What a whirlwind of events. The last week of my life could be categorized in the top 5 worst weeks of my life.
Monday: We sat in court waiting for our turn to have our divorce papers signed. I told Ricky during this time that this was it. This was his last chance to reconsider the divorce. I'm not sure why I said that. I knew he wasn't going to change his mind. I wept a little. The hardest part was watching him hand over the divorce papers to the court clerk to file. Thus ending the marriage.
Tuesday: some things went down at work that I was not expecting. I made a bad judgment call. As a manger, I thought I was doing the right thing. I was wrong. It did get resolved, but it was just a very hard day.
Wednesday: Well, I had a photography session with a baby who was not in the mood for it. We ended up rescheduling. I went out to my car to discover that my battery had shorted. Lovely. I got a ride home. Got a friend to put a battery in my car. Ricky was in a foul mood and was very upset with who put the battery in my car and proceeded to let me hear his opinion of me until 1am in the morning. I will spare you the details of that conversation. It was ugly. He did ask for my engagement ring back.
Thursday: I woke up at 5am and immediately burst into tears. I sat in the bath tub for 4 hours. I sat there until the water was cold. I felt worthless, empty, and dark. I was okay with just dying right there in the tub...not suicidal, just giving up hope on life. I couldn't understand my emotions. I sat there staring at the scars on my arm, at a past that I thought I had overcome. It doesn't work like that. We carry our past with us to remind us where we came from. I wont get into the details on how I felt, but I can tell you that depression can rear it's ugly head and strike at any moment. It's not a choice. It's a place. It's a deep dark hole in which no one can hear your screams. After 4 hours I suddenly realized that darkness is not of God. I started praying out loud. Bawling and praying. I prayed and prayed. I was texting with a very important person in my life which did help. I finally got out of that bathtub, went to the mirror only to find that I did not recognize the person in the mirror. It was as if I had never seen my face before. It was empty, sad, and it wasn't my face. I sat in my room talking to the picture of my mother. I got up off that floor, got dressed and went to work. I was quiet at work. I hadn't known sadness/depression like that since I was 13-14 (which is by far the worst year most girls have to go through). I tried to stay focused and busy at work. I realized that depression can be taken away only by God. I have always thought of people who experience depression as emotionally diseased. I thought it was a little thing that you carry in your pocket always. I had never really experienced any sort of depression or state of severe sadness like that as an adult. I was honestly scared. But after praying, reading some scripture, and just talking to a couple people. I was able to figure out that it can be a temporary state of extreme sadness. God can lead you out of it IF you let Him. You have to be willing to let go of every emotion, empty yourself and let Him hold you. It was a scary place to be, but I was able to get a whole new view on depression. I can understand on a much smaller level what some of my friends have gone through or are going through with depression. It gave me a understanding of what happens when people hit "rock bottom".
Friday: I went to dinner with 2 girlfriends. I went after that to a bar to meet up with a different girlfriend. I'm a real party animal -- I drank Diet Coke. I thought about visiting my sisters in Granger and maybe going to the little bar next to their house where I have several friends that visit there. I decided to go home to bed instead.
Saturday: I got some chores done around the house, and I managed to blew up the living room TV. Later that evening, a girlfriend and I went to a movie and went out for drinks. She was driving, so I had two beers, and then Diet Coke for the rest of the evening. It was good to get out of the house. It was nice to visit with my girlfriend about nothing in particular. When I got home, I was scrolling through Facebook only to see in my newsfeed...pictures of Ricky with a girl. In one of the pictures she was sitting on his lap. Nice - 4 days after our divorce. That stung. The girl was the ex-wife of the man I had an affair with. The only thing I can hope is that our kids don't see those pictures. Our kids think there is a chance of us dating and reconciling our relationship. I can assure you, that is no longer a possibility. Those pictures were posted for one reason. To hurt people. It worked.
Sunday: I went to Sunday school and over shared, as I most often do when I speak. Later that day, I gave Ricky a final goodbye letter. I can't continue to be friends with him. We are not in a position to do that if he is going to continue to intentionally hurt me, and be ugly. I am FULLY aware of the poor decision that I made. Throwing it in my face every time you drink liquid courage is not necessary. I gave him the letter in an envelope with the engagement ring that he wanted back. We talked for a while. He moved a TV for me since I blew up the one in the living room. He took the letter and ring with him. He did not read it in front of me. It basically said that We can't be friends with the constant intentional hurt that he kept doing. It also said that I made a commitment to the kids (his and mine) to be their parent. I explained that I no longer wanted him to call or text me unless it had something to do with the kids. I told him I would no longer answer texts or phone calls from him that were not about the kids. This was also my way of closure. It was my stand to make a decision and move forward.
Yesterday: The anniversary of my mother's death. I probably don't need to elaborate on my emotions from yesterday. I had my sisters over for pizza. We talked for a couple hours and they left.
I have no idea what my future holds. No one does. We are given one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. That's it. That's all we got...the moment we are in right now. God does not promise us next month, next week, or even tomorrow. We are not guaranteed tonight. You have only the moment you are in right now. Be the you that can inspire others. Be the candle in a dark room. Be nice. Love one another. Choose this moment. Choose happiness.
Matthew 6:34
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
John 13:34
My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.
Special note to readers:
I pretty much blog anything. This is not a gossip column. It's my life in a blog. If you don't like it or you are shocked by my lack of a filter...then I encourage you to not read my blogs. I will probably continue to shock you and talk about things that some people think should not be told. These blogs are my life struggles, and my life highlights. I will tell them all. I'm convinced that God made me like this. At 9 months old I started talking and haven't stopped yet. :)
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Monday, January 19, 2015
Alone.
I dont deny messing up. I dont deny that I made a mistake.
