Our memories go with us

Sometimes I think too much. I'm alone a lot, so I have plenty of time to think. We've all done it. We've all sat too long, dwelled on everything, anything too long. 

I plan to put my house on the market in the next few months. I am hoping to do so by this summer. I should be all healed up by then. Some people don't think so, but I refuse to be down that long. I'll shock everyone with how fast God heals me after the surgeries. Watch and see. Anyway...I need to clean stuff out. I really wanted to get it all done before the first surgery but that's next week.  Procrastination is a hobby of mine. *wink* I was going through some boxes in the guest room. I saw an album on top that I had never seen before. It was blue. My name was written at the top. The curiosity in me was overwhelming. I took off the rubber band that bound the album. The first group of pictures was a place I didn't recognize. I continued through the album recognizing people from my childhood. One person I recognized but have never met. He passed away before I was born. I continued to turn the pages only to see so many people that are gone. These are people who were my family. People who cared about me, loved me. I have no idea where this album came from. I was flooded with memories of these people, my family. There were only five people in the entire album that are still alive today. Five. Who will remember all of these people when I'm gone? Our memories go with us. I thought of my granny. My heart aches for her. These were her siblings, her aunt, her parents, her daughter. She wouldn't like me to spread any of her business...or to blog about it. I love her so much and I can't imagine what she has had to endure. Just looking at this one album has really tugged at my heart. I'll cherish this album forever. I still have no idea where it came from. I think my name written on the front is Granny's handwriting. I can't remember her ever giving this to me. Isn't it cool when God gives you things, or let's you see them? At just he perfect time. His time is always perfect. 

I'm the baby in the picture attached. My mother is holding me. Granny is behind mom. Grandma and grandpa (granny's parents) are to the left. And to the right of my mom is my uncle Rick. He was granny's brother. Only me and Granny left from this picture. I'm so thankful for my Granny. I have no idea where I'd be if it weren't for her. The greatest person I've ever known. 

Dec11 Dwight Yoakam

It's been a while since I've blogged.  I'm not 100% sure why.  Maybe I don't have anything to talk about.  Maybe I have so much that I've just needed to sort it out in my head.  Maybe I've just been busy.  This is a season filled with holidays, family, friends, thankfulness, and cheer. 

Facebook: I haven't been on FB much in the last few months.  Life is much nicer without everyone else's drama. We each have enough going on in our own lives not to worry about some one else's.  I used to like FB and tell people that it was a good opportunity to pray for people you know, and to spread good memes and positive thoughts.  There's a lot of garbage on there.  It's nice to step away from all of that for a while.  I have missed everyone's daily things they are thankful for in November.  I've missed not seeing the pictures of people's decorated Christmas trees. I don't think I've missed much else.  There's always someone fighting on there.  Somebody blocked so and so.  Drama. Drama. 

Thanksgiving: For Thanksgiving I went to my Granny's house.  I'm glad that we decided last minute to do that.  I love going out to my Granny's.  We had laughs, chats, and more food than we could eat.  I missed not seeing Chelsea and Danielle on Thanksgiving. This is the first year I've not had either of them.  Desi and I decided that we needed to find Mom's Thanksgiving table runner.  The Thanksgiving runner...that makes me smile.  Mom loved Thanksgiving and Christmas.  She over decorated each year.  It was her "thing". :)  One year she made a table runner for thanksgiving.  Every person that came to Thanksgiving at Mom's had to wrote on the runner.  We had to write what we were thankful for, our name, and the year.  I looked for the runner in the boxes with Mom's place mats and chargers, nothing.  I looked in the box with the Thanksgiving China.  I found the silverware we used to use, but not the runner.  I saw a box that said "Darla, Desi, Danielle - open at Christmas together".  It was my handwriting.  I didn't remember this box or writing that on there.  I had to peek.  I cut through all the tape.  When I opened the box, I was on the phone with Desi.  Mom's gold Christmas chargers were stacked neatly in the center of the box.  Beside them there was a zip-lock bag with a light brown material in it.  On the bag was written "Thanksgiving table runner".  I wept softly.  I wasn't in the mood to be thankful.  Mom would have been disappointed because there is always SOMETHING to be thankful for. All of that, and who forgot to take the runner to Thanksgiving? *sigh* Meh.  Maybe wasn't supposed to be there this year.  It has been in that box almost 3 years now.  It'll go back in there until next year.

I did my last (for a while) photography shoot Saturday.  I'm thankful for the break, but also sad.  I really love capturing people. I really love it.  I haven't had a break from it in almost 5 years.  It's probably going to be weird to not have any shoots scheduled and no editing to do. Free time in the evening is not something I've had in a very long time.

