One day I will have it all together! I seriously thought this during my childhood. HA! Wow... What does that even mean? Having it all together...that's an interesting phrase.
I do not and probably will not ever have it all together. I've had a hard time with my mother's death in the past few weeks. I know that people think "she should have moved on by now", "Darla is taking this harder than she should", "I can't believe she's still grieving". A piece of my life is gone. Gone. Mothers don't judge you. Mother's are the only ones that have your childhood stories in their head. Mother's are the ones that patch your BooBoos no matter how old you are. When my first husband left, my mother held me (more than once) while I cried. When I told my mother that I thought I had a drinking problem, she didn't judge me. I have so many things I really need to talk to her about. I know I know. I have friends that will listen to me ramble on. I have family that will too. But they're not my mom. The last movie I watched with mom was The Lake House. The last thing I ate with my mother was Chinese that we brought into the hospice hospital. The last words she said to me were "I love you, Baby". I can still hear her voice. I wonder so often what she would think right now. Would she be proud of the photography stuff I'm doing? She always liked to look at them. Would she be disappointed with my work habits right now? Would she support my decision for the double mastectomy? Would she pet my head before I go into surgery? Would she be holding my hand at each appointment? What would she say if I just put my head on her shoulder to cry? You don't move on. You don't ever finish grieving. You learn to live with a piece of your heart, and your life gone...missing.
I got the date of my surgery set. That was nerve wracking and a relief at the same time. I'm still nervous. I'm having so many mixed emotions. One minute I'm sad, and the next I'm frustrated and mad. I can't seem to find a happy medium. I think it's just that there is so much in my head...so much running through my mind. I have so many tough things that I'm going through right now. So much more detail than I feel comfortable blogging about. I have a friends sister that committed suicide last week. One of my friends is an affair (she's single). One of my friends is having an affair that is destroying her emotionally. One friend is in the hospital. One friend is going to marry a man that she doesn't love. One friend is having severe depression and having a hard time separating herself from her past. One friend is financial trouble and seems so very depressed. My sister has a drinking problem. My dad's been coughing up blood for 2 years and won't go to the doctor. I have so many appointments. I'm working 12-17 hours per day at my day job. I'm actually down 3 employees right now. I miss my son. I miss having the kids at home. One of our girls is thinking about moving out of the state. I'm buried at work. I have a friend who's girlfriend is battling breast cancer and doing chemo. I have a friend who's thinking about divorce. I've needed a hair cut for months. I'm worried about all of this. And when one thing seems fixed...some other chaotic thing replaces it. This again is why I wish I had mom to talk to. Don't misread my emotions. I have a ton of things to be thankful for as well. Please do not assume that all I do is complain. It's not like that. I have a ton of things in my life that I am so thankful for. I really do. :)
I think life is like that for everyone. There are always life storms. Learning to dance in the rain...that's the hard part, and the fun part. :)
~Darla
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