The last few months have been so crazy busy. Trying to get back into the swing of life. It's baby steps after a major transition in one's life to get back to the norm.
Today I feel good. I'm at the point where I can lay on my tummy to sleep for a little bit. Since the mastectomy, i have found that it is taking a long time for my body to adjust to me and for me to adjust to my body. I still have good days and bad days. The scars are no longer red. They are a light pink color. Somedays, I look in the mirror at my breasts and thingk "yes, girl, you did it! Look at those battle scars!"**insert high five** Then there are days when I stand in front of the mirror seeing mutilation and gnawed skin.
I think that this is a good time for a life reflection. So, hear me out. The things that we do, see, experience, live, touch, each day are just scars in our life. Each memory is a little piece of who you are, and little scar in your life. Look at your body. Each marking and scar belong to a memory in your life. Some of our scars can't be seen. We have all been through something emotional that scars you. Things that maybe still hurt years after they happened. My mother died 4 years ago. It still hurts. Some scars are visible. I have a small scar on my knee where I crashed a scooter in 5th grade in front of my friend Rhonda's house. We do smells in the same manor. Smells are memories. To this day, the smell of a new doll takes me back to childhood Christmases and opening a new Barbie. Everything in your life...everything is a piece of who you are. That carved into my brain, connected to a memory, a different time in your life. Scars don't have to be bad. Scars (emotional or physical) have created our life. They can be good or bad. Good smells can trigger bad memories, and bad scars can trigger good memories. Until we learn to embrace our scars, we can't be proud of them nor are we capable of ever showing them off. I think that last sentence explains my mastectomy scars. Perhaps I have not embraced them completely which is why somedays I dread seeing them. It was a battle, just as each scar in one's life. It's also hard for other people to understand your scars in life both physical and emotional because it wasn't their scar to carry. It wasn't a memory for their story, in their life book.
My employer is a spncer of the Susan G Koman 5K in Austin. I have never participated. Last October, I should have, but wasn't sure if I could do that long of a walk. I wasn't sure of the event. I had just done a very painful surgery for my breasts. It was just overwhelming. I have made a final decision for the 5K this year. I will be there. I will be topless. I will show my scars. It's still hard for me to talk about the mastectomy, thereore I think the scars are a reminder that I'm not yet completely comfortable. Sooooo, bring it on. I have one nipple that I will cover with a sticker. I am thinking a half breast cancer (for my mom) and half BRCA (teal) ribbon to cover it. The other side is the nastier scar, and missing a nipple, and i really don't think people see mastectomy scars. I think that people go to the runs to support their loved ones, but never really see the physical scars. I think that maybe people have seen them, but they aren't pretty. It's not something uplifting and encouraging to see. People don't google mastectomy sacrs unless they are about to join the mastecomy club. I've thought that I can put googley craft eyes above the scar, or something silly. I see those scars everyday. I think that allowing myself to boldly walk a 5K with my scars, I am showing people that it doesn't have to be hidden. It's part of my story. How many people didn't get to carry mastectomy scars? How many people were diagnosed and died of breast cancer before they got a chance to have a mastectomy? No visible scars. Those people would have gladly carried around these scars. I'm doing this. Topless. I am doing the 5K in October topless. It's happening. I'm scared, I'm nervous, but I am going to be proud of this battle for all of those who didn't get the chance to battle. They are part of me, my life story, my scars, my memories. I can't change the scars, so I will embrace them.
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