Let's talk about my weight history. Let's talk about personal goals. I love blogging all of this stuff...because one day I may want to look back and remember these things.
I have always been firm in my belief that if you want something bad enough, you can obtain it. I realize there are exceptions to this belief. Let's say my goal is to have a date with Dwight Yoakum. That's not gonna happen. For one, I'm married, and that's completely inappropriate. Secondly, he's doesn't know I'm alive nor will he ever. I suppose if I wanted it bad enough I could be a groupie, and travel the country to be at his every concert. I could stand outside his house, and wait for him to meet me...or wait to be arrested. The fact still remains. If you want something bad enough, you will anything to obtain it. Make sense? You can pick just about anything and figure out the order of events that would need to happen to obtain it. If you want it bad enough. :)
So, now lets talk about my weight. *rolls eyes* Through high school I was always 120-125lbs. I am 5'1", so that's not rail thin. I wore a size 5. I've always had large thighs. Always. I'm not pear shaped, just evenly proportioned. I, like a lot of people, gained weight after high school. I was still a runner as an adult. I love to run. I love winter runs with the cold air in my chest. I love the way my legs feel like jelly after a long run. At the age of 23, I got married to my first husband (we don't all get it right on the first try). I weighed 130. I didn't run as much, but I still ran. I've been a vegetarian as long as I can remember, so I eat mostly healthy. My enemy: rice and pasta. I love rice. I super love pasta. Pasta is the easiest way to make a vegetarian meal and be full. Starches in general are not healthy unless you are really exercising. Running 3 miles a couple of times a week was not burning it off. I was not a soda drinker. I have never been a big fan of sweets, so I was able to maintain a healthy weight without a lot of exercise.
Right before our first anniversary, I was in a pretty bad car accident. I rolled a Ford Explorer on a gravel road on my way home. I hurt my hip really bad. I had no seatbelt on because I was only driving a few miles from the post office in town to our house out in the boonies. I remember the first few flips. I held the steering wheel as tight as I could. The first flip broke all of the windows on the drivers side. As I was holding the steering wheel my whole left side hit hard on the gravel road. I did not have skin on my left side from upper hip bone to my knee. There was no way I could run. It was months before I was able to. I put on weight. Not a ton, but it happens slowly.
I got pregnant with my son right after our first anniversary. I weighed 143. I was so sick with him through the entire pregnancy that I only gained 7lbs. I weighed 150lbs when I gave birth. I left the hospital weighing less than when I got pregnant. When my son was 5, my husband left me. No hard feelings. We were not terrible together, but we had our problems. All these years later, we are still friends. He's a great guy, but we just couldn't make it. No, this is not what I wanted, but I understand why he left. It takes two people to make a marriage work. Both people have to want it. It is NOT a one sided commitment. Enough about that. So, I was hurt and angry that he left me. I'm not sure why I was shocked, I wasn't a good wife. Cleaning and dusting are not my strong suite. :) When he left, my eating habits became horrendous. I was eating anything I wanted. I wasn't trying to be healthy. I didn't care any more. I had no one to impress.
In the first year after he left I gained weight. Not terrible. I was 155ish and wearing a size 11. My weight was still evenly distributed...I was just bigger all over. Again, don't get me wrong. This is not a bad size. I knew lots of people that would have liked to be a size 11. This was my first time in a double digit size. I wasn't particularly concerned. After all, I was a vegetarian. Pssssh. Vegetarians are some of the most unhealthy people because they don't do in a healthy way. I wasn't a vegetarian because I just love Bambi, cows, and chickens. I really just don't care for the chewing part. I know that's weird. It's the fleshy tearing part that bothers me. I periodically like a hotdog if I'm in the mood. I've been known to eat sausage wraps after a couple beers and a Red Flyer wagon ride. That's a wild story...for another time. :)