I wasn't worth working it out. That hurts so deeply that there are no words to describe it. I'm not saying that I don't understand why he left me. I do. I didn't want the divorce. I didn't want to sign the affidavit. Took me two trips to the courthouse to have enough courage to do it. Oh how I loved him...still do. That doesn't just stop.
Today is my first day home without him, without his stuff here. Walking in the house wasn't hard. I lost it when I walked into our room and his closet was open...and empty. When I was able to stop crying, I went to the bathroom to go potty only to notice that my toothbrush was the only one in the holder. I lost it again. I started to leave our bedroom and sat near the door to weep. When I thought I was going to be able to compose myself, I looked around our room. Hanging above our bed is our wedding picture. It's the most beautiful picture I've ever seen. I remember that very moment that the photographer snapped that picture. It was the first time we had gotten to really speak to each other since the ceremony. We were out on a ledge, on a beautiful balcony. He was standing directly behind me. I looked over my shoulder and said "now, I'm your wife". A tear ran down his cheek. The picture was taken when I reached to his face to wipe the tear from his cheek.
I'm still sitting in the floor by our bedroom door typing this. I'm gross. I've cried and cried typing this. I've wiped snot and tears on the sleeve of my blazer. I deserve this. I deserve to hurt. I deserve to be alone. Alone. I've never lived alone. Ever. I've always had children or been married. I can't sit here in the house alone.
I should have been a better wife. I could have worked less. I could have quit one of my jobs. I could have done more house work. I could have mowed the yard. I could have taken my son to practice more. I could have not had an affair. I could have done so many things differently. I could have been a better wife. I could have relied on him less to do things. I could have done it all better. I'm not a good wife. Aside from loving him, I guess I didn't do any of it right. I didn't know I wasn't a good wife. I definitely deserve this. It hurts really bad. It hurts so so so much. I knew this day would. I knew I would be crushed the day he actually moved out. I think in a way maybe I thought he wouldn't do it. Maybe somewhere deep inside I thought I was worth staying for. Even though I know this is best for both of us. His heart will never forgive me. He shouldn't have to live like that.
I know I'll survive. I know I'll move on. I know this will one day be behind me. I hope he's ok. I hope only the best for him. He deserves it. Was he the perfect husband? No. No one is. People can love each other so deeply that everything just works and feels right. You can love someone so deeply that your entire body needs them, but not one of us is perfect. Not one. I've had some not so nice responses on my blogs. Got an ugly email. A quick turn off, have a Christian tell you that you're being prayed for and that sin is ugly, and you need your heart cleansed. Yeah, that's awesome. I know I'll be ok. I know he'll be ok. I hope he finds someone a million times better than me. He's a really fantastic guy. I will miss him.
This will be the last time I blog about him. I like blogging because it gets my words out if my head. It helps me sort out my thoughts and emotions. I needed to vent this. And right now, I will get up off this floor. I will move forward. I will not feel sorry for myself, after all, I did this. I deserve this. Yes, it will hurt. Yes, I will be ok. Yes, people are going to continue to judge me. Yes, I'm going to remember God's grace. I'm going to remember that my sin isn't so big that Jesus' blood can't cover. My sin isn't so big that Jesus died for nothing. I'm not the first one in history to have an affair. I certainly won't be the last. I am ending here. I'm getting off the floor, pulling myself together and figure out what's next for my life.
~Darla
Monday, December 22, 2014
Step out of your normal
I am by no means what someone would call "normal". Guess what? No one else is either. There is no normal. There is no set pattern or standard that makes normal. Normal is actually just another word for typical. We are all unique. Not one of us is the same. Our life experiences, choices and circumstances whether negative or positive will help build the person that we will be tomorrow. We are so very different from each other. I think that people in general are like chameleons. Stay with me for a minute on this one. When we are young, we learn to adapt to our living arrangements. Some kids grow up with only one parent which seems "normal" to them. Kids that grow up in poverty feel that is "normal". Life circumstances are what surround us everyday to form a comfort zone. That comfort is what you would call your "normal". The same thing happens when we date, make friends, get married, work, have children. In all of those instances, we are intruding outsiders to our "normal". We conform to a new normal to include the differences in the new person coming into our normal.
There was a movie called The Runaway Bride. It had Julia Roberts and Richard Gere in it. In the movie. Julia Roberts character, Maggie, has left several fiancés at the alter. A New York reporter, Ike, played by Richard Gere, comes to do an interview with Maggie. He meets with her ex-fiancés to find that with each person, Maggie has adjusted her interests to please the fiancé she is with at the time. She is engaged again and set to get married. When Ike digs deeper into learning who Maggie really is, he also fall in love with her. Ike poses as the groom to help Maggie with her fear of getting married. They end up kissing at the wedding rehearsal and pouring out their feelings to each other. The groom punches Ike. Ike and Maggie decide to get married since it's already set up, and of course Maggie leaves Ike at the alter. After Ike's findings for the interview, he tells Maggie that he thinks that she is conforming to someone else's interests and therefore not really knowing who she actually is. After leaving Ike at the alter, Maggie spends time figuring out who she is. See, during the interviews of the ex-fiancés they each told Ike how Maggie liked her eggs...only the answers were all different. The part that I remember most vividly is Maggie sitting at the table with like 10 different kinds of eggs trying them all. She was trying to figure out who she was. She was trying to figure out which eggs she actually preferred. I think in a way that we all do this to some extent. We have to when we combine two people's "normal". We do it whenever we bring a new person into our normal.
