Step out of your normal

I am by no means what someone would call "normal".  Guess what? No one else is either.  There is no normal.  There is no set pattern or standard that makes normal. Normal is actually just another word for typical. We are all unique. Not one of us is the same.  Our life experiences, choices and circumstances whether negative or positive will help build the person that we will be tomorrow.  We are so very different from each other.  I think that people in general are like chameleons. Stay with me for a minute on this one. When we are young, we learn to adapt to our living arrangements.  Some kids grow up with only one parent which seems "normal" to them.  Kids that grow up in poverty feel that is "normal".  Life circumstances are what surround us everyday to form a comfort zone.  That comfort is what you would call your "normal".  The same thing happens when we date, make friends, get married, work, have children.  In all of those instances, we are intruding outsiders to our "normal".  We conform to a new normal to include the differences in the new person coming into our normal.

There was a movie called The Runaway Bride.  It had Julia Roberts and Richard Gere in it.  In the movie. Julia Roberts character, Maggie, has left several fiancés at the alter.  A New York reporter, Ike, played by Richard Gere, comes to do an interview with Maggie.  He meets with her ex-fiancés to find that with each person, Maggie has adjusted her interests to please the fiancé she is with at the time.  She is engaged again and set to get married.  When Ike digs deeper into learning who Maggie really is, he also fall in love with her.  Ike poses as the groom to help Maggie with her fear of getting married.  They end up kissing at the wedding rehearsal and pouring out their feelings to each other.  The groom punches Ike.  Ike and Maggie decide to get married since it's already set up, and of course Maggie leaves Ike at the alter.  After Ike's findings for the interview, he tells Maggie that he thinks that she is conforming to someone else's interests and therefore not really knowing who she actually is.  After leaving Ike at the alter, Maggie spends time figuring out who she is.  See, during the interviews of the ex-fiancés they each told Ike how Maggie liked her eggs...only the answers were all different.  The part that I remember most vividly is Maggie sitting at the table with like 10 different kinds of eggs trying them all.  She was trying to figure out who she was.  She was trying to figure out which eggs she actually preferred.  I think in a way that we all do this to some extent.  We have to when we combine two people's "normal".  We do it whenever we bring a new person into our normal. 

My childhood was not amazing.  It wasn't what should be called normal.  I think that I have made some life choices because of my childhood, and I also think that I made some life choices in spite of my childhood.  I think we can all agree that life is hard.  We get lost in this world and forget who we are, or maybe we never figure out who we are.  I have rescheduled my Mastectomy and oophorectomy for 2016.  I have one year before I do that.  My divorce will be final in January of 2015.  My daughter is an adult, and my son lives with his dad now.  This will be the first time I have lived alone.  I have always either had children or been married.  I want to figure out who I am. I want to try new things.  I want to figure out my likes and dislikes.  I want to do things that I've never done before.  I want to do the things that bring me joy.  I have decided to spend the next year of my life working because I enjoy both of my jobs.  I am going to take one weekend off each month to just not work.  I know, that's crazy for me and totally out of character.  I am going to actually write down my bucket list and mark things off. I am going to go to my son's baseball tournaments.  I am going to volunteer at the food bank.  I am going to volunteer at the soup kitchen in Austin.  I am going to hand someone a $100 bill for no reason.  I am going to do some traveling, nothing over the top. 
This is a list of things that would like to do (most of these I've never done):

• hot air balloon
• go to New York
• skydiving
• zip line
• go on a hike
• snow skiing
• take pictures of lightning
• water skiing
• drive a boat
• wear a tutu
• ride a city bus
• ride on a train
• ride a subway
• see the Redwood Forest
• fly to Washington and see my friend Sarah
• take my sisters to Vegas
• go on an Alaskan cruise
• see Niagra Falls
• go camping
• kayaking
• dance in a rainstorm
• see the Grand Canyon
• go to a major league sporting event
• do a 5K
• go on an off shore fishing trip
• pet an alligator
• explore Texas sites

These will take years and years to mark off of my list, but I have written them down.  I want to encourage anyone who reads this blog to make a bucket list.  Write it down.  Learn new things about yourself.  Step out of your normal. 

Judge me if you feel the need

     I haven't blogged in a while because I really didn't know what to say about things going on in my life.  I spent quite a bit of time crying, analyzing, and being consumed by work.  When I get upset, I tend to hide.  I have several things that are typical of me when I'm having a tough time.  I bury myself with work.  I sit in the floor of my kitchen and cry with my back in the corner of the cabinets.  I pray a lot.  I sit and look at the picture of my mother that was at her service.  I talk to it.  I have friends, but they're busy, and I don't want to burden people with my life complains. I try to keep in mind that tomorrow is another day. It's hard to remember that each chapter in your life does have an ending.  As humans, it is in our nature to worry and fret.  It's so very hard not to.  That's when I feel that the praying, crying and burying my self with work will help until the moment, day or life chapter is over.