So, I was 28, single, eating crap, not exercising, and not caring. By the time I was 30 I weighed 195. I didn't realize that I had put on that much weight. It was around Christmas time, and my mother insisted on a picture of all of us girls and our partners on the front steps of the house. In the picture I was big. I was the biggest sister. There are 6 of us girls, and I was the fat one. I know that 195lbs doesn't seem like a lot. I know there are people out there that would love to be 195. I know this. I do not think that heavy people are gross. I see the beauty inside and out. Little known fact about me: I am a chubby chaser. I date heavy people. I love them. I love the way weight looks on people. I am not the only one out there that is like that. This is not an absurd obsession. I love sexy rolls on men and women. I love heavy people. I really do think that curves and rolls are sexy. However, looking in the mirror, I didn't like them on my self. I did not feel sexy. I felt that couldn't pull off clothes that were in style. Girls that were bigger than me were wearing these cute clothes, and looking fantastic. I didn't feel good about my self. I started wearing clothes that were big and flowing. I wore baby doll shirts way after they went out of style. When I met my second husband he was 300lbs. I love every single pound of it!! 195lbs is not a bad weight. It would be a fantastic weight for someone 5'7". At 5'1" I was not carrying the weight well. I started noticing things that were more difficult to do. I hadn't even tried to run in at least 2 years. I was still eating crap food. Lots of fast food, vending machine cuisine, tons of soda, and lots and lots of salt. Mexican food was my go to. Oh yes, cheese enchiladas, rice, beans, guacamole, and a basket of chips and salsa. This alone is about 2,000 calories. I would eat this for one meal. So, it's possible that some days I was easily taking in 5,000 calories. I was eating 2 breakfast tacos each morning. Potato and egg breakfast tacos...200 calories each. Mexican food for lunch because that was really the only restaurant in the town I worked in at the time. Dinner was whatever. A large can of Ravioli, Pasta salad, usually Italian food because it was cheap and easy to make. I maintained 195 for a while.
I met my second husband when I was 33. Actually we had known each other since the 5th/6th grade. He was a year ahead of me in school. We will skip all of the details on how we met up again. I'll blog about that at another time. :) When we met, nothing had changed with my eating habits and exercise. I weighed 190. I was wearing a size 18. We dated for almost a year when he asked me to marry him. We both wanted to work on our weight before we got married. He lost almost 40 pounds, and I lost 15. We were both using the My Fitness Pal ap. That was huge for me. I really had no idea how many calories a person was supposed to eat. I certainly had no idea that I was eating 3-4xs my daily caloric allowance. I had a really hard time with this. Pasta is 200 calories for one cup. I could easily sit down and eat an entire box of Mac and Cheese by my self. One box is 1200 calories. My problem was not just what foods I was eating, but also my portion intake. It was a real bummer to only lose 15 pounds in 8 months. I felt again like a failure. My weight through the first 3 years of our marriage fluctuated between 170-185. After my mom died last year, I was eating crap again. I was really fed up with life, my body, just everything. Depression was probably not as far off as I'd like to think it was.
Sometime late last year, I mentioned to my daughter something like "blah blah back when I was a size 7". She said, "I don't ever remember you being small". Ouch. My kids only remembered having a heavy mom. I don't care for the word heavy...I prefer chubby, but whatever. This year, 2014, was the year. I was done. I was not going to live like this anymore. Ricky was fed up with his weight as well. It's hard to be intimate when you feel disgusting. We were being intimate in the dark only. No daytime hanky-panky. Hiding away from intimacy and avoiding affection because you are uncomfortable in your own body is damaging to a relationship. I can understand how one could become depressed being overweight and hating it. So, in January, we went to the gym and bought a one year membership. Oh yeah, big commitment. January 1st 2014, I weighed 187 lbs. I was wearing a size 16 at the time. We were going to the gym and working out at least 5 times a week. I was still using My Fitness Pal. I was really really careful with portions and food choices. This time was different. I had weighed more than I did nine months pregnant for the last 7 years. I was determined to get under my 9 month pregnant weight. I was almost 30 lbs heavier than I was at 9 months pregnant!! This was going to be hard, but I wanted it bad enough. I wanted it really bad. I was talking to a friend one day about wanting to lose weight. She is heavier than me. She actually got upset with me for talking about being overweight, and how I needed to let it go because a lot of people would love to be my weight. She told me that I was not overweight, and I needed to let it go. She said that I actually "piss her off" when I talk about it. I had no idea. I seriously had no idea. I was actually a bit in shock. All people are different. Everyone's "dream body" is different. I quit talking about my weight to anyone that was bigger than me. I certainly didn't mean to offend anyone. I would never intentionally offend someone. Well...not about that. Anyway, back on topic. So, by March we had really been working out almost every day. We were eating better, and reasonable portions. Ricky drops weight faster than me. I think males in general lose faster than women. He was really slimming up. In late March I weighed 173lbs. I was doing it!! I was losing weight!! I had lost 14lbs in 3 months. Not really as fast as I was hoping, but hey! It was happening.
