Will I have nipples?

     The one thing that people should tell you when you are sick or having surgery: don't Google it. OH what a horrible idea. If you've have ever Googled a symptom, you are pretty much gonna die.   All of the horror stories and worst case scenarios are there.
     When I found out that I was BRCA2+, I decided to Google what options there were. I was overwhelmed with the options.  There was just way too much information.  When I talked to my doctor, the only option I felt was right for me and my family was the choice of a double mastectomy.  If you have read my previous blog, you know the details on this.  Well, that just provoked me into Googling mastectomies. Don't do that. Just don't do it. When I went back to the doctor (Cassie) I was really scared to death, but couldn't let her know I had been Googling this. She did put me at ease, but I really had a lot of questions.  She suggested that I meet with the plastic surgeon that would be putting me back together and reconstructing my breasts. However, what did I do before I went? Oh yeah, you know it! I Googled it. *rolls eyes* That made it worse.  I joined a FB group for DIEP Flap surgeries.  People post pictures on there that scared me even more.  I would bawl knowing that I was going to have these horribly mutilated breasts and terrible scars.  The DIEP Flap procedure is where a section of your lower abdominal is removed and used to rebuild the breasts with your tissue. The scar on the tummy is hip to hip.  They like to tell you that this is kinda like a tummy tuck with your breast reconstruction.  Ummmm, no!  It's certainly not. A tummy tuck scar is about 4-6 inches just above your...goodies (for lack of a more appropriate word).  This DIEP Flap scar on the tummy doesn't look like you can hide it.  I was not wanting this procedure.  The pictures that people put on the FB page are horrific.  Everyone on there is super nice and supportive.  They are a team, a family.  Its a fantastic support group, but after hearing the stories and seeing the pictures, I was hoping there was another option for me. 
     As dumb as it sounds, my other serious concern was: do I get to keep my nipples.  I think my concern for my nipples is solely based on the fact that...we've been together for a while.  Me and my nipples, well we've been through a lot together. :) We're close like that. So, in my head I'm potentially going to have these mutilated breasts, a scar from hip to hip, and no nipples! Fear. I know, how selfish of me?  That would go through my head.  ANY breasts no matter how mutilated and nippleless are better than getting cancer, right? Maybe?  Maybe I shouldn't get reconstructive at all.  Maybe being without breasts would be easier.  I could lay on my stomach comfortably.  I would be easy to hug.  I would never have to wear a bra again! All the thoughts in my head and on Google boggled my mind. I was a mess.  I would just break down and cry in random places.  Several times at work I have gone to the bathroom to weep.  I'm almost 40 obviously my breasts are not where they once were, but they're mine.  I once wept in a dressing room.  I've broke down and bawled at home.  The nasty kind of cry where you are sucking in weird breaths, snotting, making the ugly cry face, and wiping your face on your sleeve. Yeah, it's ugly, but we've all done it. I still had so many questions.  I would talk to my husband, but I could tell that he had no idea how to react.  He can't relate at all.  I know it's weird, but I am concerned that with ugly breasts, what if he's not attracted to me? What if he's actually grossed out by what he sees?  I understand that he didn't marry me for my breasts (if he did, we have bigger issues to address).  I also understand that he'd rather see ugly breasts than to have to stand by and watch my battle breast cancer, go through chemo, and possibly die. To breast or not to breast, that is the question.
     Yesterday I had my appointment to meet with the plastic surgeon. LOVE HER! I was nervous all day at work.  I ended up getting there 30 minutes early.  My appointment was at 3:30. I had to sit and wait a while because the patient before me must have had a lot of questions too. :) I patiently waiting.  I even got in a quick little nap which was nice. The nurse came in and asked a few questions, and then took me into another room.  The doctor was in shortly after that. I immediately liked her simply because she was about my height.  I feel an immediate connection to short people. *shrugs* Not sure why. She drew pictures to show me what the procedure would actually entail. Basically, I will go in and they will cut from underneath the breasts, remove all of the tissue and then insert a flat bag with drain tubes. I will go each week to get 100cc of fluid put into these expansion bags.  This will occur for 6-8 weeks.  I will start out with smaller "lumps" that will increase when they put fluid in each week until I reach the size of my current breasts (or close to it).  The expansion bags will actually be placed under my chest muscle to help mask the round shape of the implant that will be put in at a later date. She explained to me that the "round" fake breasts that you see are when the implants are above the muscle. I really want these to look as natural as they can.  I have now accepted the fact that they will never look like mine.  They will not look natural.  She explained that she is going to give me breasts that won't try to kill me.  She also does NOT recommend the DIEP Flap procedure.  *huge sigh of relief* I like that. It was comforting to hear her say that. I told her that I had been Googling stuff, and that there were some scary breasts out there. She said, "Bring me the pictures of the ugly breasts, and I'll tell you what was done wrong.  I can tell you if the surgeon made a mistake, or if the patient didn't do what they were supposed to.  I can tell you that.  Also, if you see some that you like, bring me those pictures as well.  I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that this is one procedure and done.  It will take several surgeries to get them how you want them, but I won't stop until you're happy with them."  I felt better.  I now know that this will take more than one surgery.  I know that she is going to work on them until I'm happy (boy does she have her work cut out for her). I finally asked the big question: will I have nipples?  She looked at my bare breasts and said that she felt that she could salvage the nipple, but they would be in the exact same spot that they are now, and that it is possible for the nipple tissue to die which would mean I would have to remove them anyway.  Sometimes part of the nipple dies so you have a partial nipple.  She said she would recommend removing them to cut out any risk, but that it was up to me. So, I decided right then and there.  I will be having my nipples removed as well, and its MY choice. Oh, what a relief! What a huge relief.  I don't know the technical term, but the raised part in the center of the nipple is something that can built, and then later I will go to have the colored part tattooed to look like a real nipple.  There is a guy in New York that tattoos nipples.  I think I am going to journey up there, put my Taylor Texas pin on the map in his office, and get me some Vinnies. :)  Watch the video. You'll understand. Click here -->  Vinnie, 3D Nipple Tattoo Artist
     Six months ago I would not have dared to say the word nipple.  I most certainly would not have blogged about it!! Are you kidding me, that's so very personal, and frankly you just don't talk about it.  My view on breasts in general has completely changed. I'm blogging about a part of my body that will not be mine.  I will never have sensation in my breasts ever again.  They will be a foreign thing to me.  I can talk about them because they aren't personal.  They aren't mine. They are just replacements so that mine don't try to kill me. This is still a hard decision, but at this point in my journey I am positive that I will have the double mastectomy.  I am positive that I will have reconstructive surgery. I am positive that I will not have nipples.  I am positive that my doctors will do the best they can.  I am positive that I will survive. I am positive that I will not live in fear of developing breast cancer. What else matters?