     This is not the place for this, but I am an open book.  I always have been.  I am going to blog about the chapter in my life that is closing.  This will shock people, and this will upset some.  I just think that if my life story can help one person that It was all worth it.  I don't necessarily think that my life is anyone's business, and I certainly don't think that my life deserves anyone's judgment. I am not a judgmental person.  People have to answer for their own actions.  I care about people and want the best for them, and I don't have to agree with their choices.  No matter what choices a person makes, I have no right to judge them.  God has plans for each of us.  When we make poor choices we have to believe that we can turn to God and the he can make good things out of it.  He can redirect us.  He can guide us back, but we have to keep our eyes on Him. 

     November of 2013 I was told that I have a BRCA2 gene mutation (Google it or read my previous blogs).  When that happened, I took my time deciding what was best for my life.  I opted to schedule a double mastectomy (removal of breasts) and an oophorectomy (removal of ovaries).  I've had many doctors appointments in the past year.  My grandma went to one with me.  My husband went to one.  I went to the others alone.  I really wanted my husband there.  I wanted him to want to be there.  I felt that he started distancing himself from me.  Emotionally and physically he became withdrawn from me. I would cry, and he would not respond.  In the beginning he did, but something changed.  I would cry and he would get more distant.  I was having such a hard time doing this without my mother.  I would have days that I missed her so very much.  I've cried knowing that she won't be there to hold my hand before I go into surgery.  I needed my husband to be there for me.  I needed him to try to understand.  I needed him to hold me when I was sad. I couldn't understand what changed.  I even wrote him letters telling him that I really needed him, and explained how.  I work in the automotive industry, so my work friends are mostly guys.  I talked to two of them about my surgery...I shouldn't have had personal conversations with people at work.  I know better than that.  Work and home are to be kept separated.  These are not my friends, they are coworkers.  That's hard to remember when you spend 10 hours a day with people.  I messed up.  I had an affair. I could sit here and type out why.  I could tell each step that happened that led up to, but there is nothing that justifies my actions. I could tell you how he actually asked about an appointment that my husband forgot about.  I could tell you that he hugged me when I began to cry about missing my mother.  I could tell you about the conversations we had in which I thought I was just venting to a friend.  I can tell you that I had no idea it would become what it did.  I can't justify that I had an affair.  I can't.  It was wrong.  I cried a lot from guilt.  I felt horrible.  When our spouses found out they both wanted a divorce.  I believe his wife filed before it happened. Our spouses started talking to each other.  They even met for drinks one night.  My husband filed for divorce shortly after finding out.  I was 100% in the wrong.  Our one time affair wasn't worth damaging two families.  I can't take it back.  I am so very sorry.  I know this will shock people.  I am not a cheater.  This is so unlike me.  I know my mother would be disappointed.  I know that I have shamed my family.  I know that I hurt my kids.  I think about it EVERY day. I know that I am a horrible person, and made an irreversible and destructive choice. I know that.  I understand my husband wanting a divorce. I broke him.  I destroyed his heart. I feel awful.  I love that man so very much.  Things were already getting rough with us with the emotional and physical separation.  When my son moved out in July we (ricky and I) realized that we have nothing in common.  Nothing.  Looking back, it's possible that we got married out of convenience.  We wanted the best for our children and I feel that we did that. Our children have close relationships, and will remain that way for the rest of their lives.  I know that we didn't make a mistake getting married...I think that we could have been married forever.  Ricky said recently that he didn't think we were happy.  He said that he thought we were comfortable.  I feel like that's the same thing.  I could be totally wrong. 

     You are welcome to judge me if you feel the need.  I have beat myself up about this for 2 months now. I can never take it back.  I can never right my wrong. I admit that I messed up.  I admit that I ruined all of this.  You can judge, you can email me, you can text ugly things to me.  you can do whatever you feel necessary to "give me your opinion" on my life. I am not proud of what I did.  I assure you of that.  I really hope that this blog helps someone...I don't know how that's possible.  I also think it's good to just get this off my chest.  It's a horrible secret to keep.  I live in a tiny town where people know every time I pass gas, and they insist on letting everyone else know.  I am sure this won't take long to make to the front page of the local paper. But, I'm not going to sit back and pretend to be perfect or without sin.  Not one of us is perfect. Again, feel free to tell me what a horrible person I am.  I actually deserve whatever befalls me.

     I am not going to lie and say this is not the most uncomfortable blog I've ever written.  I'm so very sorry for hurting people.  I am sorry for those of you I disappointed, and let down.  I have failed many people with my action and my choice.  I decided to cancel my surgery.  I will reschedule for January 2016 in hopes that my life will not be as chaotic then, and I can plan better for the surgery. My divorce will be final the beginning of January, and that's a week before the surgery was scheduled.  I'm just not prepared to take all of that on at the same time.  I so very sorry if you are one of the people that I let down and disappointed. 

    I have no idea what is next for my life, but this chapter is closing.