It was in April that we fell off the wagon. Lovely. We quit going to the gym. Life was crazy. I was working 70-100 hours per week. I was eating out of the vending machine. I guess I didn't want it bad enough after all. In June, I had put some of the weight back on. I'm not sure how much because I wasn't recording it at that time on My Fitness Pal. In July, I tried to put on a pair of my bigger jeans. They were a size 16. They were too tight to be comfortable. How could I have not wanted it bad enough?!?
In early August, I was done (again) with this weight problem. This time I did something completely different. I prayed. I cried and prayed. I told God that I was sorry that I was not respecting His temple. If my body is a temple of God's then I was shaming His temple. I felt terrible about it. I asked him to take away my want for crap food, fast food, and vending machine cuisine. It was an entirely different outlook on my weight. I started going to the gym without Ricky. I was working out harder than ever. I started taking B12 on a regular basis (which my mother always said I needed to take). The first few days I noticed an increase in energy, and loss of appetite. I chalked that up to stress at work and lack of time to eat. I remember a time that I had gone to the vending machine and nothing looked good. Nothing. I instead had a huge thing of water. For the first week, I couldn't figure out the loss of appetite. One night really late at work probably 9pm or so, it hit me. Maybe it was the B12?? I searched loss of appetite with B12. BINGO!! Apparently at weight loss clinics, they actually inject patients with B12 to help with weight loss and hunger. Really?? Duh! Should have totally researched it before popping those things like TicTacs. I was taking 3000 micrograms per day. Prior to this I was drinking 10+ Diet Cokes per day for energy. The need to have sodas was gone. I love the taste, but no longer needed them for the caffeine boost. I drink maybe 1 a day now. I haven't had on in three days, and haven't needed the caffeine. I feel fine. The energy is level and healthy. I know about the loss of appetite now, so I have to actually think about eating. It's unhealthy to NOT eat. I am eating small portions, still going to the gym, and taking 2,000 micrograms per day of B12. I am spreading it out through out the day. I start the day with 1,000 micrograms. Then I take 1,000 more after lunch. I am still hitting the gym hard. My eating choices are so much healthier. I don't want fried foods. At all. I don't want pasta. I don't like the way it makes me feel. If I do have pasta, it's a very small amount. I've only had one cup serving of pasta on the last month. I eat vegetables. I actually crave them. They are fantastic for energy, and easy for the body to burn. I quit eating salads. The salads I was eating were high in salt and calories. If I want a salad I eat some lettuce leaves and a few tomatoes. I really feel that God heard me and is helping me. He has taken away my craving for all of my favorite foods, potatoes, fries, rice, salt, butter, soda, fried anything, bread, and so many other things. I almost feel swollen after I eat bread. I had a half of a biscuit yesterday at lunch. It didn't even taste good. It tasted like...dough...or flour. It wasn't good.
My husband is not happy with this. I think he feels that I am starving to death. I'm not. I am eating. It's just not what he is used to seeing me eat. I am by no means suggesting that anyone try this. I am not a doctor, and I am certainly not a health expert. I did talk to my doctor, and I am not overdoing the B12. Someone else at work started taking B12, and has discovered the same thing. He actually has to remember to eat something during the day. Another person said that it did not change anything for them. They mentioned it to their doctor during a routine physical in which the doctor told them that B12 is good for energy but only for those who are B12 deficient. So, it's not for everyone. Last night I went to the gym. For the first time in as long as I can remember I was able to wear a shirt that was snug on my body. I've been wearing tee shirts, but they are all way to big and hard to work out in. I was wearing a fitted tank!!! I can't ever remember a time in my life when I was able to do that.
I was not going to blog about this in fear of offending someone because I felt big at 187. I figure that I write this blog for myself and my life experiences. I want to make it very clear that I am not PC. I speak what's on my mind without a filter. I have always been like this. I just speak what I feel. I hope this doesn't end up on some media page where it goes viral and people bash me for my choices and opinions. Who is anyone to judge my opinions? Yeah right, it happens all the time...to all of us.
I would like to finish up with saying that today I weigh 157lbs. My size 14s are too big, but I'm not in a 12...yet. I do not have long term goals...I am just marking my goals at 5lbs at a time. My goal is 5 more pounds by Friday of next week. Small goals are so much easier to work towards...for me.
My apologies for this being the longest blog I've ever written...I just like to talk. :) I can talk on here to myself for as long as I want to. :)
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