My childhood was not amazing. It wasn't what should be called normal. I think that I have made some life choices because of my childhood, and I also think that I made some life choices in spite of my childhood. I think we can all agree that life is hard. We get lost in this world and forget who we are, or maybe we never figure out who we are. I have rescheduled my Mastectomy and oophorectomy for 2016. I have one year before I do that. My divorce will be final in January of 2015. My daughter is an adult, and my son lives with his dad now. This will be the first time I have lived alone. I have always either had children or been married. I want to figure out who I am. I want to try new things. I want to figure out my likes and dislikes. I want to do things that I've never done before. I want to do the things that bring me joy. I have decided to spend the next year of my life working because I enjoy both of my jobs. I am going to take one weekend off each month to just not work. I know, that's crazy for me and totally out of character. I am going to actually write down my bucket list and mark things off. I am going to go to my son's baseball tournaments. I am going to volunteer at the food bank. I am going to volunteer at the soup kitchen in Austin. I am going to hand someone a $100 bill for no reason. I am going to do some traveling, nothing over the top.
This is a list of things that would like to do (most of these I've never done):
There was a movie called The Runaway Bride. It had Julia Roberts and Richard Gere in it. In the movie. Julia Roberts character, Maggie, has left several fiancés at the alter. A New York reporter, Ike, played by Richard Gere, comes to do an interview with Maggie. He meets with her ex-fiancés to find that with each person, Maggie has adjusted her interests to please the fiancé she is with at the time. She is engaged again and set to get married. When Ike digs deeper into learning who Maggie really is, he also fall in love with her. Ike poses as the groom to help Maggie with her fear of getting married. They end up kissing at the wedding rehearsal and pouring out their feelings to each other. The groom punches Ike. Ike and Maggie decide to get married since it's already set up, and of course Maggie leaves Ike at the alter. After Ike's findings for the interview, he tells Maggie that he thinks that she is conforming to someone else's interests and therefore not really knowing who she actually is. After leaving Ike at the alter, Maggie spends time figuring out who she is. See, during the interviews of the ex-fiancés they each told Ike how Maggie liked her eggs...only the answers were all different. The part that I remember most vividly is Maggie sitting at the table with like 10 different kinds of eggs trying them all. She was trying to figure out who she was. She was trying to figure out which eggs she actually preferred. I think in a way that we all do this to some extent. We have to when we combine two people's "normal". We do it whenever we bring a new person into our normal.
My childhood was not amazing. It wasn't what should be called normal. I think that I have made some life choices because of my childhood, and I also think that I made some life choices in spite of my childhood. I think we can all agree that life is hard. We get lost in this world and forget who we are, or maybe we never figure out who we are. I have rescheduled my Mastectomy and oophorectomy for 2016. I have one year before I do that. My divorce will be final in January of 2015. My daughter is an adult, and my son lives with his dad now. This will be the first time I have lived alone. I have always either had children or been married. I want to figure out who I am. I want to try new things. I want to figure out my likes and dislikes. I want to do things that I've never done before. I want to do the things that bring me joy. I have decided to spend the next year of my life working because I enjoy both of my jobs. I am going to take one weekend off each month to just not work. I know, that's crazy for me and totally out of character. I am going to actually write down my bucket list and mark things off. I am going to go to my son's baseball tournaments. I am going to volunteer at the food bank. I am going to volunteer at the soup kitchen in Austin. I am going to hand someone a $100 bill for no reason. I am going to do some traveling, nothing over the top.
This is a list of things that would like to do (most of these I've never done):
- hot air balloon
- go to New York
- skydiving
- zip line
- go on a hike
- snow skiing
- take pictures of lightning
- water skiing
- drive a boat
- wear a tutu
- ride a city bus
- ride on a train
- ride a subway
- see the Redwood Forest
- fly to Washington and see my friend Sarah
- take my sisters to Vegas
- go on an Alaskan cruise
- see Niagra Falls
- go camping
- kayaking
- dance in a rainstorm
- see the Grand Canyon
- go to a major league sporting event
- do a 5K
- go on an off shore fishing trip
- pet an alligator
- explore Texas sites
Monday, December 8, 2014
Judge me if you feel the need
I haven't blogged in a while because I really didn't know what to say about things going on in my life. I spent quite a bit of time crying, analyzing, and being consumed by work. When I get upset, I tend to hide. I have several things that are typical of me when I'm having a tough time. I bury myself with work. I sit in the floor of my kitchen and cry with my back in the corner of the cabinets. I pray a lot. I sit and look at the picture of my mother that was at her service. I talk to it. I have friends, but they're busy, and I don't want to burden people with my life complains. I try to keep in mind that tomorrow is another day. It's hard to remember that each chapter in your life does have an ending. As humans, it is in our nature to worry and fret. It's so very hard not to. That's when I feel that the praying, crying and burying my self with work will help until the moment, day or life chapter is over.
This is not the place for this, but I am an open book. I always have been. I am going to blog about the chapter in my life that is closing. This will shock people, and this will upset some. I just think that if my life story can help one person that It was all worth it. I don't necessarily think that my life is anyone's business, and I certainly don't think that my life deserves anyone's judgment. I am not a judgmental person. People have to answer for their own actions. I care about people and want the best for them, and I don't have to agree with their choices. No matter what choices a person makes, I have no right to judge them. God has plans for each of us. When we make poor choices we have to believe that we can turn to God and the he can make good things out of it. He can redirect us. He can guide us back, but we have to keep our eyes on Him.
