Forgive yourself

It's been a month since my last post.

I have so much I'd like to blog about, but sometimes I feel guilty. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings with my blogs.  I've really been thinking about this. I want to blog everything.  My fears, my loves, my highlights, and my bummed out moments...buuuuut what if someone gets offended?  This blog is public.  So, after thinking about it and praying about it, I decided that I am going to blog whatever I feel like.  :)

This was the entry in my daily devotional of Jesus Calling this morning:
SELF – PITY IS A SLIMY, BOTTOMLESS PIT, Once you fall in, you tend to go deeper and deeper into the mire. As you slide down those slippery walls, you are well on your way to depression, and the darkness is profound.
Your only hope is to look up and see the Light of My Presence shining down on you. Though the Light looks dim from your perspective, deep in the pit, those rays of hope can reach you at any depth. While you focus on Me in trust, you rise ever so slowly out of the abyss of despair. Finally, you can reach up and grasp My hand. I will pull you out into the Light again. I will gently cleanse you, washing off the clinging mire. I will cover you with My righteousness and walk with you down the path of Life.  (reference scripture is: Psalm 40:2-3, Psalm 42:5, and Psalm 147:11)

I enjoy those daily devotionals in that book.  Most of them are applicable to any situation.  I don't have self-pity. I've said before that everything in my life has brought me to the exact place in my life that I am. I fell that this passage can apply to your life in general or a specific trial that you are going through.  I think that sin carries weight.  Most of us pack up a suitcase with our sins, and wrongdoings and carry them around with us. I personally feel that there are three ways to completely release yourself of the guilt/weight of sin. 1. Apologize. Apologies to people that you have wronged are huge.  It allows a release.  It allows open communication to heal from the wound caused by a sin or a wrong doing. James 5:16 says: "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective".  Wow!! Pretty cool, huh?  Here's the second thing: 2. Talk to God. Do not hid from your sin/wrongdoings.  This is going to be shock, but He already knows.  As filthy as sinners are, He still sent His son to die for those.  Think about that for a minute.  Think of a person that you know that maybe you don't like or that you have judged because of their sin.  My example will be Hitler.  Hitler had a lot of people killed.  He treated the Jews terribly, yet God sent His son to die for Hitler as well.  Come to Him.  Come as you are.  You wouldn't believe what a release it is when you feel in your heart that you are forgiven.  When you know that God has forgiven you.  It will bring a cleansing cry for your heart, mind and soul.  Here is my last step in what I think it takes to unpack those suitcases of guilt: 3. Forgive yourself.

I have asked for forgiveness so many times for breaking the vows of my marriage. A little more than three weeks ago I was driving home from work, and praying.  I like to pray in my car where it's nice and quiet.  I do it on my way to work everyday.  This particular day, I prayed peace over the people at my job.  Seems to be a lot of chaos and stress, and that was weighing heavy on me.  Then I apologized to God.  I apologized for being a stumbling block to others.  I apologized for the fact that I was not a person that people would see Jesus in because I broke the vows of my marriage.  I cried hard.  I want people to see Christ in me.  I want people to say, "That girl has Jesus glowing from her".  I haven't felt that I could be that person since I had the affair.  It's been almost 11 months since that happened. I was bawling and apologizing for it again as I had done so many times before.  This time (3+ weeks ago) was different...it was almost audible.  In my heart and soul, I felt the words "I already forgave you".  How can this be?  How can He have already forgiven me? It's because He already knew my sin.  I had already asked for His forgiveness of my wrongdoing.  The week before I had actually apologized (via blog) to an important person affected by my wrong.  So, 3+ weeks ago, I finally forgave myself.  I finally unpacked that suitcase of guilt that I was carrying around. I can't not begin to tell you what a fantastic release that has been. No set backs, no turning back.  I am forgiven! I am no longer carrying that guilt.  I will no longer feel the need to continually confess to people why I am down or drift off in thought.  I'm not down anymore.  I am looking up.  God has got this. I'm not sad or burdened by my affair. It happened.  I can't change it now.  I have needed to release it for so long.  The only thing I can describe it as (which I have said before) is like a balloon. We carry around this balloon (guilt).  It's tied to our wrist.  It gets in the way and is a constant reminder of our sin/wrongdoing.  The balloon (guilt) is constantly there, over your head, tugging at your wrist. God has asked you for the balloon several times, and you reply, "No, it's mine".  You keep carrying that around with you. One day, you decide to trust God to carry that (just as Jesus carried the weight of all sin when on the cross). You let go.  No more tugging at your wrist, no more constant reminder, no more dragging around that guilt.  That the best way I know to describe it.  It allows you to look at yourself again, refocus.  You can love yourself again.  You can smile again. You can breathe deeply.  You can feel worthy of things.  Everyone deserves that release.  Everyone deserves to love themselves.  Everyone deserves to feel God's sunshine and warmth on their face.  Everyone. I feel so very free!  I feel loved, and worthy of love.

It was hard for me when my ex-husband started dating (immediately after our divorce), but I have released that as well.  I am excited for him.  I really hope he is good.  I hope he is able to love freely.  I hope she is everything he ever needed and wanted in a partner/friend. I hope "the one" is nice to him.  I hope his heart can heal through the love of another.  Here is a letter to the person who dates my ex-husband:
Dear woman (couldn't come up with anything else),
The person you are interested in, and may fall in love with is my ex-husband. He's a gentle man.  He will never harm you and will do anything to protect you.  He has a hard time with emotion, but do not fault him for that.  It's the way he is structured.  It's part of what makes him, him. He's rarely angry.  He will sit with you and listen to every word.  He doesn't talk much, so in conversation his contribution is his listening skills. He's quite handy.  He can fix just about anything. He loves deeply, and shows it by being helpful.  He doesn't have to have a list of "things to do".  He just does them. He drifts off in thought a lot, but it's usually about you.  He's a people pleaser, and will go out of his way to diffuse a situation before it can lead to conflict.  Be nice to him.  He doesn't express himself much, but he thoroughly enjoys people who are not mean.  He gets frustrated, but doesn't show it.  He was the man I once loved with everything in me.  Please don't hurt him. He's strong and masculine, but he can be hurt.  Hold his hand, but don't crowd him.  He is not perfect, but neither are you.  Love his faults.  He will let you dig through his phone.  He closes browsers, but does not clear history. Check it. Be sweet to the kids. All of them.  Keep in mind that the two middle children have two mothers (biological and me).  We are quite protective of them.  Don't be upset if he forgets things.  He will make up for it. Last but not least, love him with everything you have. Help him in his life journey.  Help him to be a better man today than he was yesterday. Be an addition to his life, not a an anchor.
Love, Darla

Where does that put me? Where am I at now? Well, I feel forgiven.  Free. Capable of feeling and showing love.  I now feel worthy of love.  I am dating.  The man I've been dating...well...he's nice. He's really nice.  I'm not brave enough to talk much more about him than that.  He makes me smile. I guess somewhere in the last 10+ months, I had forgotten how to genuinely smile.  I'm smiling for me now. I don't feel the weight of that suitcase or balloon.  I have unpacked everything, given it to God, and stepped out into the sunshine. You can't start your life story over, but you can end a chapter and move on to the next one.  You will never feel freedom of your mind and heart if you keep re-reading and trying to edit the last chapter.