My mom would have been disappointed that I waited until the week of Christmas to put up my tree...again this year.  I'm so very thankful that Granny bought me a little tree last year.  It made it not seem to be as big of a task. Without kids, it's seems a bit ridiculous to put up a big ole tree.  I'm not like my mom.  I don't have the time or the desire to put up 4-5 Christmas trees like she did. That was ridiculous in my opinion anyway.  She was so good at Christmas.  She would work with all the grandkids for a month preparing a Christmas play.  Those were so much fun.  Every year the tree in the sitting room was filled with memories.  Each of us had several ornaments that we had to put on the tree ourselves...yes even as adults.  That tree was the biggest one in the house. That tree was put up on The Saturday after Thanksgiving every year. Mom did all the other trees herself.  The other ones were like specialty trees, I guess. My favorite one was the one in the upstairs hallway.  It was a small tree, may be 3 foot. It was decorated in light pink, white and silver. The ornaments consisted of angels, balls, ribbons and bows.  My mother would hand make all of the bows on all of the trees.  I am not sure why that one was my favorite.  I think maybe it looked soft and sweet, maybe that was because of the colors she used.  I've never told anyone that I loved that tree. I sat the other day looking at my decorated tree and thought of two things: 1) I did it wrong all these years, and 2) I wish I had one of those angels from Mom's upstairs tree to hang on it.  My tree is different this year.  I picked out all of the memorable stuff.  I hung memories on the tree. I'm missing some because I didn't get down the boxes from the attic.  Mom's big tree in the sitting room had some amazing memories on it.  I wish I knew where those ornaments were.  I hope that box didn't go in the donation pile when we cleaned out her house.  There were wedding ornaments, birth ornaments, first Christmas ornaments, kindergarten ones, hand made grandkid ones, ugly ones, crocheted ones, and so many more.  We each had to hang the ornaments the represented our lives.  I had to hang my 1977 one.  I had one that was a one eyed reindeer that I made in kindergarten.  Those are the two I can remember most.  I have a few things on my tree that used to be on that tree.  The Christmas before Mom died, she sat down and went through important Christmas stuff that she wanted us to take right then.  I didn't feel like we should because Mom wasn't gone.  She was very sick, but not gone yet.  She insisted.  I remember that she gave me Little Granny's hand crocheted ornaments.  They are on my tree this year.  Little Granny was my Gramp's grandmother.  She was my great-great-grandmother.  Many people don't get the opportunity to meet their great-great-grandparents.  I think next year I will do it much differently.  Next year My tree will be only memory ornaments.  Mine of course wont be as extravagant as my mother's was.  I think that comes with age.  The older we get the more memories we collect. That's the way life works, right? :)