November of 2013 I was told that I have a BRCA2 gene mutation (Google it or read my previous blogs). When that happened, I took my time deciding what was best for my life. I opted to schedule a double mastectomy (removal of breasts) and an oophorectomy (removal of ovaries). I've had many doctors appointments in the past year. My grandma went to one with me. My husband went to one. I went to the others alone. I really wanted my husband there. I wanted him to want to be there. I felt that he started distancing himself from me. Emotionally and physically he became withdrawn from me. I would cry, and he would not respond. In the beginning he did, but something changed. I would cry and he would get more distant. I was having such a hard time doing this without my mother. I would have days that I missed her so very much. I've cried knowing that she won't be there to hold my hand before I go into surgery. I needed my husband to be there for me. I needed him to try to understand. I needed him to hold me when I was sad. I couldn't understand what changed. I even wrote him letters telling him that I really needed him, and explained how. I work in the automotive industry, so my work friends are mostly guys. I talked to two of them about my surgery...I shouldn't have had personal conversations with people at work. I know better than that. Work and home are to be kept separated. These are not my friends, they are coworkers. That's hard to remember when you spend 10 hours a day with people. I messed up. I had an affair. I could sit here and type out why. I could tell each step that happened that led up to, but there is nothing that justifies my actions. I could tell you how he actually asked about an appointment that my husband forgot about. I could tell you that he hugged me when I began to cry about missing my mother. I could tell you about the conversations we had in which I thought I was just venting to a friend. I can tell you that I had no idea it would become what it did. I can't justify that I had an affair. I can't. It was wrong. I cried a lot from guilt. I felt horrible. When our spouses found out they both wanted a divorce. I believe his wife filed before it happened. Our spouses started talking to each other. They even met for drinks one night. My husband filed for divorce shortly after finding out. I was 100% in the wrong. Our one time affair wasn't worth damaging two families. I can't take it back. I am so very sorry. I know this will shock people. I am not a cheater. This is so unlike me. I know my mother would be disappointed. I know that I have shamed my family. I know that I hurt my kids. I think about it EVERY day. I know that I am a horrible person, and made an irreversible and destructive choice. I know that. I understand my husband wanting a divorce. I broke him. I destroyed his heart. I feel awful. I love that man so very much. Things were already getting rough with us with the emotional and physical separation. When my son moved out in July we (ricky and I) realized that we have nothing in common. Nothing. Looking back, it's possible that we got married out of convenience. We wanted the best for our children and I feel that we did that. Our children have close relationships, and will remain that way for the rest of their lives. I know that we didn't make a mistake getting married...I think that we could have been married forever. Ricky said recently that he didn't think we were happy. He said that he thought we were comfortable. I feel like that's the same thing. I could be totally wrong.
You are welcome to judge me if you feel the need. I have beat myself up about this for 2 months now. I can never take it back. I can never right my wrong. I admit that I messed up. I admit that I ruined all of this. You can judge, you can email me, you can text ugly things to me. you can do whatever you feel necessary to "give me your opinion" on my life. I am not proud of what I did. I assure you of that. I really hope that this blog helps someone...I don't know how that's possible. I also think it's good to just get this off my chest. It's a horrible secret to keep. I live in a tiny town where people know every time I pass gas, and they insist on letting everyone else know. I am sure this won't take long to make to the front page of the local paper. But, I'm not going to sit back and pretend to be perfect or without sin. Not one of us is perfect. Again, feel free to tell me what a horrible person I am. I actually deserve whatever befalls me.
I am not going to lie and say this is not the most uncomfortable blog I've ever written. I'm so very sorry for hurting people. I am sorry for those of you I disappointed, and let down. I have failed many people with my action and my choice. I decided to cancel my surgery. I will reschedule for January 2016 in hopes that my life will not be as chaotic then, and I can plan better for the surgery. My divorce will be final the beginning of January, and that's a week before the surgery was scheduled. I'm just not prepared to take all of that on at the same time. I so very sorry if you are one of the people that I let down and disappointed.
I have no idea what is next for my life, but this chapter is closing.
This is not the place for this, but I am an open book. I always have been. I am going to blog about the chapter in my life that is closing. This will shock people, and this will upset some. I just think that if my life story can help one person that It was all worth it. I don't necessarily think that my life is anyone's business, and I certainly don't think that my life deserves anyone's judgment. I am not a judgmental person. People have to answer for their own actions. I care about people and want the best for them, and I don't have to agree with their choices. No matter what choices a person makes, I have no right to judge them. God has plans for each of us. When we make poor choices we have to believe that we can turn to God and the he can make good things out of it. He can redirect us. He can guide us back, but we have to keep our eyes on Him.
November of 2013 I was told that I have a BRCA2 gene mutation (Google it or read my previous blogs). When that happened, I took my time deciding what was best for my life. I opted to schedule a double mastectomy (removal of breasts) and an oophorectomy (removal of ovaries). I've had many doctors appointments in the past year. My grandma went to one with me. My husband went to one. I went to the others alone. I really wanted my husband there. I wanted him to want to be there. I felt that he started distancing himself from me. Emotionally and physically he became withdrawn from me. I would cry, and he would not respond. In the beginning he did, but something changed. I would cry and he would get more distant. I was having such a hard time doing this without my mother. I would have days that I missed her so very much. I've cried knowing that she won't be there to hold my hand before I go into surgery. I needed my husband to be there for me. I needed him to try to understand. I needed him to hold me when I was sad. I couldn't understand what changed. I even wrote him letters telling him that I really needed him, and explained how. I work in the automotive industry, so my work friends are mostly guys. I talked to two of them about my surgery...I shouldn't have had personal conversations with people at work. I know better than that. Work and home are to be kept separated. These are not my friends, they are coworkers. That's hard to remember when you spend 10 hours a day with people. I messed up. I had an affair. I could sit here and type out why. I could tell each step that happened that led up to, but there is nothing that justifies my actions. I could tell you how he actually asked about an appointment that my husband forgot about. I could tell you that he hugged me when I began to cry about missing my mother. I could tell you about the conversations we had in which I thought I was just venting to a friend. I can tell you that I had no idea it would become what it did. I can't justify that I had an affair. I can't. It was wrong. I cried a lot from guilt. I felt horrible. When our spouses found out they both wanted a divorce. I believe his wife filed before it happened. Our spouses started talking to each other. They even met for drinks one night. My husband filed for divorce shortly after finding out. I was 100% in the wrong. Our one time affair wasn't worth damaging two families. I can't take it back. I am so very sorry. I know this will shock people. I am not a cheater. This is so unlike me. I know my mother would be disappointed. I know that I have shamed my family. I know that I hurt my kids. I think about it EVERY day. I know that I am a horrible person, and made an irreversible and destructive choice. I know that. I understand my husband wanting a divorce. I broke him. I destroyed his heart. I feel awful. I love that man so very much. Things were already getting rough with us with the emotional and physical separation. When my son moved out in July we (ricky and I) realized that we have nothing in common. Nothing. Looking back, it's possible that we got married out of convenience. We wanted the best for our children and I feel that we did that. Our children have close relationships, and will remain that way for the rest of their lives. I know that we didn't make a mistake getting married...I think that we could have been married forever. Ricky said recently that he didn't think we were happy. He said that he thought we were comfortable. I feel like that's the same thing. I could be totally wrong.
