Judge me if you feel the need

     I haven't blogged in a while because I really didn't know what to say about things going on in my life.  I spent quite a bit of time crying, analyzing, and being consumed by work.  When I get upset, I tend to hide.  I have several things that are typical of me when I'm having a tough time.  I bury myself with work.  I sit in the floor of my kitchen and cry with my back in the corner of the cabinets.  I pray a lot.  I sit and look at the picture of my mother that was at her service.  I talk to it.  I have friends, but they're busy, and I don't want to burden people with my life complains. I try to keep in mind that tomorrow is another day. It's hard to remember that each chapter in your life does have an ending.  As humans, it is in our nature to worry and fret.  It's so very hard not to.  That's when I feel that the praying, crying and burying my self with work will help until the moment, day or life chapter is over.

     This is not the place for this, but I am an open book.  I always have been.  I am going to blog about the chapter in my life that is closing.  This will shock people, and this will upset some.  I just think that if my life story can help one person that It was all worth it.  I don't necessarily think that my life is anyone's business, and I certainly don't think that my life deserves anyone's judgment. I am not a judgmental person.  People have to answer for their own actions.  I care about people and want the best for them, and I don't have to agree with their choices.  No matter what choices a person makes, I have no right to judge them.  God has plans for each of us.  When we make poor choices we have to believe that we can turn to God and the he can make good things out of it.  He can redirect us.  He can guide us back, but we have to keep our eyes on Him. 

     November of 2013 I was told that I have a BRCA2 gene mutation (Google it or read my previous blogs).  When that happened, I took my time deciding what was best for my life.  I opted to schedule a double mastectomy (removal of breasts) and an oophorectomy (removal of ovaries).  I've had many doctors appointments in the past year.  My grandma went to one with me.  My husband went to one.  I went to the others alone.  I really wanted my husband there.  I wanted him to want to be there.  I felt that he started distancing himself from me.  Emotionally and physically he became withdrawn from me. I would cry, and he would not respond.  In the beginning he did, but something changed.  I would cry and he would get more distant.  I was having such a hard time doing this without my mother.  I would have days that I missed her so very much.  I've cried knowing that she won't be there to hold my hand before I go into surgery.  I needed my husband to be there for me.  I needed him to try to understand.  I needed him to hold me when I was sad. I couldn't understand what changed.  I even wrote him letters telling him that I really needed him, and explained how.  I work in the automotive industry, so my work friends are mostly guys.  I talked to two of them about my surgery...I shouldn't have had personal conversations with people at work.  I know better than that.  Work and home are to be kept separated.  These are not my friends, they are coworkers.  That's hard to remember when you spend 10 hours a day with people.  I messed up.  I had an affair. I could sit here and type out why.  I could tell each step that happened that led up to, but there is nothing that justifies my actions. I could tell you how he actually asked about an appointment that my husband forgot about.  I could tell you that he hugged me when I began to cry about missing my mother.  I could tell you about the conversations we had in which I thought I was just venting to a friend.  I can tell you that I had no idea it would become what it did.  I can't justify that I had an affair.  I can't.  It was wrong.  I cried a lot from guilt.  I felt horrible.  When our spouses found out they both wanted a divorce.  I believe his wife filed before it happened. Our spouses started talking to each other.  They even met for drinks one night.  My husband filed for divorce shortly after finding out.  I was 100% in the wrong.  Our one time affair wasn't worth damaging two families.  I can't take it back.  I am so very sorry.  I know this will shock people.  I am not a cheater.  This is so unlike me.  I know my mother would be disappointed.  I know that I have shamed my family.  I know that I hurt my kids.  I think about it EVERY day. I know that I am a horrible person, and made an irreversible and destructive choice. I know that.  I understand my husband wanting a divorce. I broke him.  I destroyed his heart. I feel awful.  I love that man so very much.  Things were already getting rough with us with the emotional and physical separation.  When my son moved out in July we (ricky and I) realized that we have nothing in common.  Nothing.  Looking back, it's possible that we got married out of convenience.  We wanted the best for our children and I feel that we did that. Our children have close relationships, and will remain that way for the rest of their lives.  I know that we didn't make a mistake getting married...I think that we could have been married forever.  Ricky said recently that he didn't think we were happy.  He said that he thought we were comfortable.  I feel like that's the same thing.  I could be totally wrong. 

     You are welcome to judge me if you feel the need.  I have beat myself up about this for 2 months now. I can never take it back.  I can never right my wrong. I admit that I messed up.  I admit that I ruined all of this.  You can judge, you can email me, you can text ugly things to me.  you can do whatever you feel necessary to "give me your opinion" on my life. I am not proud of what I did.  I assure you of that.  I really hope that this blog helps someone...I don't know how that's possible.  I also think it's good to just get this off my chest.  It's a horrible secret to keep.  I live in a tiny town where people know every time I pass gas, and they insist on letting everyone else know.  I am sure this won't take long to make to the front page of the local paper. But, I'm not going to sit back and pretend to be perfect or without sin.  Not one of us is perfect. Again, feel free to tell me what a horrible person I am.  I actually deserve whatever befalls me.

     I am not going to lie and say this is not the most uncomfortable blog I've ever written.  I'm so very sorry for hurting people.  I am sorry for those of you I disappointed, and let down.  I have failed many people with my action and my choice.  I decided to cancel my surgery.  I will reschedule for January 2016 in hopes that my life will not be as chaotic then, and I can plan better for the surgery. My divorce will be final the beginning of January, and that's a week before the surgery was scheduled.  I'm just not prepared to take all of that on at the same time.  I so very sorry if you are one of the people that I let down and disappointed. 

    I have no idea what is next for my life, but this chapter is closing.