California:  I recently went to California for the first time.  I've always been neutral about California, not desire to go, but no reason not to.  A couple months ago my boyfriend had asked if I had any shoots on the weekend December 11-13th.  I did not.  He told me to mark off those days and that he was taking me somewhere.  Told me that I would need to be ready to leave work at 11am on the 11th which was a Friday. He said it was a surprise and never told me one detail or hint.  I assumed we were going to Wimberly for the weekend since we had talked about that before.  I never questioned him.  Friday the 11th was kind of a tough day.  It marked one month until surgery.  I didn't tell anyone that it was on my mind.  At 11am, he drove us to the airport.  That kind of ruled out my Wimberly assumption.  He handed me the boarding pass and told me that we were going to Dallas but that it was not our destination. We had a beer and some hot dogs at the airport at Earl Campbell's Sports Bar.  I had eaten there before.  The flight was short and uneventful.  When we landed in Dallas, he handed me my boarding pass and asked where we were going.  It said Los Angeles.  That's odd. He told me that was not our final destination, and that we would be renting a car a driving to where we were going.  Friday when we left he did tell me that the activity we would be doing on Friday night was something I've always wanted to do. *shrugs* We played a word game together on our flight there. Anyway, so we get to LA, and go to the rental car place.  I stood back a little.  He was very adamant with the rental guy about a car he had reserved.  The guy fixed the problem, and we went out to a brand new Lincoln MKX.  I super love these cars.  I'm too cheap to ever own one, but they are really nice.  I was impressed with the heated steering wheel. Uh yeah. Seriously. Anyway, we drove about 45 minutes.  It was already dark, so didn't get to see any of the scenery.  (Side note: We both really enjoy old buildings and their history)  He pointed and said, "That's where we are going" as we pulled up at this super old building with a long line of people out side. The building was beautiful.  Early 1900's.  The architecture was incredible. I told him this.  I don't always catch on immediately.  He actually had to say, "I wonder who's playing".  We were driving slowing and I read the marque "Dec11 Dwight Yoakam".  This is my absolute all time favorite male vocalist, and I think he is super sexy.  I think it's more of how mysterious he is, that's probably because he keeps his hat low and his head down.  I enjoy watching him dance a lot, and his voice is absolutely awesome!!  I was so excited reading that marque that I may have squealed. We parked a few blocks down and head to the line to get in.  The building was so detailed and gorgeous.  It was the Ventura Theater.  Stunning architecture. We were in the balcony.  We were at the rail, so we were able to see quite well.  The show was incredible! He played new stuff, old stuff, and two songs from other artists.  His voice is just awesome. I could listen to him all day.  He danced, he played several guitars, and sang his little hiney off. He is a fantastic performer. I was wowed to say the least.  After the show we drove about 15 minutes to a town called Santa Paula.  The hotel was beyond anything I can describe.  It was perfect.  Built in the early 1900's, huge fireplace in the sitting area, enormous windows, warm deep colors every where.  There aren't enough words to describe it.  We stayed at Glen Tavern Inn. Google it.
Saturday morning we went to have breakfast at a local Mexican restaurant.  I don't remember the name. Then we went to all of the little antique shops downtown.  Then we drove around and saw a lot of orchards around that town.  I had never seen an orchard before.  I experienced lots of firsts during this trip.  I think he prides himself on introducing me to new things.  Early afternoon we headed to Ventura to see the beach and to drive on the coastal highway.  I think it was Highway 1.  We went to Ventura Beach and walked out on these huge rocks.  We walked all the way to the end.  We watched the waves crash over the rocks for a while, looked at the mountains, and just enjoyed the weather.  It was so beautiful.  We went back and walked the beach to the next long set of rocks.  There were a lot of rocks on the beach.  They looked out of place.  They were like randomly placed river rocks of all colors.  They were all flat rocks.  We took one. We walked back to the car and drove to a nearby restaurant to have an early dinner and a couple of beers.  They didn't have the beer he likes anywhere we went, so he tried lots of different beers.  He ordered a buffalo burger.  It was my first time to try one.  I didn't really care for it. I had a shrimp taco. It was a cute little place.  The waitress asked where we were from after hearing me talk (she was able to guess). We chatted with her for a while about Texas.  She had been once...to Amarillo for a baseball game.  We stayed there for a few hours and headed back to Santa Paula.  We found a little bar near the hotel that was built in the early 1900s.  We went there for a short while and then headed to our hotel. 
Sunday we went and had breakfast because he likes to drink coffee.  I don't like coffee at all. We ate and headed south.  We drove through Ventura again.  It is such a beautiful town with really cool beach houses, shops, and old buildings.  We stopped to have some lunch in Malibu because, come on...we were there, so might as well.  I sometimes like to do things just to say I did them.  Now I can say that I've had lunch in Malibu. We went to V's Restaurant and Bar.  The waitress asked if we'd like a Bloody Mary.  Well, sure! I've never had one before.  It was not my favorite.  It had a lot of stuff floating in it...spices and such.  We shared a salmon burger and fries.  After that we went for a walk on the beach in Malibu.  There were more of those flat rocks.  We took one from Malibu Beach as well.  We hung out there for a while just taking it all in.  Then we headed to LA to the airport.  We found a little sports bar where he could watch football while we waited for the plane.  We didn't land in Austin until Sunday at 10 or 11pm.  At all the little places we went to, we would look up the history on the building/business.  We learned so many cool things while we were there.  It was such a fabulous trip.  I still can't believe that it happened. 

I only have a few more weeks until surgery.  We just changed insurances at work.  Really inconvenient right now since I was already pre-approved for the surgery with the Human Insurance.  I am going to have to rush to get all the info to the doctors and such.  I already have one pre-prescription that has to picked up before the end of the year just in case the new insurance cant get the prescription part done in time. I was worried about having to pay two deductibles, but looks like it will only be one. Whew *wipes brow* I'm still not scared.  Nervous, but not scared.  I already have two nurses that will come by to change bandages.  The hospital will show me and my family how to empty the drains before I leave the hospital.  I already had all of my pre-operation appointments.  I have my schedule of the people that will be staying with me for the first two weeks.  I feel as prepared as I can be.  Now, I just breathe and do this one day at a time.  I have a lot of prepping to do at work, and a lot of things to teach other people to do while I'm gone.  Just breathing. I have so many people that are willing to step up and help.  I'm lucky to know each of them.  I'm not sure how I will heal or how I will feel afterwards, but I'm beyond thankful for the support team that I have.  People that don't give up.  People that are willing to change bandages or whatever I need during the down time. People that have stopped their lives to help me function with some sort of dignity during this healing period. What an awesome gift that God has given me.  I am blessed beyond measure.

That's all I've got for now.  I hope any one reading this has a very Merry Christmas.  Remember to be kind to people.  The holidays are very hard for some people. 
~Darla

Do not be afraid

These last few weeks have been a little tough.  It's October now.  October is breast cancer awareness month.  My son changes his baseball cleat laces to pink ones for October.  He wears a sweat band with my mothers name written on the inside. I know he's just a kid, and this is his only way he can single handedly support awareness. I love him.  He's obnoxious and beyond silly, but he makes my heart smile. 

I miss my mom and wish she could be here with me through this.  I had an appointment with the surgeon that will remove the breast tissue in my upcoming surgery. That was almost two weeks ago.  I also got a call last Thursday that did not put my mind at ease.  When I met with the surgeon, we discussed the other appointments that had to done before the surgery can be scheduled.  There are four appointments. I get anxious and nervous when I have so many doctor's appointments, and I don't like missing work. So, I asked the scheduler to make all of the appointments for the same day.  I am really starting to get nervous or maybe anxious about these appointments.  I'm trying to bury myself in work and keep busy so that I don't think about it. 

