that I won't be able to take any hormones especially since my mom's breast cancer was hormone related (according to her medical records as per my doctor's information), so I wonder if there will be other options for me...maybe some natural options, healthier without having to put a bunch of chemicals in my body. I am thankful to be getting all of the appointments done in one day, but I'm still very nervous. I'm scared, and I wish my mom was going with me to tell me that it'll all be ok, no matter what the results of the MRI.
I'm not sure how to feel. It really stinks to be alone with all of this stuff going through my mind. Just have to breathe through it, and do it one day at a time. The phrase "Do not be afraid" is written 365 times in the Bible. Coincidence? I think not. One time for every day of the year. I like that.
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