Dear Mom,
I have so much to tell you. I have so much that I need to say...to someone. Being without you doesn't get easier. There are scriptures that you knew off of the top of your head. I need some of those right now. I know that I can search for scripture and the one(s) that I need will be oh so clear. Isn't it strange that you could have read a scripture 100 times only to read it one more time and it becomes something completely different? It's called the living word for a reason.
I miss you so much, Mom. The last 5 years have kind of been a blur. Everything has happened so quickly. I realized yesterday that maybe I haven't mourned your death. I'm not even sure how that works. I have always been very careful with my emotions. I don't let anyone get too close. I try to keep my emotions organized. I like nice and neat. I don't like clutter in my life and that includes my emotions. I'm not emotionless...I just keep them in a steel lock box, and I keep that box in a vault. Maybe I wasn't always like that...? You're not here to ask. Keeping my emotions in a lock box seems easier. That way people can't get to them. I have no idea. Once someone sees your emotions, you become vulnerable. I'm not sure if I believe that completely. I know that I believe it right now. Today.
I still feel sad that you didn't get to survive breast cancer. I'm sorry. I'm so glad that you weren't here to see what I went through. I still have a hard time with it. I still have some surgeries to do. I've chosen to wait. I am thinking maybe next year. Maybe the year after that.
The kids are doing well. Mom, you wouldn't believe how big Brian is. He was only 11 when you passed away. He's driving now. He will graduate next school year. He's still an incredible baseball player...I don't tell him that. I just tell him to work harder and that he's doing good. He fights to be an asset to his team. His career choices change from week to week. I think he's trying to figure out what is a good fit for him. I don't care what he decides to do after college or what he goes to school for. I truly believe that if you love your job, you never work a day in your life. Chelsea is about to be 25. It's crazy to me. She is still the same ole Chelsea. Sunshine sprinkled with cayenne. Hahahaha! They spent this last weekend with me. It was good to have them home.
I am remodeling my house again. I have some repairs that need to be made. They are things that I can do myself...things that you taught me how to do. Nothing major, but we both know that I am not a huge fan of manual labor. Brian is putting up a new fence. This is his first time. It's the first time he's used a saw or a level. It's good for him to learn those things. I am going to build the gate sometime this week...I've been saying that for 2 weeks. *shrugs* I think I am going to put a gate on both sides, so getting this first one done will be good practice for the other side with is going to be about 2 foot wider. This is the kind of stuff you'd tackle if you were here. You were always really good at building anything.
I went to sit by your headstone the other day. I went alone. I spoke to you like you were there. I had a hard time doing so. I sat there for about an hour. I thought about all the practical jokes that I would play on you and how irritated you would get. Oh how I wish I could hear you one more time say, "Oh Darla Jean!". Granny still calls me that sometimes. I thought about the times that we would play the actor/movie game that we made up. I thought about all of us dancing around the house to 60s & 70's music. I thought about your ridiculous amount of Christmas trees each year. I thought about how you made a cup of coffee, 4 tablespoons of sugar, and water to cool it down. I thought about your terrible spaghetti sauce, and the sweet tea that everyone loved so much. I thought about your amazing voice as you would sing Carol King or Helen Reddy hits. Mom, I miss you and I don't think that ever goes away. I don't think it gets easier.
I let go of God's hand a couple of years ago. I was angry for so many reasons. I'm going to find it again. I'm going to do that because I need Him. I need Him everyday, and I should have never let go of His hand. I so easily fell into the secular circle. It wasn't a choice I meant to make. I am in the processes of just getting back on the right path with guidance from Him.
I love you, Mom...I miss you terribly. It's still hard without you, and some days I can't think about you being gone....emotionally I just can't some days.
Love Darla