When I woke up this morning, I felt very alone.  I felt nervous.  I wished I had mom to talk to.  I wept.  I miss her.  That doesn't go away.  You can't explain it to anyone.  You would think that with time, you would quit having the cry fits from missing someone who passes away.  I guess I'm not there yet.  There is jealousy too.  I get jealous of my friends, coworkers, and acquaintances that still have their moms.  I know it's silly to want to mom to go with me to these appointments, but she would have been there. I would have never gone to an appointment alone.  I'm jealous of the girls of the BRCA group who's moms will be there with them when they have surgery.  I know that I have people that will be there with me. I have some close friends that refuse to not be there, my kids, my grandma, some friends from church, etc.  I don't really need anyone there since I'll be sleeping, but oh what I would give to wake up from surgery and see my mom's face.  I would love to wake up from surgery to hear her voice, saying "I was right here with you, Baby.  You did just fine". That's what I was thinking about when I woke up this morning.  It's really hard emotionally...all of this.  It's my decision alone.  I just hope having this BPM and oophorectomy is the best choice.  I keep thinking if someone handed my a lottery ticket and said that it had an 87% change of being a winner that I'd be pretty confident it was a winner.  Breast cancer is not the kind of thing you want to have an 87% chance of winning.

The appointments are set for October 6th.  Tuesday. Next Tuesday.  Four days from today. My stomach is in knots.  I will go in early morning to imaging for my very last mammogram. Immediately after that, I report to have an MRI of both breasts. Then I report to the doctor that will be removing my ovaries for the last time.  In the afternoon, I will see the reconstructive surgeon.  There are several things that I'm worried about.  The mammogram doesn't bother me except for the fact that it's terribly uncomfortable and usually leaves my chest muscles and tissue sore/tender.  If the MRI comes back clear, then we can schedule the surgery.  If there is any tissue that looks questionable then we will move on to tissue testing. If there is cancerous tissue, I will have to begin chemo.  That would be worst case scenario. The only reason I feel worried about this is because my mother was so young.  When she was diagnosed at 47 with breast cancer.  At 49 it was stage 4 breast cancer which metastasized.  It had spread.  It was in her bones.  Watching her suffer in pain was beyond the worst thing I ever experienced.  Her slow, painful death was excruciating to watch.  I'm almost I am only 10 years younger than she was when she was diagnosed.  I'm willing to accept that God is in control, even if the results are not clear for the MRI. I would be able to catch this really early, and hopefully survive it.  I would never want my kids to see me the way I had to watch mom suffer. 

I am on the fence about meeting with the reconstructive surgeon again.  See, I've seen several people in the BRCA groups talk about this fairly new, less popular surgery.  It is only one surgery.  I wouldn't have to go back for the exchange 3 months later.  No expanders, minimal drains.  I talked with the doctors that will be removing the breast tissue.  They said to mention it to the reconstructive surgeon because both doctors would have to be on board with this. This will still be difficult and same recovery time, but it's all at once.  I am really hoping that I am a candidate for this option.  It is not as popular because of how long you are under.  It could potentially be a 8-10 hours surgery and that's a long time to be under. The other thing is that there is no time to stretch the muscle to put the implant under the muscle.  I don't like the way they look on top of the muscle, but they can do fat grafting to make them look more natural, and use cadaver skin to create a secure resting place for the implants. People with larger breasts are not typically candidates for this surgery from what I understand.  I will talk to the reconstructive surgeon to see if I am a candidate.  The only thing that really I have to talk to the doctor about that is removing my ovaries is that I want to know if there are alternatives for menopause once he removes my ovaries.  I know that I won't be able to take any hormones especially since my mom's breast cancer was hormone related (according to her medical records as per my doctor's information), so I wonder if there will be other options for me...maybe some natural options, healthier without having to put a bunch of chemicals in my body.  I am thankful to be getting all of the appointments done in one day, but I'm still very nervous.  I'm scared, and I wish my mom was going with me to tell me that it'll all be ok, no matter what the results of the MRI. 

I'm not sure how to feel.  It really stinks to be alone with all of this stuff going through my mind.  Just have to breathe through it, and do it one day at a time.  The phrase "Do not be afraid" is written 365 times in the Bible. Coincidence?  I think not.  One time for every day of the year.  I like that. 

Thrive...we shall see.

It's been a while since I've blogged, about a month.  I think this blog will actually be my Thrive Experience testimony.


My weight:  There was a time I was considered obese. I am 5'1".  I weighed 195lbs at my heaviest. My problem was that I ate crap food all the time, and quit exercising. I have talked about this in a previous blog, so we will skip ahead. I was always a runner. I love running.  I don't care for meat.  I don't like the tearing part.  I think meat feels barbaric on my teeth, and it's just not for me, so diets are really hard for me.  I wouldn't say that I battle with my weight.  I would say that I don't like my body.  Never have.  I think that is how most women feel. We will skip forward and talk about where I am at today.  Right now I stay between 145-150lbs.  I have been since probably September/October of last year. Even though I haven't gained any weight since losing 40 lbs last fall, I feel like I fell off the wagon.

