I wasn't worth working it out. That hurts so deeply that there are no words to describe it. I'm not saying that I don't understand why he left me. I do. I didn't want the divorce. I didn't want to sign the affidavit. Took me two trips to the courthouse to have enough courage to do it. Oh how I loved him...still do. That doesn't just stop.
Today is my first day home without him, without his stuff here. Walking in the house wasn't hard. I lost it when I walked into our room and his closet was open...and empty. When I was able to stop crying, I went to the bathroom to go potty only to notice that my toothbrush was the only one in the holder. I lost it again. I started to leave our bedroom and sat near the door to weep. When I thought I was going to be able to compose myself, I looked around our room. Hanging above our bed is our wedding picture. It's the most beautiful picture I've ever seen. I remember that very moment that the photographer snapped that picture. It was the first time we had gotten to really speak to each other since the ceremony. We were out on a ledge, on a beautiful balcony. He was standing directly behind me. I looked over my shoulder and said "now, I'm your wife". A tear ran down his cheek. The picture was taken when I reached to his face to wipe the tear from his cheek.
I'm still sitting in the floor by our bedroom door typing this. I'm gross. I've cried and cried typing this. I've wiped snot and tears on the sleeve of my blazer. I deserve this. I deserve to hurt. I deserve to be alone. Alone. I've never lived alone. Ever. I've always had children or been married. I can't sit here in the house alone.
I should have been a better wife. I could have worked less. I could have quit one of my jobs. I could have done more house work. I could have mowed the yard. I could have taken my son to practice more. I could have not had an affair. I could have done so many things differently. I could have been a better wife. I could have relied on him less to do things. I could have done it all better. I'm not a good wife. Aside from loving him, I guess I didn't do any of it right. I didn't know I wasn't a good wife. I definitely deserve this. It hurts really bad. It hurts so so so much. I knew this day would. I knew I would be crushed the day he actually moved out. I think in a way maybe I thought he wouldn't do it. Maybe somewhere deep inside I thought I was worth staying for. Even though I know this is best for both of us. His heart will never forgive me. He shouldn't have to live like that.
I know I'll survive. I know I'll move on. I know this will one day be behind me. I hope he's ok. I hope only the best for him. He deserves it. Was he the perfect husband? No. No one is. People can love each other so deeply that everything just works and feels right. You can love someone so deeply that your entire body needs them, but not one of us is perfect. Not one. I've had some not so nice responses on my blogs. Got an ugly email. A quick turn off, have a Christian tell you that you're being prayed for and that sin is ugly, and you need your heart cleansed. Yeah, that's awesome. I know I'll be ok. I know he'll be ok. I hope he finds someone a million times better than me. He's a really fantastic guy. I will miss him.
This will be the last time I blog about him. I like blogging because it gets my words out if my head. It helps me sort out my thoughts and emotions. I needed to vent this. And right now, I will get up off this floor. I will move forward. I will not feel sorry for myself, after all, I did this. I deserve this. Yes, it will hurt. Yes, I will be ok. Yes, people are going to continue to judge me. Yes, I'm going to remember God's grace. I'm going to remember that my sin isn't so big that Jesus' blood can't cover. My sin isn't so big that Jesus died for nothing. I'm not the first one in history to have an affair. I certainly won't be the last. I am ending here. I'm getting off the floor, pulling myself together and figure out what's next for my life.
~Darla