You are welcome to judge me if you feel the need. I have beat myself up about this for 2 months now. I can never take it back. I can never right my wrong. I admit that I messed up. I admit that I ruined all of this. You can judge, you can email me, you can text ugly things to me. you can do whatever you feel necessary to "give me your opinion" on my life. I am not proud of what I did. I assure you of that. I really hope that this blog helps someone...I don't know how that's possible. I also think it's good to just get this off my chest. It's a horrible secret to keep. I live in a tiny town where people know every time I pass gas, and they insist on letting everyone else know. I am sure this won't take long to make to the front page of the local paper. But, I'm not going to sit back and pretend to be perfect or without sin. Not one of us is perfect. Again, feel free to tell me what a horrible person I am. I actually deserve whatever befalls me.
I am not going to lie and say this is not the most uncomfortable blog I've ever written. I'm so very sorry for hurting people. I am sorry for those of you I disappointed, and let down. I have failed many people with my action and my choice. I decided to cancel my surgery. I will reschedule for January 2016 in hopes that my life will not be as chaotic then, and I can plan better for the surgery. My divorce will be final the beginning of January, and that's a week before the surgery was scheduled. I'm just not prepared to take all of that on at the same time. I so very sorry if you are one of the people that I let down and disappointed.
I have no idea what is next for my life, but this chapter is closing.
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Shank them like it's a jailbreak attempt
Today I meet with the plastic surgeon at 4:00. She said the next time that I see her to bring pictures of good boobs and bad boobs according to my Google searches. :) I have them in my phone. I am not gonna lie it was awkward when Brian (my 12 year old son) went to use my phone, and the web pages that were up were boobies. He said, "Uuuhhh, mom, there's a lot of boobs on here." Hahahahaaa! I told him why, and he understood. I showed him some of the "bad" boobs so that he understood what was scaring me. I remember the day I first told him about being BRCA+ and what it meant. I let him ask what questions he felt he needed the answers to. He asked a couple of questions, and that was it. It's been 18 months since the "spot" was detected in my left breast. It's been 10 months since I was diagnosed as BRCA2+. About a month ago, when Brian saw the boob images on my phone, he decided to ask some questions.
It was so much easier to explain the surgery to my 20 year old daughter. She's a grown up (sort of) and she's a girl. Trying to explain this to my 12 year old son...whole different ballgame (this was about a week before his 13th birthday). He asked if I was scared. He asked what they do in the surgery. He asked what happens after the surgery. He asked if it would look like the pictures on my phone. My first response to him was, "Brian, this is all medical. This isn't about boobs. I can explain this to you. Are you okay with hearing about your mom's boobs? I understand that might seem weird." He thought for a second, "and said yeah, I'm fine. I want to know what's going to happen". My next question (so very awkward for me) was, "Are you oaky with me using the word nipple?". I couldn't think of a way to explain this without using that word. Maybe I'm the weird one, but that's just not a word I have grown up hearing in conversation. His response: Mom, every body has nipples. He wasn't weird. He wasn't grossed out. I explained each step of the surgery, why I chose to have it done, that I didn't want to the possibility of seeing me go through what Nanny (my mom) did. He had questions, and we chatted for about 45 minutes about it. I'll admit that I had been nervous for some time about talking to him about it. I just wasn't looking forward to trying to have a mature conversation about boobs with my 12 year old boy. He didn't giggle even once. :)
I was accepted to a private FB group for BRCA positive people. The support of others that understand has been so good for me. I have learned that the mixed emotions, the rollercoasters are totally normal. Other women are experiencing doubt in their decisions for a day or so. They experience days with lots of cry fests. They experience anger, confusion, and blah days. It's private, so we all just throw it out there, our fears, our experiences. It's nice to be part of a group that will be honest, and support you, and wont say "well, at least you'll have perky boobs when your old". If I have to hear one more person say that...I'm going to shank them like it's a jailbreak attempt.
I have my appointment at 4:00 today....I don't get as much work done as I'd like to on the days that I have appointments. I just have a lot on my mind on those days. I have a lot of quiet time those days. Today will not be any different. I will work getting some old stuff off my desk. I will barely speak. I will leave work an hour before my appointment. I will arrive 30 minutes early and read magazines in the lobby. I will feel better when talking to the doctor. I will go to my car and cry for about 15 minutes, wipe my snot on my shirt and drive home. I will spend the evening editing photography stuff and staying to myself. This is what happens on the days of my appointments. It's a routine I have fallen into. I have no idea why. I really like the doctor that I will see today.. She is the one that I mentioned in a previous blog that was my height, so I felt an automatic connection to her. And yes, I realize that is strange, but so am I. :) She makes me feel like no matter what, she gonna give me some boobs that won't later plot against me. She's great.