My lifestyle:  Let's go back to almost 3 months ago. For this to make sense, you have to know a little about my day to day life. I would get up around 4:00am.  Sometimes I would lay in bed until 4:30 or 5:00.  I am a morning person, so most of the time 4am just worked for me.  I would get to work between 5-6am.  I could get a lot of work done before the doors opened, customers came in, and the phones start ringing off the hook.  I work in a very busy, high volume service department at a Ford dealership in Austin. I would leave work around 5-7pm.  There are days that I would work until 9pm just to get caught up on particular projects.  I was taking B12 for energy and still drinking a ton of soda.  My day consisted on one B12 first thing in the morning, a monster for breakfast, fast food for lunch, no dinner, and 6-10 sodas per day.  Remember that I also do photography on the side, so I would stay up until midnight some days editing photos. I would drink soda for the awesome pep that the caffeine gave me.  I love Diet Coke. I love the energy that a soda gives me.  I always drink Diet Coke because the sugar in regular soda makes me crash after a while.  So, there I was surviving off of caffeine and B12 most days, and going going going 18-20 hours per day. 

My friend Jana:  Where do I begin with this woman? She is a very active person.  She's a runner.  She has 4 kids and fostered more for years.  She goes to baseball games, works a job, manages a large household and has a fantastic body. Her legs are lean and toned.  Her arms are toned and not flabby at all.  She has a flat tummy, and tons of energy all the time.  Jealous?  Uh, yeah, me too. I've always been so jealous of her body and her energy.   One day, she was telling me about this product that she had been using.  It's called Thrive.  I am skeptical of EVERY thing.  I listened, but dismissed what she was saying because I'm not interested in buying stuff (sorry, Jana).  *wink*  A couple of weeks later she was telling me that this stuff really works, and that her husband had decided to try it.  Her husband and I both work an insane crazy amount of hours.  She said that he was really loving it.  We met a few weeks later for a sit down talk about Thrive.  She gave me a 4 or 5 days sample pack (I can't remember now).  It took me over a week to actually try it.  I didn't feel a difference.  She said that some people don't at first.  I read all over the internet on Thrive trying to find a reason not to try/buy it.  The only negative thing I could find was mostly from people trying the sample pack and not seeing a difference in energy.  I really thought that it was not for me. The more I read, the more I noticed that people who went a head and bought an entire month, and just jumped in were the ones noticing the difference.  After reading tons of blogs, forums, discussion pages, FB pages, Thrive experiences, I found that heavy soda/energy drinkers took longer to feel the effects.  I kept reading about all of these people that had their "wow day". I was having a hard time justifying spending the money on Thrive.  I added up how much I spend on soda and energy drinks.  I would get them out of our vending machine at work.  One monster ($2.50) and on average 7 canned Diet Cokes ($.75 each).  I was spending on average $7.75/day to stay alert all day and have energy.  Wow!  Lets say I was working only 5 days a week (yeah right).  At 5 days per week, I was spending about $155.00 per month on just soda and energy drinks. That was the deciding factor. I decided to go all in and just order an entire month of Thrive.

My Thrive experience:  I got my first order in.  Jana kept calling me.  She would say, "Have you tried it yet?'.  My answer was no for over a week.  She called (or texted) one day to say, "How can you have this awesome product in your mailbox and haven't even tried it?".  She was so excited for me to try this product.  So, game on.  Let's do this.  I took the two vitamins when I woke up, and slapped on my DFT (vitamin patch).  On day three I can remember not being able to sleep at all.  That can't happen because I only get about 4 hours of sleep at night anyway.  Day 4, same thing.  Day 5, I took the DFT off around 10pm.  I slept fine that night.  Maybe this stuff was working?  Hmmmm.  I also noticed on Day 5 that I had not had a soda all day.  If you know me, you know that is NOT normal for me.  I thought this was interesting.  My "wow day" was day 10.  I hadn't had a soda in 5 days, nor had I drank a monster for breakfast.  I just didn't need them. I was driving to work on Day 10, and said out loud, "I feel good.  Actually, I feel really good".  I was excited and ready for the day to begin.  That was when my Thrive Experience began. At some point I began wearing my patch through the night.  I did notice that I woke up easier.  I no longer had days that I would lay in bed for 30min to an hour hitting snooze.  I would describe Thrive as a game changer for sure.  My energy level isn't over the top like with sodas, or energy drinks.  My energy is level ALL day.  I am more alert, less tired.  There is no need for caffeine or energy drinks.  I have had maybe 3 sodas in the last 8 weeks.  I have been using Thrive for 10 weeks now.  I have missed one day of taking my vitamins and putting my patch on.  I will not be doing that again.  I remembered very quickly the tired me.  I love running, walking, and going to the gym but lost the drive to do it.  Three weeks ago I was talking with one of my daughters about walking at night, and we decided to just go. :)  We walk 20 miles per week.  We walk 4 miles per day, 5 days a week.  We love it.  I have the energy to actually do it!  I get home from a 14 hour work day, change my clothes and off we go.  I absolutely love this product and can't say enough about it.  I was very skeptical at first, but now, I'm hooked. I love the level energy that I have all day long.  I love that I pop out of bed at 4am.  I love that I have the energy to walk 4 miles per day.  So, this is my Thrive Experience so far.

