Shank them like it's a jailbreak attempt

     Today I meet with the plastic surgeon at 4:00.  She said the next time that I see her to bring pictures of good boobs and bad boobs according to my Google searches. :)  I have them in my phone. I am not gonna lie it was awkward when Brian (my 12 year old son) went to use my phone, and the web pages that were up were boobies.  He said, "Uuuhhh, mom, there's a lot of boobs on here."  Hahahahaaa! I told him why, and he understood.  I showed him some of the "bad" boobs so that he understood what was scaring me. I remember the day I first told him about being BRCA+ and what it meant. I let him ask what questions he felt he needed the answers to.  He asked a couple of questions, and that was it.  It's been 18 months since the "spot" was detected in my left breast.  It's been 10 months since I was diagnosed as BRCA2+.  About a month ago, when Brian saw the boob images on my phone, he decided to ask some questions. 
     It was so much easier to explain the surgery to my 20 year old daughter.  She's a grown up (sort of) and she's a girl.  Trying to explain this to my 12 year old son...whole different ballgame (this was about a week before his 13th birthday). He asked if I was scared.  He asked what they do in the surgery.  He asked what happens after the surgery.  He asked if it would look like the pictures on my phone.  My first response to him was, "Brian, this is all medical.  This isn't about boobs. I can explain this to you.  Are you okay with hearing about your mom's boobs? I understand that might seem weird."  He thought for a second, "and said yeah, I'm fine.  I want to know what's going to happen".  My next question (so very awkward for me) was, "Are you oaky with me using the word nipple?". I couldn't think of a way to explain this without using that word.  Maybe I'm the weird one, but that's just not a word I have grown up hearing in conversation. His response: Mom, every body has nipples.   He wasn't weird.  He wasn't grossed out.  I explained each step of the surgery, why I chose to have it done, that I didn't want to the possibility of seeing me go through what Nanny (my mom) did.  He had questions, and we chatted for about 45 minutes about it.  I'll admit that I had been nervous for some time about talking to him about it.  I just wasn't looking forward to trying to have a mature conversation about boobs with my 12 year old boy. He didn't giggle even once. :)
     I was accepted to a private FB group for BRCA positive people. The support of others that understand has been so good for me.  I have learned that the mixed emotions, the rollercoasters are totally normal.  Other women are experiencing doubt in their decisions for a day or so.  They experience days with lots of cry fests. They experience anger, confusion, and blah days.  It's private, so we all just throw it out there, our fears, our experiences.  It's nice to be part of a group that will be honest, and support you, and wont say "well, at least you'll have perky boobs when your old".  If I have to hear one more person say that...I'm going to shank them like it's a jailbreak attempt.
     I have my appointment at 4:00 today....I don't get as much work done as I'd like to on the days that I have appointments. I just have a lot on my mind on those days.  I have a lot of quiet time those days. Today will not be any different.  I will work getting some old stuff off my desk.  I will barely speak. I will leave work an hour before my appointment.  I will arrive 30 minutes early and read magazines in the lobby.  I will feel better when talking to the doctor.  I will go to my car and cry for about 15 minutes, wipe my snot on my shirt and drive home. I will spend the evening editing photography stuff and staying to myself.  This is what happens on the days of my appointments.  It's a routine I have fallen into.  I have no idea why.  I really like the doctor that I will see today.. She is the one that I mentioned in a previous blog that was my height, so I felt an automatic connection to her.  And yes, I realize that is strange, but so am I. :)  She makes me feel like no matter what, she gonna give me some boobs that won't later plot against me. She's great.