It was so much easier to explain the surgery to my 20 year old daughter. She's a grown up (sort of) and she's a girl. Trying to explain this to my 12 year old son...whole different ballgame (this was about a week before his 13th birthday). He asked if I was scared. He asked what they do in the surgery. He asked what happens after the surgery. He asked if it would look like the pictures on my phone. My first response to him was, "Brian, this is all medical. This isn't about boobs. I can explain this to you. Are you okay with hearing about your mom's boobs? I understand that might seem weird." He thought for a second, "and said yeah, I'm fine. I want to know what's going to happen". My next question (so very awkward for me) was, "Are you oaky with me using the word nipple?". I couldn't think of a way to explain this without using that word. Maybe I'm the weird one, but that's just not a word I have grown up hearing in conversation. His response: Mom, every body has nipples. He wasn't weird. He wasn't grossed out. I explained each step of the surgery, why I chose to have it done, that I didn't want to the possibility of seeing me go through what Nanny (my mom) did. He had questions, and we chatted for about 45 minutes about it. I'll admit that I had been nervous for some time about talking to him about it. I just wasn't looking forward to trying to have a mature conversation about boobs with my 12 year old boy. He didn't giggle even once. :)
I was accepted to a private FB group for BRCA positive people. The support of others that understand has been so good for me. I have learned that the mixed emotions, the rollercoasters are totally normal. Other women are experiencing doubt in their decisions for a day or so. They experience days with lots of cry fests. They experience anger, confusion, and blah days. It's private, so we all just throw it out there, our fears, our experiences. It's nice to be part of a group that will be honest, and support you, and wont say "well, at least you'll have perky boobs when your old". If I have to hear one more person say that...I'm going to shank them like it's a jailbreak attempt.
I have my appointment at 4:00 today....I don't get as much work done as I'd like to on the days that I have appointments. I just have a lot on my mind on those days. I have a lot of quiet time those days. Today will not be any different. I will work getting some old stuff off my desk. I will barely speak. I will leave work an hour before my appointment. I will arrive 30 minutes early and read magazines in the lobby. I will feel better when talking to the doctor. I will go to my car and cry for about 15 minutes, wipe my snot on my shirt and drive home. I will spend the evening editing photography stuff and staying to myself. This is what happens on the days of my appointments. It's a routine I have fallen into. I have no idea why. I really like the doctor that I will see today.. She is the one that I mentioned in a previous blog that was my height, so I felt an automatic connection to her. And yes, I realize that is strange, but so am I. :) She makes me feel like no matter what, she gonna give me some boobs that won't later plot against me. She's great.
Friday, September 26, 2014
Learning to dance in the rain...
One day I will have it all together! I seriously thought this during my childhood. HA! Wow... What does that even mean? Having it all together...that's an interesting phrase.
I do not and probably will not ever have it all together. I've had a hard time with my mother's death in the past few weeks. I know that people think "she should have moved on by now", "Darla is taking this harder than she should", "I can't believe she's still grieving". A piece of my life is gone. Gone. Mothers don't judge you. Mother's are the only ones that have your childhood stories in their head. Mother's are the ones that patch your BooBoos no matter how old you are. When my first husband left, my mother held me (more than once) while I cried. When I told my mother that I thought I had a drinking problem, she didn't judge me. I have so many things I really need to talk to her about. I know I know. I have friends that will listen to me ramble on. I have family that will too. But they're not my mom. The last movie I watched with mom was The Lake House. The last thing I ate with my mother was Chinese that we brought into the hospice hospital. The last words she said to me were "I love you, Baby". I can still hear her voice. I wonder so often what she would think right now. Would she be proud of the photography stuff I'm doing? She always liked to look at them. Would she be disappointed with my work habits right now? Would she support my decision for the double mastectomy? Would she pet my head before I go into surgery? Would she be holding my hand at each appointment? What would she say if I just put my head on her shoulder to cry? You don't move on. You don't ever finish grieving. You learn to live with a piece of your heart, and your life gone...missing.
I got the date of my surgery set. That was nerve wracking and a relief at the same time. I'm still nervous. I'm having so many mixed emotions. One minute I'm sad, and the next I'm frustrated and mad. I can't seem to find a happy medium. I think it's just that there is so much in my head...so much running through my mind. I have so many tough things that I'm going through right now. So much more detail than I feel comfortable blogging about. I have a friends sister that committed suicide last week. One of my friends is an affair (she's single). One of my friends is having an affair that is destroying her emotionally. One friend is in the hospital. One friend is going to marry a man that she doesn't love. One friend is having severe depression and having a hard time separating herself from her past. One friend is financial trouble and seems so very depressed. My sister has a drinking problem. My dad's been coughing up blood for 2 years and won't go to the doctor. I have so many appointments. I'm working 12-17 hours per day at my day job. I'm actually down 3 employees right now. I miss my son. I miss having the kids at home. One of our girls is thinking about moving out of the state. I'm buried at work. I have a friend who's girlfriend is battling breast cancer and doing chemo. I have a friend who's thinking about divorce. I've needed a hair cut for months. I'm worried about all of this. And when one thing seems fixed...some other chaotic thing replaces it. This again is why I wish I had mom to talk to. Don't misread my emotions. I have a ton of things to be thankful for as well. Please do not assume that all I do is complain. It's not like that. I have a ton of things in my life that I am so thankful for. I really do. :)
I think life is like that for everyone. There are always life storms. Learning to dance in the rain...that's the hard part, and the fun part. :)
~Darla
I do not and probably will not ever have it all together. I've had a hard time with my mother's death in the past few weeks. I know that people think "she should have moved on by now", "Darla is taking this harder than she should", "I can't believe she's still grieving". A piece of my life is gone. Gone. Mothers don't judge you. Mother's are the only ones that have your childhood stories in their head. Mother's are the ones that patch your BooBoos no matter how old you are. When my first husband left, my mother held me (more than once) while I cried. When I told my mother that I thought I had a drinking problem, she didn't judge me. I have so many things I really need to talk to her about. I know I know. I have friends that will listen to me ramble on. I have family that will too. But they're not my mom. The last movie I watched with mom was The Lake House. The last thing I ate with my mother was Chinese that we brought into the hospice hospital. The last words she said to me were "I love you, Baby". I can still hear her voice. I wonder so often what she would think right now. Would she be proud of the photography stuff I'm doing? She always liked to look at them. Would she be disappointed with my work habits right now? Would she support my decision for the double mastectomy? Would she pet my head before I go into surgery? Would she be holding my hand at each appointment? What would she say if I just put my head on her shoulder to cry? You don't move on. You don't ever finish grieving. You learn to live with a piece of your heart, and your life gone...missing.
