Chose happiness.

What a whirlwind of events.  The last week of my life could be categorized in the top 5 worst weeks of my life.
Monday: We sat in court waiting for our turn to have our divorce papers signed.  I told Ricky during this time that this was it.  This was his last chance to reconsider the divorce.  I'm not sure why I said that.  I knew he wasn't going to change his mind.  I wept a little.  The hardest part was watching him hand over the divorce papers to the court clerk to file.  Thus ending the marriage. 

Tuesday:  some things went down at work that I was not expecting.  I made a bad judgment call.  As a manger, I thought I was doing the right thing.  I was wrong.  It did get resolved, but it was just a very hard day. 

Wednesday: Well, I had a photography session with a baby who was not in the mood for it.  We ended up rescheduling.  I went out to my car to discover that my battery had shorted.  Lovely.  I got a ride home.  Got a friend to put a battery in my car.  Ricky was in a foul mood and was very upset with who put the battery in my car and proceeded to let me hear his opinion of me until 1am in the morning.  I will spare you the details of that conversation.  It was ugly. He did ask for my engagement ring back. 

Thursday:  I woke up at 5am and immediately burst into tears.  I sat in the bath tub for 4 hours.  I sat there until the water was cold.  I felt worthless, empty, and dark.  I was okay with just dying right there in the tub...not suicidal, just giving up hope on life. I couldn't understand my emotions.  I sat there staring at the scars on my arm, at a past that I thought I had overcome.  It doesn't work like that.  We carry our past with us to remind us where we came from.  I wont get into the details on how I felt, but I can tell you that depression can rear it's ugly head and strike at any moment.  It's not a choice.  It's a place.  It's a deep dark hole in which no one can hear your screams.  After 4 hours  I suddenly realized that darkness is not of God.  I started praying out loud.  Bawling and praying.  I prayed and prayed.  I was texting with a very important person in my life which did help.  I finally got out of that bathtub, went to the mirror only to find that I did not recognize the person in the mirror.  It was as if I had never seen my face before.  It was empty, sad, and it wasn't my face.  I sat in my room talking to the picture of my mother.  I got up off that floor, got dressed and went to work.  I was quiet at work.  I hadn't known sadness/depression like that since I was 13-14 (which is by far the worst year most girls have to go through).  I tried to stay focused and busy at work.  I realized that depression can be taken away only by God.  I have always thought of people who experience depression as emotionally diseased.  I thought it was a little thing that you carry in your pocket always.  I had never really experienced any sort of depression or state of severe sadness like that as an adult.  I was honestly scared.  But after praying, reading some scripture, and just talking to a couple people.  I was able to figure out that it can be a temporary state of extreme sadness.  God can lead you out of it IF you let Him.  You have to be willing to let go of every emotion, empty yourself and let Him hold you.  It was a scary place to be, but I was able to get a whole new view on depression.  I can understand on a much smaller level what some of my friends have gone through or are going through with depression.  It gave me a understanding of what happens when people hit "rock bottom". 

Friday:  I went to dinner with 2 girlfriends.  I went after that to a bar to meet up with a different girlfriend.  I'm a real party animal -- I drank Diet Coke.  I thought about visiting my sisters in Granger and maybe going to the little bar next to their house where I have several friends that visit there.  I decided to go home to bed instead.

Saturday:  I got some chores done around the house, and I managed to blew up the living room TV.  Later that evening, a girlfriend and I went to a movie and went out for drinks.  She was driving, so I had two beers, and then Diet Coke for the rest of the evening.  It was good to get out of the house.  It was nice to visit with my girlfriend about nothing in particular. When I got home, I was scrolling through Facebook only to see in my newsfeed...pictures of Ricky with a girl.  In one of the pictures she was sitting on his lap.  Nice - 4 days after our divorce.  That stung.  The girl was the ex-wife of the man I had an affair with.   The only thing I can hope is that our kids don't see those pictures.  Our kids think there is a chance of us dating and reconciling our relationship.  I can assure you, that is no longer a possibility.  Those pictures were posted for one reason.  To hurt people. It worked. 

Sunday:  I went to Sunday school and over shared, as I most often do when I speak.  Later that day, I gave Ricky a final goodbye letter.  I can't continue to be friends with him.  We are not in a position to do that if he is going to continue to intentionally hurt me, and be ugly.  I am FULLY aware of the poor decision that I made.  Throwing it in my face every time you drink liquid courage is not necessary. I gave him the letter in an envelope with the engagement ring that he wanted back.  We talked for a while.  He moved a TV for me since I blew up the one in the living room.  He took the letter and ring with him.  He did not read it in front of me.  It basically said that We can't be friends with the constant intentional hurt that he kept doing.  It also said that I made a commitment to the kids (his and mine) to be their parent.  I explained that I no longer wanted him to call or text me unless it had something to do with the kids. I told him I would no longer answer texts or phone calls from him that were not about the kids.   This was also my way of closure.  It was my stand to make a decision and move forward.

Yesterday: The anniversary of my mother's death.  I probably don't need to elaborate on my emotions from yesterday.  I had my sisters over for pizza.  We talked for a couple hours and they left. 

I have no idea what my future holds.  No one does.  We are given one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. That's it.  That's all we got...the moment we are in right now.  God does not promise us next month, next week, or even tomorrow.  We are not guaranteed tonight.  You have only the moment you are in right now.  Be the you that can inspire others.  Be the candle in a dark room.  Be nice.  Love one another. Choose this moment. Choose happiness. 

Matthew 6:34
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
John 13:34
My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.

Special note to readers:
I pretty much blog anything.  This is not a gossip column.  It's my life in a blog. If you don't like it or you are shocked by my lack of a filter...then I encourage you to not read my blogs.  I will probably continue to shock you and talk about things that some people think should not be told.  These blogs are my life struggles, and my life highlights.  I will tell them all. I'm convinced that God made me like this.  At 9 months old I started talking and haven't stopped yet. :)