Broken

Life isn't always what you picture.*Sniffle*

No one looks the way they picture. As a photographer, I feel that I edit people to look the way that I see them. The way that they see themselves. As a photographer, I have edited tens of thousands of pictures. I've seen every body type. I've seen double chins, pooches, flabby arms, chubby thighs, freckles, lazy eyes, and non-symmetrical faces.

In February of this year I had a double mastectomy. I posted an earlier blog that was titled part one. I am not sure that I will do a part two. Right now I am trying my best to hold on. I am trying to hold onto life, hope, love, Faith, and myself.

I look at myself in the mirror. I see myself every day. Naked. There is only one person that sees me naked other than myself. He loves me for my heart, not for my body. I can't help but think that that's a good thing. I think that my body looks horrific. I hate to look at myself. My breasts are scarred. I had to have reconstructive surgery two weeks ago. I don't love the outcome. I know that I am not finished with plastic surgery. I do know that I stand in front of the mirror every single day after my shower, And the woman I see is not who I feel that I am. My life has always been scarred. I had a rough childhood. My teenage years were  nothing less than disastrous, embarrassing to say the least. Maybe this is the way my life is supposed to be, scarred. I can't help but think that if you do not go through things in your life that you can't help others later that are going through the same thing. Right now I look at myself, naked, and I hate my body. I have my breasts. They are scarred. They are the correct shape. I have one nipple. I hate the way I look. I want to say that I should have pride knowing that I won't die of breast cancer the way that my mother did. I should have pride knowing that my children won't have to see me the way that I saw my mother. I should have pride knowing that I will not die from breast cancer. I should have pride knowing that I made the right choice. I should have pride and no way that I am not identified by breasts.

As a woman, it is hard to hate your body. There is one girl in particular that I know... She had weight-loss surgery. She had several surgeries to help her lose weight, or to make her body look better. She is still not happy with her body. She still cries. The loose skin bothers her. Every woman hates her body. I'm thankful for the small things in life but I am a woman... I hate my body. It's hard to live like this.  This is NOT something that you can explain to someone. This is not something that people in your day-to-day life will understand. I can only relate to people like me. I can only relate to people for BRCA+ like me. I know I still have a long way to go on reconstruction. I know that my breast will not look like this forever. I know that I will get used to not having any sensation. And know that I will get used to the way they look.

I'm thankful that God has given me life I am thankful that God loves me. I am thankful that God hears me. And I am thankful God knows the desires of my heart. For those things alone I have thanks.