I got the date of my surgery set. That was nerve wracking and a relief at the same time. I'm still nervous. I'm having so many mixed emotions. One minute I'm sad, and the next I'm frustrated and mad. I can't seem to find a happy medium. I think it's just that there is so much in my head...so much running through my mind. I have so many tough things that I'm going through right now. So much more detail than I feel comfortable blogging about. I have a friends sister that committed suicide last week. One of my friends is an affair (she's single). One of my friends is having an affair that is destroying her emotionally. One friend is in the hospital. One friend is going to marry a man that she doesn't love. One friend is having severe depression and having a hard time separating herself from her past. One friend is financial trouble and seems so very depressed. My sister has a drinking problem. My dad's been coughing up blood for 2 years and won't go to the doctor. I have so many appointments. I'm working 12-17 hours per day at my day job. I'm actually down 3 employees right now. I miss my son. I miss having the kids at home. One of our girls is thinking about moving out of the state. I'm buried at work. I have a friend who's girlfriend is battling breast cancer and doing chemo. I have a friend who's thinking about divorce. I've needed a hair cut for months. I'm worried about all of this. And when one thing seems fixed...some other chaotic thing replaces it. This again is why I wish I had mom to talk to. Don't misread my emotions. I have a ton of things to be thankful for as well. Please do not assume that all I do is complain. It's not like that. I have a ton of things in my life that I am so thankful for. I really do. :)
I think life is like that for everyone. There are always life storms. Learning to dance in the rain...that's the hard part, and the fun part. :)
~Darla
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Who's gonna wipe my hiney?!?
I am really thankful that I am able to blog. I know this isn't everyone's thing, but it is such a release. When you have no one to talk to...blog.
Last week I had a follow up appointment with Cassie. She is the surgeon that will be removing the breast tissue during the first surgery. As I have said before, she is fantastic! I love her demeanor, her calming voice, and her ability to explain things in a way that I understand....minimal medical terms. She even draws pictures if she needs to. :) The appointment went well for the most part. So far after each appointment I have walked to my car with a smile, and then I sit in my car and cry. I let it all out. I just sit there pray and cry. No one knows this. This is the first time I've admitted it. It's not because I'm sad. This is just a lot. It's a lot of information. It's a lot to understand. It's a lot to accept. It's a lot to carry everyday. It usually takes me back to my mother. I saw a video the other day on The Pink Ribbon FB page. It was a girl the day of surgery and a few days following her double mastectomy. I always have so much respect for those people who document their journeys. Anyway, I cried. Not because of the pain she in, not because I was going to go through that same pain, not because I felt sorry for her. I cried watching her mother hold her hand. It's selfish, and it's jealousy. I know it's wrong to be jealous, but she had her mom. My mother won't be holding my hand when I go into surgery. Don't get me wrong!! I have plenty of people who love me and will be there with me. There will be way more people than need to be there, but none of them are my mother. I wonder if they will let me keep my pocket angel in my hand during surgery? I'll have to remember to ask. I have really gotten off topic....back to my appointment. Sorry. So, Cassie explained to me that the incision will not be under the breasts. It will be in a () shape around the nipple. It will be two incisions one above the nipple and one under that connect on either side and make a rounded diamond shape. They will remove all of the breast tissue through this "hole". When they begin removing the tissue on the second breast, the plastic surgeon will come in and install the "bag" (it's called a tissue expander) on the first breast. There will be three people working at the same time to get done as quickly as possible so that I am not under anesthesia longer than necessary. This process will take 4-5 hours. When the "holes" are sewn together it will be a straight line. It will be 5-6 inches across each breast. The drains will be located on the outside of the incisions. There will be two tubes from each breast. One is a drain tube, and the other is a tube in which the fluid will be injected each week. It's quite possible that the surgery will be the first week in January. That's only 14 weeks.
The first week following surgery will be very difficult. I will be unable to use my arms. The bandages will need to be changed. I will have to wear a special cami-shirt that fastens in the front. I will have to wear front buttoning shirts as well since I won't be able to do over the head things with my arms. This is going to so very difficult. Who's gonna wipe my hiney?!? One of the first thoughts I had. I know that I shouldn't have a problem with this, but this is a big deal for me. Other than my mother, NO ONE has ever had to clean my goodies!! I don't even pee in front of my husband. How do I think that I am going to let him help me with this task? This is a very big concern for me. I know there are people that will do it...I can name several: my grandma, my husband, my sisters, my daughter. I know these people will do it. I don't want them to. I want to go pee alone, and wipe myself! Uhg!!! How awful. OH my gosh!!! It just occurred to me: what if I'm on my menstrual cycle? *blank stare* I am done with this paragraph.
I have so many things in my head. There are so many concerns. There are so many ideas bouncing around. I can't keep focused on one thing. I replace all of these thoughts with work. I have started working more hours. I get up at 4am with my mind running a hundred miles per hour. I get to work by 5am, and work work work until 6,7,8pm. When I get home, I edit. I keep my mind busy. Lately we have been going to dinner a lot which gets me out of the house and away from editing & working for a little bit. It's good for me. I know it is.
