Who's gonna wipe my hiney?!?

     I am really thankful that I am able to blog.  I know this isn't everyone's thing, but it is such a release.  When you have no one to talk to...blog.
     Last week I had a follow up appointment with Cassie.  She is the surgeon that will be removing the breast tissue during the first surgery.  As I have said before, she is fantastic!  I love her demeanor, her calming voice, and her ability to explain things in a way that I understand....minimal medical terms.  She even draws pictures if she needs to. :)  The appointment went well for the most part. So far after each appointment I have walked to my car with a smile, and then I sit in my car and cry.  I let it all out. I just sit there pray and cry.  No one knows this.  This is the first time I've admitted it. It's not because I'm sad.  This is just a lot.  It's a lot of information.  It's a lot to understand.  It's a lot to accept.  It's a lot to carry everyday. It usually takes me back to my mother.  I saw a video the other day on The Pink Ribbon FB page.  It was a girl the day of surgery and a few days following her double mastectomy.  I always have so much respect for those people who document their journeys.  Anyway, I cried.  Not because of the pain she in, not because I was going to go through that same pain, not because I felt sorry for her.  I cried watching her mother hold her hand.  It's selfish, and it's jealousy.  I know it's wrong to be jealous, but she had her mom. My mother won't be holding my hand when I go into surgery.  Don't get me wrong!! I have plenty of people who love me and will be there with me.  There will be way more people than need to be there, but none of them are my mother.  I wonder if they will let me keep my pocket angel in my hand during surgery?  I'll have to remember to ask.  I have really gotten off topic....back to my appointment.  Sorry.  So,  Cassie explained to me that the incision will not be under the breasts.  It will be in a () shape around the nipple.  It will be two incisions one above the nipple and one under that  connect on either side and make a rounded diamond shape.  They will remove all of the breast tissue through this "hole".  When they begin removing the tissue on the second breast, the plastic surgeon will come in and install the "bag" (it's called a tissue expander) on the first breast.  There will be three people working at the same time to get done as quickly as possible so that I am not under anesthesia longer than necessary.  This process will take 4-5 hours. When the "holes" are sewn together it will be a straight line.  It will be 5-6 inches across each breast. The drains will be located on the outside of the incisions. There will be two tubes from each breast.  One is a drain tube, and the other is a tube in which the fluid will be injected each week.  It's quite possible that the surgery will be the first week in January.  That's only 14 weeks. 
     The first week following surgery will be very difficult.  I will be unable to use my arms.  The bandages will need to be changed.  I will have to wear a special cami-shirt that fastens in the front.  I will have to wear front buttoning shirts as well since I won't be able to do over the head things with my arms. This is going to so very difficult.  Who's gonna wipe my hiney?!? One of the first thoughts I had.  I know that I shouldn't have a problem with this, but this is a big deal for me.  Other than my mother, NO ONE has ever had to clean my goodies!! I don't even pee in front of my husband.  How do I think that I am going to let him help me with this task? This is a very big concern for me.  I know there are people that will do it...I can name several: my grandma, my husband, my sisters, my daughter.  I know these people will do it.  I don't want them to.  I want to go pee alone, and wipe myself! Uhg!!! How awful.  OH my gosh!!! It just occurred to me:  what if I'm on my menstrual cycle?  *blank stare*  I am done with this paragraph.
     I have so many things in my head. There are so many concerns.  There are so many ideas bouncing around.  I can't keep focused on one thing.  I replace all of these thoughts with work.  I have started working more hours.  I get up at 4am with my mind running a hundred miles per hour.  I get to work by 5am, and work work work until 6,7,8pm. When I get home, I edit.  I keep my mind busy. Lately we have been going to dinner a lot which gets me out of the house and away from editing & working for a little bit.  It's good for me.  I know it is.
     It's so hard to be at home.  A while back my son (Brian) decided that he wanted to go live with his dad. We waited until after the spring season of baseball because our lives revolve around baseball.  I moved him to his dads this summer. That was a very tough day for me.  Now I walk by his empty room, and sometimes I stop to cry on his bed. I miss him so much.  I still talk to him.  I get him every other weekend, but after having him for his entire 12 years of life...it's hard to not have him at home. He was honest with me in this decision.  He said that he had prayed for a long time before the topic had come up, and he was certain that this was what he wanted to do.  I know it doesn't mean that he won't come back home.  I hang on to a glimmer of hope that one day he may decide that he wants to come home, but I also realize that's not fair to his dad who has missed so much in Brian's life since we separated in 2006. This too runs through my head all the time. 
     I am worried about so much that is going on in my life. I am not a worrier.  Not typically.  Some days my brain is in over load.  Most days. Some days there is so much in my head that I don't voice, and that makes me feel so alone sometimes. Do not get me wrong...I know that this is one of the many times in my life where there is only one set of footprints. I am so thankful for a God who loves me so very much. More than I can possibly fathom. That is comforting in itself.
~Darla