People have actually seen a difference in my energy.  They have also noticed that I'm not getting a soda every 2 hours.  This was huge for me in particular.  I have 2 friends that have noticed a change in MY energy, and have recently ordered for themselves.  I'm ecstatic that I decided to "just give it a try".  A very special thanks to my friend, Jana for continuing to push me to go get my Thrive out of the mailbox. :) 

Forgive yourself

It's been a month since my last post.

I have so much I'd like to blog about, but sometimes I feel guilty. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings with my blogs.  I've really been thinking about this. I want to blog everything.  My fears, my loves, my highlights, and my bummed out moments...buuuuut what if someone gets offended?  This blog is public.  So, after thinking about it and praying about it, I decided that I am going to blog whatever I feel like.  :)

This was the entry in my daily devotional of Jesus Calling this morning:
SELF – PITY IS A SLIMY, BOTTOMLESS PIT, Once you fall in, you tend to go deeper and deeper into the mire. As you slide down those slippery walls, you are well on your way to depression, and the darkness is profound.
Your only hope is to look up and see the Light of My Presence shining down on you. Though the Light looks dim from your perspective, deep in the pit, those rays of hope can reach you at any depth. While you focus on Me in trust, you rise ever so slowly out of the abyss of despair. Finally, you can reach up and grasp My hand. I will pull you out into the Light again. I will gently cleanse you, washing off the clinging mire. I will cover you with My righteousness and walk with you down the path of Life.  (reference scripture is: Psalm 40:2-3, Psalm 42:5, and Psalm 147:11)

I enjoy those daily devotionals in that book.  Most of them are applicable to any situation.  I don't have self-pity. I've said before that everything in my life has brought me to the exact place in my life that I am. I fell that this passage can apply to your life in general or a specific trial that you are going through.  I think that sin carries weight.  Most of us pack up a suitcase with our sins, and wrongdoings and carry them around with us. I personally feel that there are three ways to completely release yourself of the guilt/weight of sin. 1. Apologize. Apologies to people that you have wronged are huge.  It allows a release.  It allows open communication to heal from the wound caused by a sin or a wrong doing. James 5:16 says: "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective".  Wow!! Pretty cool, huh?  Here's the second thing: 2. Talk to God. Do not hid from your sin/wrongdoings.  This is going to be shock, but He already knows.  As filthy as sinners are, He still sent His son to die for those.  Think about that for a minute.  Think of a person that you know that maybe you don't like or that you have judged because of their sin.  My example will be Hitler.  Hitler had a lot of people killed.  He treated the Jews terribly, yet God sent His son to die for Hitler as well.  Come to Him.  Come as you are.  You wouldn't believe what a release it is when you feel in your heart that you are forgiven.  When you know that God has forgiven you.  It will bring a cleansing cry for your heart, mind and soul.  Here is my last step in what I think it takes to unpack those suitcases of guilt: 3. Forgive yourself.

I have asked for forgiveness so many times for breaking the vows of my marriage. A little more than three weeks ago I was driving home from work, and praying.  I like to pray in my car where it's nice and quiet.  I do it on my way to work everyday.  This particular day, I prayed peace over the people at my job.  Seems to be a lot of chaos and stress, and that was weighing heavy on me.  Then I apologized to God.  I apologized for being a stumbling block to others.  I apologized for the fact that I was not a person that people would see Jesus in because I broke the vows of my marriage.  I cried hard.  I want people to see Christ in me.  I want people to say, "That girl has Jesus glowing from her".  I haven't felt that I could be that person since I had the affair.  It's been almost 11 months since that happened. I was bawling and apologizing for it again as I had done so many times before.  This time (3+ weeks ago) was different...it was almost audible.  In my heart and soul, I felt the words "I already forgave you".  How can this be?  How can He have already forgiven me? It's because He already knew my sin.  I had already asked for His forgiveness of my wrongdoing.  The week before I had actually apologized (via blog) to an important person affected by my wrong.  So, 3+ weeks ago, I finally forgave myself.  I finally unpacked that suitcase of guilt that I was carrying around. I can't not begin to tell you what a fantastic release that has been. No set backs, no turning back.  I am forgiven! I am no longer carrying that guilt.  I will no longer feel the need to continually confess to people why I am down or drift off in thought.  I'm not down anymore.  I am looking up.  God has got this. I'm not sad or burdened by my affair. It happened.  I can't change it now.  I have needed to release it for so long.  The only thing I can describe it as (which I have said before) is like a balloon. We carry around this balloon (guilt).  It's tied to our wrist.  It gets in the way and is a constant reminder of our sin/wrongdoing.  The balloon (guilt) is constantly there, over your head, tugging at your wrist. God has asked you for the balloon several times, and you reply, "No, it's mine".  You keep carrying that around with you. One day, you decide to trust God to carry that (just as Jesus carried the weight of all sin when on the cross). You let go.  No more tugging at your wrist, no more constant reminder, no more dragging around that guilt.  That the best way I know to describe it.  It allows you to look at yourself again, refocus.  You can love yourself again.  You can smile again. You can breathe deeply.  You can feel worthy of things.  Everyone deserves that release.  Everyone deserves to love themselves.  Everyone deserves to feel God's sunshine and warmth on their face.  Everyone. I feel so very free!  I feel loved, and worthy of love.