It's so hard to be at home. A while back my son (Brian) decided that he wanted to go live with his dad. We waited until after the spring season of baseball because our lives revolve around baseball. I moved him to his dads this summer. That was a very tough day for me. Now I walk by his empty room, and sometimes I stop to cry on his bed. I miss him so much. I still talk to him. I get him every other weekend, but after having him for his entire 12 years of life...it's hard to not have him at home. He was honest with me in this decision. He said that he had prayed for a long time before the topic had come up, and he was certain that this was what he wanted to do. I know it doesn't mean that he won't come back home. I hang on to a glimmer of hope that one day he may decide that he wants to come home, but I also realize that's not fair to his dad who has missed so much in Brian's life since we separated in 2006. This too runs through my head all the time.
I am worried about so much that is going on in my life. I am not a worrier. Not typically. Some days my brain is in over load. Most days. Some days there is so much in my head that I don't voice, and that makes me feel so alone sometimes. Do not get me wrong...I know that this is one of the many times in my life where there is only one set of footprints. I am so thankful for a God who loves me so very much. More than I can possibly fathom. That is comforting in itself.
~Darla
Last week I had a follow up appointment with Cassie. She is the surgeon that will be removing the breast tissue during the first surgery. As I have said before, she is fantastic! I love her demeanor, her calming voice, and her ability to explain things in a way that I understand....minimal medical terms. She even draws pictures if she needs to. :) The appointment went well for the most part. So far after each appointment I have walked to my car with a smile, and then I sit in my car and cry. I let it all out. I just sit there pray and cry. No one knows this. This is the first time I've admitted it. It's not because I'm sad. This is just a lot. It's a lot of information. It's a lot to understand. It's a lot to accept. It's a lot to carry everyday. It usually takes me back to my mother. I saw a video the other day on The Pink Ribbon FB page. It was a girl the day of surgery and a few days following her double mastectomy. I always have so much respect for those people who document their journeys. Anyway, I cried. Not because of the pain she in, not because I was going to go through that same pain, not because I felt sorry for her. I cried watching her mother hold her hand. It's selfish, and it's jealousy. I know it's wrong to be jealous, but she had her mom. My mother won't be holding my hand when I go into surgery. Don't get me wrong!! I have plenty of people who love me and will be there with me. There will be way more people than need to be there, but none of them are my mother. I wonder if they will let me keep my pocket angel in my hand during surgery? I'll have to remember to ask. I have really gotten off topic....back to my appointment. Sorry. So, Cassie explained to me that the incision will not be under the breasts. It will be in a () shape around the nipple. It will be two incisions one above the nipple and one under that connect on either side and make a rounded diamond shape. They will remove all of the breast tissue through this "hole". When they begin removing the tissue on the second breast, the plastic surgeon will come in and install the "bag" (it's called a tissue expander) on the first breast. There will be three people working at the same time to get done as quickly as possible so that I am not under anesthesia longer than necessary. This process will take 4-5 hours. When the "holes" are sewn together it will be a straight line. It will be 5-6 inches across each breast. The drains will be located on the outside of the incisions. There will be two tubes from each breast. One is a drain tube, and the other is a tube in which the fluid will be injected each week. It's quite possible that the surgery will be the first week in January. That's only 14 weeks.
The first week following surgery will be very difficult. I will be unable to use my arms. The bandages will need to be changed. I will have to wear a special cami-shirt that fastens in the front. I will have to wear front buttoning shirts as well since I won't be able to do over the head things with my arms. This is going to so very difficult. Who's gonna wipe my hiney?!? One of the first thoughts I had. I know that I shouldn't have a problem with this, but this is a big deal for me. Other than my mother, NO ONE has ever had to clean my goodies!! I don't even pee in front of my husband. How do I think that I am going to let him help me with this task? This is a very big concern for me. I know there are people that will do it...I can name several: my grandma, my husband, my sisters, my daughter. I know these people will do it. I don't want them to. I want to go pee alone, and wipe myself! Uhg!!! How awful. OH my gosh!!! It just occurred to me: what if I'm on my menstrual cycle? *blank stare* I am done with this paragraph.
I have so many things in my head. There are so many concerns. There are so many ideas bouncing around. I can't keep focused on one thing. I replace all of these thoughts with work. I have started working more hours. I get up at 4am with my mind running a hundred miles per hour. I get to work by 5am, and work work work until 6,7,8pm. When I get home, I edit. I keep my mind busy. Lately we have been going to dinner a lot which gets me out of the house and away from editing & working for a little bit. It's good for me. I know it is.
It's so hard to be at home. A while back my son (Brian) decided that he wanted to go live with his dad. We waited until after the spring season of baseball because our lives revolve around baseball. I moved him to his dads this summer. That was a very tough day for me. Now I walk by his empty room, and sometimes I stop to cry on his bed. I miss him so much. I still talk to him. I get him every other weekend, but after having him for his entire 12 years of life...it's hard to not have him at home. He was honest with me in this decision. He said that he had prayed for a long time before the topic had come up, and he was certain that this was what he wanted to do. I know it doesn't mean that he won't come back home. I hang on to a glimmer of hope that one day he may decide that he wants to come home, but I also realize that's not fair to his dad who has missed so much in Brian's life since we separated in 2006. This too runs through my head all the time.
I am worried about so much that is going on in my life. I am not a worrier. Not typically. Some days my brain is in over load. Most days. Some days there is so much in my head that I don't voice, and that makes me feel so alone sometimes. Do not get me wrong...I know that this is one of the many times in my life where there is only one set of footprints. I am so thankful for a God who loves me so very much. More than I can possibly fathom. That is comforting in itself.
~Darla
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