It was hard for me when my ex-husband started dating (immediately after our divorce), but I have released that as well.  I am excited for him.  I really hope he is good.  I hope he is able to love freely.  I hope she is everything he ever needed and wanted in a partner/friend. I hope "the one" is nice to him.  I hope his heart can heal through the love of another.  Here is a letter to the person who dates my ex-husband:
Dear woman (couldn't come up with anything else),
The person you are interested in, and may fall in love with is my ex-husband. He's a gentle man.  He will never harm you and will do anything to protect you.  He has a hard time with emotion, but do not fault him for that.  It's the way he is structured.  It's part of what makes him, him. He's rarely angry.  He will sit with you and listen to every word.  He doesn't talk much, so in conversation his contribution is his listening skills. He's quite handy.  He can fix just about anything. He loves deeply, and shows it by being helpful.  He doesn't have to have a list of "things to do".  He just does them. He drifts off in thought a lot, but it's usually about you.  He's a people pleaser, and will go out of his way to diffuse a situation before it can lead to conflict.  Be nice to him.  He doesn't express himself much, but he thoroughly enjoys people who are not mean.  He gets frustrated, but doesn't show it.  He was the man I once loved with everything in me.  Please don't hurt him. He's strong and masculine, but he can be hurt.  Hold his hand, but don't crowd him.  He is not perfect, but neither are you.  Love his faults.  He will let you dig through his phone.  He closes browsers, but does not clear history. Check it. Be sweet to the kids. All of them.  Keep in mind that the two middle children have two mothers (biological and me).  We are quite protective of them.  Don't be upset if he forgets things.  He will make up for it. Last but not least, love him with everything you have. Help him in his life journey.  Help him to be a better man today than he was yesterday. Be an addition to his life, not a an anchor.
Love, Darla

Where does that put me? Where am I at now? Well, I feel forgiven.  Free. Capable of feeling and showing love.  I now feel worthy of love.  I am dating.  The man I've been dating...well...he's nice. He's really nice.  I'm not brave enough to talk much more about him than that.  He makes me smile. I guess somewhere in the last 10+ months, I had forgotten how to genuinely smile.  I'm smiling for me now. I don't feel the weight of that suitcase or balloon.  I have unpacked everything, given it to God, and stepped out into the sunshine. You can't start your life story over, but you can end a chapter and move on to the next one.  You will never feel freedom of your mind and heart if you keep re-reading and trying to edit the last chapter.

Smiling is contagious

I'm an open book.  You can ask me anything and I will give you the honest answer.  I've always said that one should be careful with the questions they ask because you just might get an answer.  Don't set yourself up to receive information you don't want. Don't ask the questions if you have not prepared yourself for the possibility of every answer. I've blogged many times on individuality (or lack there of), viewing life from different perspectives, being you, and your "normal". 

I am honest. I'm sincere.  I'm not mean or hateful. I make excuses for every person in order to justify not being upset with a situation.  For instance, lets say the person driving in front of you is doing 45 in a 55.  That's irritating, huh? What if it's actually a girl who has soup in her front seat that she's taking to her very sick mother, and she's trying to not spill it.  How about the guy in the movies that's texting?  Really, guy?! Well, maybe he just got a text alert from his doctors office about his diagnosis...maybe he was at the movies to just pass the time and try not to worry. Maybe the girl that seemingly hates her job at Sonic this morning is actually just tired from working all three of her jobs to get through college. The old man walking slow that inconvenienced you so much at Walgreens that you had to go down a different isle is just there because he used to pick up his wife's prescriptions before she passed away, and being at Walgreens feels comforting. How about the parents of the young kid on the bike that darted out in front of your car.  Where are his parents? Terrible parenting, right?  What if his father is fighting for our country, and the mother was right there, but the child didn't hear her say to stop. 

I'm not saying to make excuses for everyone you come in contact with.  I am simply saying that maybe we should all think about what possibilities might be going on in other people's lives. None of our lives are the same.  We are all dealing with different situations in our lives. Be patient with each other...you have no idea what their life luggage contains. You don't know what they have to carry with them every day for the rest of their lives.

Be kind.  Say sorry, and mean it. Be honest.  Be helpful.  Pay for someone behind you in the drive through. Be gentle.  Give a homeless person $50 just because.  Be patient. Don't yell. Buy someone's dinner across the restaurant. Be love to others. Be sweet.  Be thoughtful.  Send flowers to someone anonymously.  Smile.  Compliment people.  Tip $100 for no reason at all. Be positive. 

Smiling is contagious. Just smile.

A fat ugly troll

Initially I thought blogging was a good idea for just getting my thoughts out. I have a couple of people who read them that really are just being nosy. I don't mind that at all.  This particular blog is for one of them (specifically). :)

Dear Unnamed,
I'm not going to lie...there are people that I wish would blog so that I could be nosy.  You are NOT one of them.  I really feel terrible that you have nothing better to do than read my blogs, judge me, and run your mouth about me.  Guess what?  I don't care.  It doesn't effect me in the slightest.  I don't care about your judgment.  Not one of us is perfect, and you certainly fall in that same category. Smile, it's ok.  I'm not judging you for it.  You have to do what makes you feel good about yourself. Right?

You call me a fat ugly troll all the time to other people.  Awww. That's really special.  You're vocabulary rarely reflects that you have a college education.  I think it's sad.  I'll have you know that I'm not fat, nor am I a troll.  I am not 100 lbs, and I'm not a size 0, but I'm not fat.  I'm comfortable in my body.  There was a time when I was fat, and you were as well.  I worked hard to lose the weight.  I didn't have weight loss surgery.  I didn't take a magic pill.  I went to the gym 4-5 nights a week for 1-2 hours to work off what I didn't like.  I don't have a perfect body in my eyes, just as you don't in your eyes.  I don't know any woman personally that thinks she has a perfect body. So, I'll sit back and let you call me fat, because frankly, I don't care what your thoughts are about me.  As far as being a troll, I'm not sure where you dreamed that up. The definition of a troll is a mythical, cave-dwelling being depicted in folklore as either a giant or a dwarf, typically having a very ugly appearance.  Well, I am not cave dwelling, giant, dwarflike (well maybe a little short), or ugly.  I'm not beautiful physically.  I'm aware of that.  I accept that. Your heart and the way you treat people is ugly and that ugliness radiates through your skin.  I thought you were pretty, but your hatred, mean demeanor, and mouth has botched my initial opinion on your physical beauty.  Meh, who cares what a fat troll thinks anyway, right? *wink*  My suggestion for you is to spend time reflecting on what actually makes a person beautiful.  Helpful hint: it's never someone else's opinion.

Now, this paragraph is me sincerely apologizing for your life being turned upside down.  I had no intension of ever hurting you.  I never meant for things to turn out the way they did.  You hated your life before, and got "rid of the worst part of your life".  I'm glad that worked out in your favor. I'm so glad that you are now able to move on to greater things.  Good for you.  I really am sorry for the trauma that I caused you and your family.  I'm sure that underneath all of that hard core, mean, tough girl front that you emit, is a very hurt person.  I am sincerely sorry for that hurt.  I realize that my apology doesn't change a thing.  I'm not perfect.  I have never claimed to be.  I have more faults and wrongs than I can list, as does everyone else in this world.  I realize that you  feel that you are never wrong.  I'm sure you've never wronged anyone in your life or so it may seem.  I want you to know that I was hurt in this as well.  I lost everything, and I deserved that without a doubt (that doesn't make it hurt less).  I can tell you that for a while the picture of you sitting on my husband's lap 4 days after our divorce killed me.  It hurt every time I looked at my phone, and I deserved that hurt.  That picture was taken the day before the anniversary of my mother's death.  The timing was horrendous. I was a mess.  I'm sure that makes you happy.  I can understand that you are delighted in knowing that you hurt me as well. I deserve that. 

Your relationship with your ex-husband is your business.  Your relationship with my ex-husband is also your business.  I do not care about the relationships you have.  You have exposed and flaunted your hatred for me.  I don't have a problem with that either.  I am not bothered by your opinion of me.  It doesn't change any thing.  I am by no means cocky, or confident.  I never really have been.  I take life one day at a time.  Some days are good, and some days are not.  I try to keep a positive attitude in hopes that even on the bad days, something good will blossom from it.  If you feel the need, you are more than welcome to contact me via email, phone, FB messenger, or however you'd like. I don't hate you.  I don't even dislike you.  I don't really have an opinion of you since I've only met you that one time.

I hope you find absolute happiness.  I hope that one day you can look back on this and realize that this turning point in your life was towards something grander. I hope that you can forgive the people in your life that hurt you.  I hope that you smile.  I hope that someone enters your life and makes your heart melt every time you see him.  I hope that your heart heals, so that you can love with purity and without fear of being hurt.  I hope your nights aren't sleepless.  I hope you find peace in all of your decisions.  I hope that you learn to love again.